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Stuck between a rock and a hard place. Afraid of future.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by TheBLA, Oct 19, 2008.

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  1. TheBLA

    TheBLA The biggest loser alive.

    I've made many threads here, and have always lamented that I can never open up to you guys about my problems exactly, I always keep hinting. I suppose I feel that my situation is so bad, that I can never get better and very few can relate to me and you would all laugh at me at how pathetic I am.

    I'm very inferior and abnormal compared to everyone else. Its not just my depression telling me this, its actually sadly true. I've been sheltered in my home, wasting my time on the computer doing meaningless things, wasting away my pathetic life. While everyone else is MILES ahead of my in experiences, socially, just being normal people, etc. Because they went out and explored and experienced.

    Strangely, I've been pretty much a loser and abnormal since I was a child, but only became really depressed and suicidal right before I started college, even before I failed my first year, strangely enough.

    I may be 21, but still have the maturity of a child, still haven't developed to a normal 21 year old level. I can never be normal, never have a family, a wife, responsibilities, etc. If my life so far has been absolutely empty and dull and boring, how can my future be any better?

    My stupid dad was talking today about having me an arranged marriage in a few years. We're Indian and this is common for us Indians to do. HA! This is the only way I'd ever get a partner and even then, we'd never be compatible, she'd never be interested in the things I like, totally different cultures, she'll probably only marry me to be able to come to the U.S to escape her poverty. I keep telling my dad I think about suicide, that I have to commit suicide eventually. Because since I've never actually attempted, now he's just written it off as me wanting attention from him. Why am I such a coward and haven't attempted, I know I would fail anyways.

    I am EXTREMELY afraid of the future and really do feel I will commit suicide, perhaps after I get a job and move out of my parents home, being the very weak and dependent person I am, I'll never survive!

    And I'm afraid of killing myself to upset my family and afraid of what comes after this life. We'll all have to face that someday but I can still live here and have certainly, even though its a crappy life for me. I'm not sure about getting professional help, it'd bring shame to my family if my parent's friends and relatives found out. I don't even want my brother to know but I'm sure he does now. I don't know if it could help me anyways. I had visited a psychologist two years ago but could never open up to him just like I can't here and felt bad about my dad wasting money away each fruitless visit so I just stopped.

    I really do feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. Usually, I don't feel this way, but after my dad talking about my future, I was reminded of how much of a freak I am now and that my life can only get worse as time moves on. :sad:

    I wish I absolutely knew if even if I am such a damn loser and a freak, that there is still hope in my future. That I can start to improve myself now and maybe become a normal person, even though everyone else has been normal since they were born so I'll always be behind everyone else! :sad: :mad:

    I absolutely can't kill myself can I? I am very afraid of my future, especially of graduating from college, getting a job and moving out into the harsh world which I can't possibly cope with. Having been cooped up in the nest for so long, there's no way I can fly out and be independent like everyone else, all the other birds. I am in such a bad situation which I can't see out of. Just stuck in this rut. :(
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 19, 2008
  2. Reki

    Reki Well-Known Member

    You're not behind at all, Rahul, you have just done things differently. A lot of people live sheltered lives and improve their lives later on as they become more independent. I failed a math course in my first semester at college and it set me back a year, I was very depressed after that because I felt I had been left behind by all my friends. Some of them went off to colleges ahead of me and I felt like I had just failed completely. To cut a long story short, I ran into a lot of my old friends and even met some new people. It's true that people did leave and I never saw them again but my life also changed.

    What's important isn't how long it takes to get somewhere but that where you're going is where you want to be. Don't rush yourself because you think that's what you're 'supposed' to do, take your time and make sure that you're heading in the right direction. Some of the people I used to know are very unhappy with their lives right now, despite having moved forward faster than everyone else. Being social isn't as hard as it seems and it's never too late to try it. Don't think that just because you're 21 you're out of the picture. Very, very far from it. You seem like just as decent a person as the next guy and you have just as much shot at a good life as anyone else, Rahul. What matters is that you get there and as long as you haven't given up and are giving it your all to move forward every second brings you closer to your destination.
  3. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Part of the problem I see Rahul is how you view yourself. You have a very low self image and can't imagine how anyone else can see you differently. You need to work on accepting yourself for who you are and most importanlty, liking yourself. Being different from other people is not always a bad thing. The world would be extremely boring if everyone were the same. Be proud of who you are. That person is terrific. :hug:
  4. TheBLA

    TheBLA The biggest loser alive.

    Thank you Gentlelady for your kind reply, though you all don't know completely of my situation of course.

    It is a bad thing when you are different from other people in having missed out on experiences they have, you lack the social and other skills they have, etc. because you've been very sheltered and isolated. :sad:

    Yes, it does feel sometimes like the people I am around are like clones of each other, and the world would be boring if everyone was the same. These people are the kids of my parent's friends, all Indians and between 15-25, pretty much in my age group. Though I am TOO different from them and everyone else, that's the problem. I feel either I must kill myself soon because I am so far behind and can never be normal or maybe I can catch up and somewhat live normally like them eventually, even if I am many years behind. I know everyone here will say to do the latter, I just wish I was 100% sure of this decision, that its still worth it to live even when you are so far behind.......

    If I gave you guys more details, I'm sure you could help me more as well right? Because I feel like I'm being very vague with you all.
  5. darkrider

    darkrider Well-Known Member

    Everyone is ahead of me. Im not in education, ive never worked, not got any proper friends, no girlfriend, not many social experiences, feel drawn out and depressed every fucking day. I dont feel i can get in the mix socially now anyway because my life is embarrassing, people will see who i am and i have no friends. At 16 I had the world at my feet, good friends, top grades, things were laid out. Fast forward 4 years my life has no structure. I spend every day in front of the computer. The only money i can make is from doing my neighbours goddamn garden. im no man. I dont even want to be here any more. I want to rip my heart out with a knife or hold my head down in the sink but the only thing that keeps me going is fantasizing of a good future when everything is ok. but of course it never comes. why the fuck are we here. it doesnt mean anything does it? it doesnt mean a god damn thing. i am already in hell.
  6. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Rahul,
    Join the Marine Corps they will help you grow to maturity. The day of graduation from boot camp will be the proudest day of your life. I am not kidding they will help your self esteem.
    You also will travel to different countries. I was proud of my time in the Corps. You also can get guarentees like schooling, PFC out of boot camp, Guarentee of choice of MOS(job). Don't tell them anything about your emotional problems. What they don't know won't hurt them.
    You will make some good friends in there. They teach you all to work togethor. You won't have to worry about being an individual. Think it over, it is a good alternative to keep feeling bad about yourself!!~Joseph~
  7. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Hi Rahul. I'm also from an indian background. You know, the arranged marriage thing isn't such a bad thing. It's kind of like having a backup system in place just in case if you can't find a wife on your own. My parents have offered to help me find a suitable wife for marriage. I told them that I will try my best to find one on my own, but I can't then I'll agree to an arranged marriage. You'll also be doing something very noble in my opinion, by helping a poor indian girl come to the US to live a better life. Sure, there might be a few challenges along the way due to the cultural differences, but you'll just have to work on and make her 'americanized.' :smile:
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