struggling

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by MoAnamCara, Aug 30, 2016.

  1. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Having a tough time. Not sure what to do. Called my T to see if they had opening today, they didn't. Completely understandable and acceptable. If I had gone I'm not sure what I would have said. Or how much I would have said. I'm not in a good place. I've been researching methods. Tonight I've SH pretty badly. I tried not to. I'm trying to distract. I have tried. I've done some things that normally help me get to a place where I can then do some relaxation things. Nothing is helping so far today. Or yesterday. This is ridiculous, I know it is. I feel very frustrated with myself for getting to this place again and not being able or competent enough to get out of it. I just don't know what to do now to get some relief.
     
  2. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    It's okay, MoAnamCara... Maybe you should go to the hospital? Or call someone for help? Whatever you do, don't blame yourself! For if this was a physical illness, as opposed to a mental one, would you be feeling the same way?
     
  3. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    I'm too scared to go to the hospital and I can't risk doing that for a few reasons. There isn't anyone to call, but thanks for the suggestions. I'm sorry, but thanks.
     
  4. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    Maybe you could have someone bring you there? Or get a ride? I understand the fear, I really do...but take it from someone who's been there many times before, it's not that bad! Particularly when you weigh the risks versus the reward. Difficult as this may be.
     
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  5. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Thank you. I'd have to drive myself if I were to do that. I don't think I can go there. It's admitting defeat. I know that must sound odd. I don't know but thanks for your caring responses.
     
  6. Emily K

    Emily K Member

    Hi MoAnamCara,

    I've definitely thought about maybe going to the hospital, and in the past i've felt ashamed or guilty or a variety of emotions that I can't describe. But when thinking about this, I think that that reluctance to go the hospital/get more serious help is (well at least for me) related to not wanting to be found out. I've described it as just wanting to be left alone, to go into your little hole and dying on your own without anyone having any emotional attachment---just being left alone. I'm not saying this is what you are feeling, but this is what your post reminded me in myself. I think it's very brave and important to reach out even if you don't want to. Just posting here a few hours ago shows immense strength-- and I know you might not think that. I sure as hell didn't think so when one of my friends said that--- I thought she was crazy. But after many months of my not believing and she trying so hard to let me see what she sees in me I've started to realize it is true. I could be just so easy, maybe, to just not reach out, but yet you did, I did, and that might of made things a little better. Keep posting, keep being the strong person you are, and I hope to see you around.

    Emily
     
  7. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    But what if they could help you out of this?
     
  8. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Emily... Thank you, your words make absolute sense to me. I def don't want people to find out. I couldn't. It would jeopardize a lot and I know saying that is a complete contradiction because why should or would I give a hoot if I don't want to be here anyhow.... Gosh it's just hard.

    Thank you misterbgone, as always, for responding. I think it's up to me to change, not anyone else. It's up to me to help myself. If I wanted to or want to. It's not up to anyone else. I have to deal with whatever, no one can do that for me. And it's so difficult to do this. Just so difficult and it's just being back on that rollercoaster and Ferris wheel going around but getting nowhere. At what point do we surrender? When do I say, ok... That's it, I've tried and it's not going to get better? Isn't stupidity doing the same thing and expecting different results? And it's not just doing the same thing, I've tried other things and I promise I've really tried. But I keep falling backwards. And it's so difficult to handle.

    I'm sorry I don't mean to be so negative, I am grateful for your words and responses.
     
  9. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    I understand and appreciate your feelings and your thinking in regards your condition, Mo, I really do! It's just that I believe you can achieve alternative results with a change in your usual treatment regimen... That's all.:) Do you think it would be wise to contact your therapist's office again, and put in a special request to see them urgently, as filling in on some of the general details (you can be vague and still make your point) may get you in right away or much, much sooner? Perhaps you could tell him or her all you've told us (or again a clear, concise version without too many personal details; yet still stating the bleak truth), and she what he or she thinks...
     
  10. a_andrews

    a_andrews Member

    I agree with Misterbegone! A change in your treatment regimen may be all that you need to give you the extra little boost - it may even be something very easy and simple! I get what you mean about not wanting people to know. My family and friends were oblivious to my mental health struggles until i was admitted to psych ward after a suicide attempt. It was terrible for a few days having to let people into the world that i had been hiding for ages, but in the long run, i am very happy to have been able to let a few people into my inner circle. It takes courage to request the help that you truly need, but well worth it in the end. Be strong.
     
  11. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    MisterB and A -

    I can't do that. I just can't. Thank you for trying and responding to my posts. Take care.