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I am really struggling to see a point right now. With out Kate I really am not coping all that well, she was a huge chunk of my support who I could talk too freely with out fear. I was going down mood wise before she died but counted her as one of my reasons not to make my thinking a reality, now she is gone…

I could rage at the system that turned its back on her but I feel so utterly exhausted there is very little in the way of fight left in me. I am not much help here either or too Kates remaining friends. My thinking at the moment is nearly continuously suicidal and defeatist. Not that I want to die at all but I just can’t see a way to get a grip this time. I am so exhausted and tired that I think I could just collapse in a heap and not move.

I guess I am fortunate I am not impulsive and stop to think about a few of my remaining reasons to go on, but mentally my own mind is even attacking these reasons. For instance I am starting to feel my Father would be better off, I am a pretty lousy son. I can’t even remember his Birthday and I cause him nothing but stress and grief; especially when I go into one of these moods. The worst of it is he feels helpless to do anything. If I was gone he could grieve and move on. Also the bitter cynic in me thinks that if he grieves too long he can always just take valium.

There are a few scattered friends around but for the most part I have withdrawn out of their lives purposely. Just leaves one person from here who I hope finds happiness with or with out me.

The most potent of all things keeping me here though is fear. I messed it up once before and had a very painful experience, and then there is the simple mystery of what may or may not happen after life is snuffed out? Many times have I just sat staring at my elixir of death with a sick to my stomach feeling as some instinctual part of me protests at what my conscious mind is trying to will its self to do.

I have no answers any more but I think fear may just give way to desperation at some point, I am just so tired.


I think I understand where you are at. I am fighting with my mind. I do not want to exit but am afraid I will in a split second decision. I do not have any answers for you other than to keep talking. It is when I stopped talking that I made my attempts. Good luck.


Hi Adam. I miss Kate too. Remember, as long as I'm still alive and at msn, I'll be there to talk with you, if you'd like to talk with me. Take care.


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You are a fucking amazing son and should be proud of yourself.

You love your father and he loves you, even that is damned rare these days. You tried so hard, fought so much, struggled and suffer for so long, just for him, because you love him and don't want to let him down.

He would never be better off without you. Out of his hair, our of his worry maybe, but never out of his life.

I wish my dad was half the man your's is.
Adam, many of us miss Kate. She was there to talk with and listen. She also shared with us when she felt down. I know she would urge you to continue on even though she found the struggle to be just to much for her.
As Matthew mentioned, your father is lucky to have you for a son. He would not be better off without you in his life. You still have friends here that you can talk with. No one can ever replace Kate in your heat, but new bonds and friendships can be formed. Please take care Adam. :hug:
I am glad you found you do have options and that our words were able to help if even a small amount. I would encourage you to keep your mind open and keep talking to those here that understand how you feel. We do want to help you through this difficult time. Take care Adam. :hug:
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