I am really struggling to see a point right now. With out Kate I really am not coping all that well, she was a huge chunk of my support who I could talk too freely with out fear. I was going down mood wise before she died but counted her as one of my reasons not to make my thinking a reality, now she is gone… I could rage at the system that turned its back on her but I feel so utterly exhausted there is very little in the way of fight left in me. I am not much help here either or too Kates remaining friends. My thinking at the moment is nearly continuously suicidal and defeatist. Not that I want to die at all but I just can’t see a way to get a grip this time. I am so exhausted and tired that I think I could just collapse in a heap and not move. I guess I am fortunate I am not impulsive and stop to think about a few of my remaining reasons to go on, but mentally my own mind is even attacking these reasons. For instance I am starting to feel my Father would be better off, I am a pretty lousy son. I can’t even remember his Birthday and I cause him nothing but stress and grief; especially when I go into one of these moods. The worst of it is he feels helpless to do anything. If I was gone he could grieve and move on. Also the bitter cynic in me thinks that if he grieves too long he can always just take valium. There are a few scattered friends around but for the most part I have withdrawn out of their lives purposely. Just leaves one person from here who I hope finds happiness with or with out me. The most potent of all things keeping me here though is fear. I messed it up once before and had a very painful experience, and then there is the simple mystery of what may or may not happen after life is snuffed out? Many times have I just sat staring at my elixir of death with a sick to my stomach feeling as some instinctual part of me protests at what my conscious mind is trying to will its self to do. I have no answers any more but I think fear may just give way to desperation at some point, I am just so tired.