I've made many threads here, and have always lamented that I can never open up to you guys about my problems exactly, I always keep hinting. I suppose I feel that my situation is so bad, that I can never get better and very few can relate to me and you would all laugh at me at how pathetic I am. I'm very inferior and abnormal compared to everyone else. Its not just my depression telling me this, its actually sadly true. I've been sheltered in my home, wasting my time on the computer doing meaningless things, wasting away my pathetic life. While everyone else is MILES ahead of my in experiences, socially, just being normal people, etc. Because they went out and explored and experienced. Strangely, I've been pretty much a loser and abnormal since I was a child, but only became really depressed and suicidal right before I started college, even before I failed my first year, strangely enough. I may be 21, but still have the maturity of a child, still haven't developed to a normal 21 year old level. I can never be normal, never have a family, a wife, responsibilities, etc. If my life so far has been absolutely empty and dull and boring, how can my future be any better? My stupid dad was talking today about having me an arranged marriage in a few years. We're Indian and this is common for us Indians to do. HA! This is the only way I'd ever get a partner and even then, we'd never be compatible, she'd never be interested in the things I like, totally different cultures, she'll probably only marry me to be able to come to the U.S to escape her poverty. I keep telling my dad I think about suicide, that I have to commit suicide eventually. Because since I've never actually attempted, now he's just written it off as me wanting attention from him. Why am I such a coward and haven't attempted, I know I would fail anyways. I am EXTREMELY afraid of the future and really do feel I will commit suicide, perhaps after I get a job and move out of my parents home, being the very weak and dependent person I am, I'll never survive! And I'm afraid of killing myself to upset my family and afraid of what comes after this life. We'll all have to face that someday but I can still live here and have certainly, even though its a crappy life for me. I'm not sure about getting professional help, it'd bring shame to my family if my parent's friends and relatives found out. I don't even want my brother to know but I'm sure he does now. I don't know if it could help me anyways. I had visited a psychologist two years ago but could never open up to him just like I can't here and felt bad about my dad wasting money away each fruitless visit so I just stopped. I really do feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. Usually, I don't feel this way, but after my dad talking about my future, I was reminded of how much of a freak I am now and that my life can only get worse as time moves on. :sad: I wish I absolutely knew if even if I am such a damn loser and a freak, that there is still hope in my future. That I can start to improve myself now and maybe become a normal person, even though everyone else has been normal since they were born so I'll always be behind everyone else! :sad: I absolutely can't kill myself can I? I am very afraid of my future, especially of graduating from college, getting a job and moving out into the harsh world which I can't possibly cope with. Having been cooped up in the nest for so long, there's no way I can fly out and be independent like everyone else, all the other birds. I am in such a bad situation which I can't see out of. Just stuck in this rut.