Ever since I was a child my parents made sure that I was safe but still I am not happy at the moment. I was never popular at school and felt like an outsider. That makes me so sad. Also I had to see my mother go when I was 18 but if I had had a good social life it wouldn't have made me think about suicide. I was never really interested about anything and had no goals. Not even today. I could actually be living a decent life right now but I have always had that way of thinking that "I haven't done it in the past, why should I do it now". That thought has ruined my life. I never was the outgoing type but that thought made it worse and it doesn't go away. All my life I have waited for nothing. Now as a 19 year-old male I'm thinking about suicide almost every day. I have wasted so much. I fear that I am not here when I turn 20. I was at a hospital for a couple of months because of my thoughts that kept haunting me. They say I suffered from psychotic depression but I don't believe them because I could go to school and all. After that everything has gone worse. I didn't keep in touch with my friends, people I knew and occasionally spent time with. This I regret. The so called friendships weren't that close but still they kept me from losing my sanity. I know I should do something but I don't know how. I can't go find friends because no one wants to be around a person like me. I would have to resort to meeting loners like myself and what good would it do for me? I'm stuck. What can I do?