I suffer from delusions. Some professionals have thought it is paranoid personality disorder, bipolar disorder, schizoaffective and more, but what remains the same is that I have delusions all the time. I feel like the only time I am real and in reality, is when I am dealing with the consequences of my delusions. When it gets to such a critical point where I am having evidence thrust in my face, people are hurt and angry, and my life has taken a turn for the worst, such as losing a job, losing a friend and so on. I can't trust myself and when I do trust my own mind, that usually turns out to have been a bad sign. This existence makes me feel suicidal often. I am just venting I guess about this. I don't like to talk about it much with others because in most places it's taboo or it will make others very uncomfortable and I have no wish to do that. But it's true, I feel suicidal often. This past year I was put on a medication for psychosis that was supposed to help with the delusions. I think it did help but it also made me very mentally dumb, my memory was very bad and it was too hard to work. I needed my job so I stopped the medication to try to get my memory and cognitive functioning back. I had delusions again and lost the job anyway, plus even months later now my mind is still not very sharp, I can feel that it has taken a bad dive. So I guess at this point I may as well agree to take medication again since it feels like I will now be a bit slow permanently. But I don't know how I will be able to work like this. Yesterday a delusion came to a head and I wound up very confused, scared, angry and embarrassed in front of my whole family. This has happened so many times and now it has happened again. I am sure everyone sees me as either a total nutter or as a troublemaker. I feel very humiliated and angry and don't want to face people anymore. I don't want to face the world or life in general anymore. I feel like I cannot handle it. For now I have decided to vent and journal about it and try to wait it out.