Struggling...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by NutJob, Jan 12, 2011.

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  1. NutJob

    NutJob Member

    Hi everyone,

    I've not really posted much before (more of a lurker!) so am pretty nervous about doing so - apologies in advance if my post is a bit disjointed and rambling!

    Rather than re-hash what has gone on with me, I'll opt for the abridged version, for mine and everyone else's sanity. I've been battling with depression for nearly 3 years now, which has seen me make 3 (rubbish) attempts at taking my life, hospitalised a few times and try countless anti-depressent medications (neither of which have helped that much.) In addition to the depression, I have also been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder too, just for extra fun! To date, I have seen 3 different counsellors, 2 of whom ended our relationship because I was too much to handle, and the other one being courtesy of the NHS (so our sessions together were time-limited.)

    I am fighting against suicidal thoughts constantly, but find them particularly challenging lately - I've had a plan/timeframe in mind for a while now, and have already written my will/suicide notes. I'm nothing if not organised :smile: What makes things difficult for me is that I have no specific reason to attribute the depression etc. to - I haven't had a terrible life, with parents who have done the best they can for me, and who I am fortunate enough still care deeply (which amazes me, after all I've put them through.) In fact, there are quite a few people in my life who love me (for some reason!) and are desperate to see me 'better,' for want of a more appropriate word. I, however, feel absolutely no different to when my whole emotional meltdown (as I like to call it) began, and just feel more and more of a disappointment and burden with each passing day.

    Anyway, I guess I needed to have a little rant to someone, and thought cyber-space would be appropriate. Thanks for taking the time to read my post - the compassion, support and understanding shown on SF continues to prove both amazing and humbling. Sending you love and best wishes, you are all :stars: xx
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi sorry to hear the meds did not work but there are new one now that are very effective takes quite a few times until you do get the right one but when you do you are sure glad you kept trying. For all your loved ones sake please if you feel suicidal choose to go to hospital I am struggling right now myself so bad but i know down deep i cannot give in to this pain i cannot leave my family in such pain it just can be so please please go to hospital next time and stay there until they get you well okay hugs
     
  3. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    if you really have bpd, i think that this always results from some trauma in your life.

    so maybe there is something that happened that you can't remember?

    it would be great if you could get back into therapy


    hope that you are able to work things out soon!
     
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