Well, it's been a while since I've acted out on suicidal thoughts (4 years). But since then I've had on and off ideations. Right now I don't have much to live for other than existing to keep my family and pet happy. It seems harder and harder to function normally nowadays since I've started weaning off benzos (i have plenty of support with that, but its just not enough). The weaning has caused lots of depression, insomnia and anxiety. I've got a bad case of depression. I've pretty much run out of money and need to quit smoking as well. So, there go the last of any type of connection to a routine. I've quit smoking before. It's not as bad as benzo withdrawal. But it still sucks bigtime. Last time I quit smoking I was in a similar state (bottomed out in a depressive state, unemployed, anxious to boot). I somehow eventually went to the hospital for a mental instability that wouldn't go away. Now it seems that instability will truly manifest. I guess right now I'm just trying to latch onto whatever aspects of reality while I still can. Suicide is something I think about everyday. I don't feel any pleasure in anything. It's going to get worse too. I try not to be the dramatic type. So I won't go much further. Just that I'm really getting sick of life. And have no energy to improve it. It's also going to get worse before it gets better (due to weaning off benzos, once I'm off withdrawal will hit, then once its over I can pick up whatever's left of my life, if I make it that far).