I kinda suck at explaining my problems but ill give it a shot. I drink I smoke if i don't do either of the too i wont be able to sleep. I broke up with my gf was with her for 2 years I was in love with her and yes I know what love is im not a little kid. I still love her but the way things have ended between us there's no way we could get back together. I am tempted to cut most nights I used to a lot but I haven't in about a year and a have promised my family and ex I wouldn't but no I just need that release. You get a certain relief when you cut don't know if you guys know what im talking about its like your venting when you see the blood come out like all the shit that you held inside that's making you feel uneasy and sad is just pouring out. But now I think about doing something even when I am at work. I don't have any friends and I have been feeling this way since I was a kid and I don't know if I can carry on. If I do try and sleep sober I usually lay in bed remember old times with my ex torture myself on things I could have done differently or think about cutting or killing myself. I am at a point in my life where people my age are finishing university have a decent job. I don't know why im posting this thread I guess im just looking for some words of guidance I usually just write this shit in my journal but it feels like it gets me no where. I am bipolar but I don't take medication any more it used to just make me feel numb I don't see a shrink because I just don't see a point but I have seen a few in my past. I am pretty drunk now thanks to spell check i hope this is all making sense but this is usually the time where I have the balls to do something. Ive tried before twice when i was younger but now I know i wouldn't let myself be here for another day if I tried. I've been told I am the type of guy who never says what's wrong bottles everything in but everytime I have let someone know the real me they always end up leaving me. I don't think im a bad guy just had a shitty past something that has just left me fucked up and just feeling like I can't trust anyone that will always be my biggest downfall. I just don't know where to go from here.