Hi everyone, my name is Jay. First time on any kind of a suicide/depression forum. I've struggled with depression/anxiety on and off for years and at times I had it under control. Lately (last 12 months) I have been losing control and as hard as I try to get it back it seems like a losing battle. For me it's not that I want to die its that I don't want to go on feeling like this and after you have spent years trying to make things better to no avail suicide seems like the only option. Lately even things like cutting don't make me feel any better they only make me feel more ashamed of myself for not being able to make myself well and having to resort to that as a coping tool. I guess I'm still alive for now even if I feel like I'm dead inside.