Struggling

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by mostlyghostly, Jan 20, 2016.

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  1. mostlyghostly

    mostlyghostly New Member

    I suffer from delusions. Some professionals have thought it is paranoid personality disorder, bipolar disorder, schizoaffective and more, but what remains the same is that I have delusions all the time. I feel like the only time I am real and in reality, is when I am dealing with the consequences of my delusions. When it gets to such a critical point where I am having evidence thrust in my face, people are hurt and angry, and my life has taken a turn for the worst, such as losing a job, losing a friend and so on. I can't trust myself and when I do trust my own mind, that usually turns out to have been a bad sign.

    This existence makes me feel suicidal often. I am just venting I guess about this. I don't like to talk about it much with others because in most places it's taboo or it will make others very uncomfortable and I have no wish to do that. But it's true, I feel suicidal often.

    This past year I was put on a medication for psychosis that was supposed to help with the delusions. I think it did help but it also made me very mentally dumb, my memory was very bad and it was too hard to work. I needed my job so I stopped the medication to try to get my memory and cognitive functioning back. I had delusions again and lost the job anyway, plus even months later now my mind is still not very sharp, I can feel that it has taken a bad dive. So I guess at this point I may as well agree to take medication again since it feels like I will now be a bit slow permanently. But I don't know how I will be able to work like this.

    Yesterday a delusion came to a head and I wound up very confused, scared, angry and embarrassed in front of my whole family. This has happened so many times and now it has happened again. I am sure everyone sees me as either a total nutter or as a troublemaker. I feel very humiliated and angry and don't want to face people anymore. I don't want to face the world or life in general anymore. I feel like I cannot handle it.

    For now I have decided to vent and journal about it and try to wait it out.
     
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    It is undoubtedly a very hard thing to deal with- and is perfectly understandable why it would be incredibly upsetting and frustrating. I would be less concerned with work at the current moment and put you energy into getting treated and getting some type of disability to make up some for the lost wages so that you have some money at least. With delusions/hallucinations it should be relatively easy to get disability. The reason for disability and other programs to help cover living expenses is to care for people in need and you are, through no fault of your own so please take advantage of the programs available where ever you are. If you need help with getting information on them just ask and I am sure will be somebody familiar with wherever you are.
    So far as treatment, if cannot function without the medication the remaining choice is to choose the medication but be aggressive with the dr to to try different doses or types to get the best acceptable outcome regarding effectiveness and side effects. Sadly the drugs for hallucinations that are often used with schizo group disorders are very potent and some side effects are inevitable unlike the other mental health issues people take meds for. Fact is that is the class of medications that get all mental health drugs the bad reputation. But that does not mean you cannot find a dosage that is less impairing or that has less effects for you then another dosage or med, so don't settle and find the best possible.

    Over time many get used to the effects and the side effects actually decrease as you get more used t it. Without having to worry about work and just concentrating on getting as well as possible you may end up getting your life back to the point of returning to work. At a minimum you can make it so time with family and friends is not scary or embarrassing.

    Take care and Be Safe

    Ben
     
  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I'm glad you decided to talk, vent and open up here, just talking can help a lot, get out all the stress, free the demons. I truly hope you can get these delusions under control. Don't feel humiliated. You wouldn't apologise or be humiliated if you had a heart attack so don't be sorry for being mentally unwell. Anyway I just wanted to let you know I read your post and I care. Keep talking to us here if it helps you. Good luck.
     
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