Hi, I am really struggling recently with a lot of suicidal thoughts. Last night I had an awful dream that I *was* dead, but I was like a ghost and could still see the world going on, but couldn't connect with it or impact anything. I woke up terrified and sad. A - this goes to show I don't *really* want to die and B - that's probably how I feel which leads me to want to die in the first place - unable to connect with the world, have any impact on anything. I'm at a point where in a weird oxymoronic way I'm doing better than I ever have - I've made some really hard, brave choices this past year in order to be healthier, I've pretty much finished writing my first novel - a goal that has been elusive til now and when I am feeling crappy i'm getting better at being far less harsh on myself about it and just trying to accept it and let it pass and be sympathetic to myself. And yet, I also feel possibly the worse i've ever felt....well, not the worse, just one of them. I think about suicide as an option near constantly and I'm still struggling on so many levels and feeling incredibly alone and let down by family/friends/society.... To anyone else struggling, you have my thoughts and positive vibes. I'm sure this is something we can get through. Please don't hesitate to message me for a chat. Despite my down times and dark thoughts, i'm a pretty positive person, if you can get your head round that contradiction!!