Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by MaNg0s, Jun 9, 2010.

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  1. MaNg0s

    MaNg0s Well-Known Member

    I kinda suck at explaining my problems but ill give it a shot. I drink I smoke if i don't do either of the too i wont be able to sleep. I broke up with my gf was with her for 2 years I was in love with her and yes I know what love is im not a little kid. I still love her but the way things have ended between us there's no way we could get back together. I am tempted to cut most nights I used to a lot but I haven't in about a year and a have promised my family and ex I wouldn't but no I just need that release.

    You get a certain relief when you cut don't know if you guys know what im talking about its like your venting when you see the blood come out like all the shit that you held inside that's making you feel uneasy and sad is just pouring out. But now I think about doing something even when I am at work. I don't have any friends and I have been feeling this way since I was a kid and I don't know if I can carry on. If I do try and sleep sober I usually lay in bed remember old times with my ex torture myself on things I could have done differently or think about cutting or killing myself. I am at a point in my life where people my age are finishing university have a decent job.

    I don't know why im posting this thread I guess im just looking for some words of guidance I usually just write this shit in my journal but it feels like it gets me no where. I am bipolar but I don't take medication any more it used to just make me feel numb I don't see a shrink because I just don't see a point but I have seen a few in my past. I am pretty drunk now thanks to spell check i hope this is all making sense but this is usually the time where I have the balls to do something. Ive tried before twice when i was younger but now I know i wouldn't let myself be here for another day if I tried. I've been told I am the type of guy who never says what's wrong bottles everything in but everytime I have let someone know the real me they always end up leaving me.

    I don't think im a bad guy just had a shitty past something that has just left me fucked up and just feeling like I can't trust anyone that will always be my biggest downfall. I just don't know where to go from here.
  2. sarah2111

    sarah2111 Member

    i just wanted to say hi. and i don't know what i can say to help, but i just wanted you to know that there is someone here.

    i totally get what you mean when you talk about cutting. i haven't cut for a year but "fell off the wagon" yesterday.

    just know that someone here read your post and felt your pain.

  3. MaNg0s

    MaNg0s Well-Known Member

    Thanks. Yeah i messed up last night cut after a long time.
  4. Teryan

    Teryan Active Member

    i dont cut myself but i understand on how you feel.
    i understand on how when you lay in bed and start thinking about the old times.. and about killing yourself and all that.
    i think about "when something goes bad, i can just kill myself" everynight before i sleep.. despite it being a horrible and disturbing thing to think every night.. it helps me sleep.. it comforts me that that option is always available.
    but the thought of my loved ones is what keeps me going and i pretty much vent out by painting..

    i understand how you feel when you open up to your friends and they leave you just like that.
    people can be arse's sometimes but i ASSUME your ex made you promise that you would not cut yourself is because she cares about you.

    my advice, stop cutting.. it aint good for you, and don't promise me that, or your family or your ex.. make that promise for yourself.
    think about killing yourself or self harm all you want.. (but don't think about that forever!) but please don't cut yourself. there are more ways for you to vent out.. might not be as satisfying but anything is better than cutting
    its not easy
    but its worth it.

    sorry if what i said is not making sense.. i'm a bit sleepy plus and a bit smashed right now
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