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Struggling

lightning05

Well-Known Member
#1
I am grateful for all the positives in my life and that the rest of my family and I are still healthy throughout all of this. We lost 2 people in April and that still hurts so much because we haven't had the chance to properly say goodbye and I know that their children have been struggling to cope after the sudden loss of both their parents. My heart breaks for them and I am still in disbelief that I will never see them again.

I'm struggling to get through every day. I don't want to say on what, but I notice I can't go to work sober anymore. I'm even ashamed to type that because I never used to be that person, but my current assignment is driving me insane. I'm working on a failing project with a deadline that's rapidly approaching. I have tried to make suggestions about how to improve the process but since I'm a temp my input wasn't valued even though I've done big projects of this nature before successfully. Now they're pressuring me from all sides to try and get this to work, but it just won't. The project requires people to come in large groups to get stuff done - we legally cannot even do that now. People are scared and folks who have been working from home don't want to come in and risk it. I can't blame them. I honestly don't want to be coming into contact with all these people unnecessarily either. But what can I do? I can't force people to come in for something that's not mandatory and that I myself believe to be a dangerous waste of time.

I'm pretty much completely checked out at this point. Like I honestly could care less and have settled for just doing the bare minimum. These temp jobs have sucked the life out of me.

Every day I have this overwhelming fear that I will never get back on track and that the rest of my life will be me saying "only ___ amount of time left at this job!" I want to get back to my chosen career so badly that even the thought of it brings tears to my eyes but the economy is not exactly in the best shape and companies are hanging on by a thread. No one is hiring in that industry or most right now.

I'm restless because we can't go anywhere or do anything and the vacations I was looking forward to this year have all been canceled. I know that everyone is in this situation so I feel silly even writing that. I want to drink almost every single day. I'm battling myself because I'm making myself feel guilty for my negative thoughts and feelings.

I stood outside my job this morning to get some fresh air before sitting at my desk. "Run!" kept popping into my mind and I thought how easy would it be for me to just take off running, jump in my car, hop on the nearest freeway and just keep driving until I couldn't go any more.
 

EmB

Absolute Peach!
#2
I hope it gets easier for you, that's a huge load for anyone to bear. I get wanting to just run all the time. But I like to think on the other side there'll be something worth pushing for.

Sending huge hugs

Em
 

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