Struggling...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by FrainBart, Apr 2, 2012.

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  1. FrainBart

    FrainBart Staff Alumni

    Tonight I really am struggling, truthfully I dont know why, but I am feeling really bad. I want to hurt, until I find a reason for my really low mood. I had such a good start, but I guess I should have been prepared for itnot to last. I feel so drained, I cant stop crying, I feel so alone, and I feel dread at the bottom of my stomach.

    Ikeep hearing things, I dont usually hear things, but I am now. I just hear laughter, their laughter. and its making me feel worthless. I really dont see why I keep holding on if I keep getting this low for no reason. I'm pathetic and stupid for being like this. I shouldnt feel so bad for no reason. I shouldn't make others feel down because of it. I just upset everyone. I think my boyfriend is upset with me. My daughter is favouring him over me. I feel so forgotten. I really wonder if they noticed if i left tonight. if they would ever think about me. or would I just be completely forgotten. They dont need me around, making everything ten times worse, making them feel awful. My daughter needs someone who can care for her and make her happy, I cant do that. I wish I could, But inside I know I cant. I feel guilt every time I look at her. for bringing her into a life that she doesnt deserve, she deserves so much better and so much more than what I can provide for her.

    Why is it so wrong for me to want to end it all? Why do people say I'm a disgusting excuse of a human for feeling suicidal. I'm meant to be going out with a group of friends in july, but after what I have seen some of them say about me, I dont think I want to even be near any of them. Just because they live perfect lives, have perfect happy families, have never known the trials of having to scrimp and eat once every few days. I struggled for months when every benefit I received got cut off. and they said it was disgusting of me that my daughter was only eating two meals a day. I wish they would try living on £20 a week for 3 people. lets see how they would survive.

    I guess now Iam in the flow of things, I can see what is making me feel down. sad thing is this has barely scratched the surface. I could find every little thing that has brought me down today, if I keep searching. If I kept digging. But I dont have the energy. I feel exhausted but I cant sleep. I feel weak and sore and sick.
    My boyfriend saw the scars on my legs today, I had to lie and say they were insect bites, I know he believes that because I had been bitten whilst at hismothers.

    I am sorry for making a wall of a post, I dont expect replies I just wanted to let it out before I ddi anything stupid tonight. I know thatI would most likely regret it in the morning.
    Anyway if you have read this, thank you for taking the time to read it. I guess knowing that possibly one person will read it is a comfort, already feels like I have halved the pain I am feeling right now.
     
  2. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    Is that the depression talking, or you? Although you may feel they are one and the same, it is your sickness that is overpowering your rational thought. It does that to and gets the very best of us! It can be hard to detect, and impossible to stop. I know that you know that your daughter and boyfriend would not be better off without you. They'd be devastated. Irreparably. It's also difficult to escape that gravitational pull of guilt once we've encountered it's force. I think you might be overdoing it just a bit on the blame front, and worthlessness critique. The illness will make us believe what is not true. That's why you need people in your life who you can trust to tell you the truth. I don't know you, but I can see right through your false self beliefs, because I recognize so many of them, as my very own. Take care and remember that you are of the utmost importance to some select special members of your family.
     
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I read your post hun I am sorry your friends have been cruel You keep talking to us okay You can make new friends here Please don't harm you okay noone is worth harming yourself over h ugs
     
  4. FrainBart

    FrainBart Staff Alumni

    I tried. I really did try. But i can't deal with it anymore. Everything hanging by a thread. I can't cope with everything being so fragile... Our home, money, everything. It's too much now. I've set a date.
     
  5. Rainfall

    Rainfall Well-Known Member

    personunknown, please don't do this. You've helped me so much, just don't go...
     
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