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Stuck between being mad and numb...

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by SaraRose, Dec 11, 2012.

  1. SaraRose

    SaraRose Well-Known Member

    So my ex put a FB post saying pretty much how she couldn't believe I never fought for her ect ect. So I texted her to tell her pretty much if she wanted to talk then fine let's talk. I'm tired of the passive-agressive stance she's having and I can now at least talk to her and not feel like dying. Well we've been talking the last couple days I explained that it HURT like hell that she just moved on almost after a week. Told her how it hurt me to know that someone could just- a week later- just be prefectly fine with dating others.

    What she told me has me reeling and wondering if I really can talk to her anymore. She told me today that she wasn't really ready to move on but instead it was an attempt to show me that I still needed her. What the hell, great mind f*ck. This is after SHE broke it off. I never wanted her too end it but she just easily said it was over. I tried SEVERAL times to explain how it hurt me to know that she was fine enough to just make a new account. But she doesn't seem to want to acknowledge it and then puts a post up saying that she's "I'm irritated and annoyed and a bunch of other feelings." Excuse me? I...I don't understand...

    She left off this conversation saying I said hurtful stuff. All I remember was she had said that she was certain I loved someone else more then her (because our group road trip failed when she couldn't pay a stupid $45 that I asked for and my friend could, that was the only reason one went and not the other I would have paid but I was putting over $800 into this trip I had NO MORE money to give). I tried to explain it 2 months ago. Used examples when words weren't going through. Tomorrow I'm hoping I can get her to explain this hurtful stuff I said so if it's a misunderstanding I can clear the air.

    But stil...I...I don't know what to do about the whole screwed up way she's been trying to "fix this" I finally told her words are the best way to do it, not random actions that have no real meaning. I can't get her to understand.

    And when I do she turns it around to make me out to be a bitch. I'm tired of this. But I just don't know what to do...I just can't find myself feeling anything. I mean I was so hurt 2 months ago. And it hurts to know that the whole dating site was nothing more then an attempt to get me back. I just want to tell her how F*CKING close I was to offing myself. I had the F*CKING pills ready on more then one occasion. I had ideas in my mind because I couldn't stand the pain! I had a plan and the only thing that kept me from it was here and a friend that refused to let me push her away (not my ex either...).

    Part of me just wants to off handedly tell her how close I was to killing myself because of that whole fiasco. I know I shouldn't but I also know my anger and frustration will get the best of me. But if I stop talking now about the relationship she'll do passive agressive again. If I do continue I will end up saying that. I already have told her off handedly how I'm living on alcohol at nights, have no fight left, and really just barely am surviving. But I don't want to make her feel bad by telling her how she almost killed me...But...I find myself typing it every text before I erase it and don't send it...

    I can't keep doing this and I have no idea what to do. I'm stuck...do I let her smear me on FB or do I continue talking knowing that my frusterations and depression and anger will get the best of me soon and make me tell her something I rather never share with the people I care about...And now because of this I can't sleep anymore.

    ....thanks for letting me rant on here...I needed a safe place from people I know in real life...Just needed to rant, though it doesn't change the hurt and anger and depression I feel from all of this...
  2. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    It's actually pretty clear to me - from the outside: she means a whole lot more to you, than you do to her... And even if that is true, that she was only 'testing' you, with this little stunt, is that really the kind of person you want to be involved with? Someone who enjoys manipulation & mind games? Speaks fairly accurately as to their character in my mind... If I were you, I would choose to put an end to this hurt. It sounds like a destructive relationship to me--one that is rooted in negativity (& there's enough of that out there in the world already). I know it's hard, but my advice would be to move on, and forget this person. Because this doesn't seem like the kind of individual you should be having to handle at such a critical time in your life. You don't need to explain anything. You don't owe her that. She sounds like she's enjoying playing the game. But it's up to you to decide if you want to call it quits. Otherwise, who knows how much more of this suffering you've got to endure, and how much longer she's going to do this to you? Ah! But what do I know...
  3. SaraRose

    SaraRose Well-Known Member

    Thank you MisterBGone, it helps sometimes when people can see from the outside a situation. Someone who is not directly involved. I don't see myself getting back together because I'm not the type of person that after one fight I end a relationship. That's the part that surprised me- after 2 years it was the first fight we had and it was over. I was shocked over that because couples fight, I mean friends fight, it's life...

    I was trying to explain that it was so hurtful and why I didn't just fall over myself trying to show her and ect at the beginning, but it hasn't worked becuase she has never shown any remorse for hurting me. Has never shown and emotion on her side. I mean literally I tell her something like it hurt for it to happen like I tried to get her to imagine the roles changed and she went through what I went through the hurt and sadness. She then jumps to a different topic on the whole break up. It's like a very disjointed conversation.

    So pretty much I think this is me trying to explain to her the hurt I've been feeling. But she doesn't want to understand it seems. And really I'm almost ready to tell her- sorry hopefully we can stay friends but, I can't do this now. Even if it means I'm alone forever I can't keep this up.
  4. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    If I were in your shoes, and somebody did this to me, I would conclude the following: that they were selfish & that they did not care.