Stuck in a Crack

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Zola, Sep 8, 2009.

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  1. Zola

    Zola Antiquities Friend

    Back in the summer of 2008 I was reasonably as good as could be expected from someone suffering from GAD and SP on a long term basis. I'm an independent professional earning my living from clients that lawyers send me. Clients who are directed by a court to go to mediation. I've been doing this for 22 years, full time. Made a half-assed income from it. Enough to satisfy my wife and myself (no kids). Then the recession showed up.

    In the second half of 2008 things really started to degenerate. Fewer and fewer bookings. No answer to tries at getting another job.

    Then we ate up our savings. Just to stay alive. That got us into the beginining of 2009. The savings ran out. So we tried to borrow and my brothers forked over $2500 apiece and told me that was it; don't come back for more.

    By the Spring of 2009, nothing was happening. No income stream at all. We used our credit cards to live on. Bad and dangerous thing. But what alternatives did we have? Answer: we didn't, except suicide. Unfortunately or fortunately, I don't believe in suicide/homicide.

    In July, the credit cards maxxed out. No more credit. No more income. No more loans. I bought a 20 lb. sack of rice and a 25 lb. sack of beans with what money we had left over.

    In July I had 2 cases at $300.00 apiece. In August three. That's not exactly full time employment. It got me less than $1k.

    Then the creditors started calling me. Very nice they were. They had a REAL difficulty in my not having a settled income. They couldn't understand someone who did not get a check every two weeks. These creditor calls are what comes before the collections people get on you.

    And here I'd been thinking about suicide all these months. It got worse. I really didn't want to go bankrupt now. I'd been bankrupt before, and I didn't like the experience. It felt like it was socially irresponsible.

    So now I have a lot of time. Time for cases that don't come in. Time to talk to creditors, trying to explain why I can't agree to a set schedule for repayment. Time to drink brandy. In a sense it sounds Hogarthian; a series of plates showing the rise and fall of a self-indulgent solicitor. Because that's what I was. I left the law because I didn't like it. I much preferred mediation, where I could really help people. But we're not immune from the business cycle.

    Lots of time to figure out suicide strategies. If it weren't for my wife, I wouldn't be here now. I've been thinking almost completely sucidal thoughts for a year now. My psychiatrist (whom I don't have the wherewithall to pay) actually got angry at me when I raised the issue of suicide. It may be some kind of professional reaction that they're taught in psychiatrist's school, but it doesn't mix with me. So I just cut him out of the track and kept on thinking about suicide. Most of the stuff I thought about is prohibited here, so I'll omit it. But you know what I mean, I'm sure.

    I have no real burning desire to kill myself outside of the stringencies of my economic situation. There are plenty of things to experience and enjoy even at my advanced age and in my tiny town. But I just don't see how to do it with business so bad and debts mounting, mounting. I haven't even filed my taxes for 2008. If they require a payment from me (which they probably will) that will result in a tax lien on my house. So if I figure out some way to keep the house, it will belong to the IRS.

    So I'm sitting at my desk (a hollow-core door sitting on two 2-drawer filing cabinets), next to my bed, typing this out (the computer's on the floor), drinking brandy and listening to Bach on the computer through a good pair of earphones. Wife is in the living room watching either soap operas or game shows. (!!!????) (There's worse things, believe it or not.) If they foreclose on the house we couldn't afford another one. We'd have to go live with my brother in Jacksonville, borrowing still more money to move up there (350 miles). Conveniently, he's just been divorced and his wife took the kids. So there's space.

    Most of the day I don't think of killing myself, particularly when I'm focussed on other people's problems (that's my job). But there are just two or three "windows" during the day, each about ten to fifteen minutes long, when if I had a gun I'd use it. So I stay away from gunshops. There's one about half an hour north, and one forty-five minutes south. That's way longer than fifteen minutes. Again, I know we're not supposed to talk about this stuff on this site, and it's a good rule, but where then? I just checked out the chat room called Troubling Stuff (?) and it was full of people talking the same kind of nonsense they do in the chat vestibule or whatever they call it.

