Stuck in a long grinding hell

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Apostacious, Jul 29, 2007.

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  1. Apostacious

    Apostacious New Member

    Well, it's been a while since I've acted out on suicidal thoughts (4 years). But since then I've had on and off ideations. Right now I don't have much to live for other than existing to keep my family and pet happy. It seems harder and harder to function normally nowadays since I've started weaning off benzos (i have plenty of support with that, but its just not enough). The weaning has caused lots of depression, insomnia and anxiety. I've got a bad case of depression. I've pretty much run out of money and need to quit smoking as well. So, there go the last of any type of connection to a routine. I've quit smoking before. It's not as bad as benzo withdrawal. But it still sucks bigtime. Last time I quit smoking I was in a similar state (bottomed out in a depressive state, unemployed, anxious to boot). I somehow eventually went to the hospital for a mental instability that wouldn't go away. Now it seems that instability will truly manifest.

    I guess right now I'm just trying to latch onto whatever aspects of reality while I still can. Suicide is something I think about everyday. I don't feel any pleasure in anything. It's going to get worse too. I try not to be the dramatic type. So I won't go much further. Just that I'm really getting sick of life. And have no energy to improve it. It's also going to get worse before it gets better (due to weaning off benzos, once I'm off withdrawal will hit, then once its over I can pick up whatever's left of my life, if I make it that far).
     
  2. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    :welcome: to SF. It sounds as if you are facing a few rough times soon in the future. We will be here to support you if you want to reach out and accept it from us. I am glad you chose to post and share this much with us. Please take care and know that we are here for you in the future. You don't need to face tough times alone. :hug:
     
  3. Darkness N Light

    Darkness N Light Staff Alumni

    Apostacious,
    Hello and welcome to the forum. I am so sorry that you are having a rough time of it right now. We are all here to support you in any way that we can. If you ever need to talk feel free to send me a pm and I will get back to you as soon as I get it. Please know that you do not have to go through this alone. Take care and I love you. :hug: :cheekkiss :hug: :cheekkiss :hug: :cheekkiss :hug: :cheekkiss


    With Love,
    Crystal :hug: :cheekkiss
     
  4. Apostacious

    Apostacious New Member

    Thanks for your kind words. I'm still alive despite my prior intentions. Suicidal ideation is constant still. I'm starting to lose the ability to concentrate and recognize basic things (i think this is called derealization). Running out of hope again.
     
  5. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

    :welcome:
     
  6. eli

    eli Member

    Hi, good to hear you are waering off the benzos. were you on them for long? i have insomnia to alot of the time and benzos (to counteract it) nearly cost me my life. I also have nearly constant thoughts about suicide and i feel like i cant do anything else anymore. not good when you are in college :huh:
    welcome to the forum and drop me a line anytime if you want to talk :)
     
  7. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    Welcome to SF, i really hope you can find some support here and im glad you joined us :hug:
     
  8. Puddytat

    Puddytat Well-Known Member

    :welcome:
     
  9. Lead Savior

    Lead Savior Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the forum
     
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