    Poured myself another brandy. Tried to pee but couldn't, a martyr to my prostate. You young'uns haven't got there yet. You will, you will. One of my "windows" is opening up. I don't move. Could garner a DUI if I drove to a gunshop. Then there's pawnshops too. I have to tackle those, because double-barreled shotguns are considered antique in gunshops. Whoops. Off the rails again, hey? I'll be good, I'll be good.

    Booze is still relatively inexpensive here, but cigarettes! They're up to more than $50.00 a carton! Lord, I remember when they were two packs for $0.27! Of course, I wasn't smoking at the time. You can, however, buy cut-rate cigarettes from the indians (Seminoles down here.) That might seem strange to those in Europe. But Indians here live on their own land, not part of the US. They can do all kinds of things on their land that is otherwise prohibited. This is mainly gambling and cigarettes. There's an Indian place a few miles south of here that sells discount wheezers. I haven't stopped by yet, but it's on my list, particularly with this recent increase (previously $30 bucks a carton).

    It's true. Brandy is an antidote for suicide. Drink enough and your thoughts turn to other things. Which is very good. I'd very much like to be able to honestly entertain positive views on the future, but I think the best I can do is just to blot out the bad stuff. Death is okay. Dying is not. Think of Hemingway, out of the hospital in which he'd hornswoggled the med staff into thinking he was okay. Then immediately after been driven home, jumping out of the car, running up the stairs, grabbing the shotgun and taking off his socks so he could work the trigger with his foot. Blowey! I like shotguns.


    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 8, 2009
  2. Polar

    Polar Account Closed

    Hi Zola,

    That sounds really terrible what you're going through. A psychiatric nurse who was quite good once told me nearly everybody experiences suicidal thoughts. It's just whether we execute them.

    It seems to me with your loving wife and your determination to keep going that you have much to live for. You mentioned you've been bankrupt before and you got out of it. What's to say you can't do it again? One thing is for sure the economy will pick up.

    It's nice to hear that you enjoy helping others. Maybe though you've got to help yourself now and then get back in a position where you can do what you do best and help other people again.

    You're just a good guy going through a bad time. Things will get better and I'm so glad that your wife is there with you as well.

    Thank you for posting here and I hope things get better for you soon.

    Take care.

    Kind regards,

  3. Zola

    Zola Antiquities Friend

    Hi, Polar!

    Thanks for writing back to me! If it weren't for this site I really wouldn't haven't anyone to talk to. I hope you're right. I hope I'm just a good guy going through a bad time. Of course it doesn't feel that way to me! For me, this feels like the end of the world! Though I must say, in comparison with the stories people tell, the collections people I have to deal with are awfully pleasant. It's a new thing for me, but most of them are nice. I expected to be excoriated up and down the street. But of course, with the present economic breakdown their best chance is to be a nice guy.

    Of course, I have a perfect payment record prior to July of this year. And they comment on it, give me credit, etc. This is no game. You really do have to pay what you owe. They don't offer you freebies. And (thank God!) one of my cousins sent me an email today offering $3k to stop the foreclosure of our tacky old house. Her name is Jody < Mod Edit - Took Out Personal Info > She's a good guy, but it sure took her an awful time before she came to this decision.

    Take care!

    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 9, 2009
  4. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Your cousin probably wouldn't be thrilled to know that you posted her name and email address on a message board for thousands of people to see.
  5. Zola

    Zola Antiquities Friend

    You're probably right. I didn't think it through before I did it. I will tell her about it immediately. At the same time, please realize that my cousin is one of the most technological, wordly people in the world. I would be much surprised if she took umbrage at my unintentional publication of her email address. She's a very bright, worldly, experienced executive nurse in the US, not a shrinking violet by any means. Happily married and as tough as needed to fend off the unwanted
  6. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    Just to let you know that her email address has been edited out.
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