I don't have the guts to go through with a suicide. Every time I think about going through with ending my life, I know I won't actually do it, but I'm also suffering tremendously. I carry my sick brain wherever I go. There's no escaping the madness inside. That's the agonizing suffering I constantly feel. I don't want to wind up brain damaged, paralyzed, severely physically disabled or very sick from a failed suicide attempt. I hate the pain of living, but I can't escape. Know what I mean? I'm stuck essentially. In a very bad way. My life feels like it's going nowhere. Nothing's changing. Nothing's moving along. It's been bad luck after bad luck and I'm sick of it. Sometimes I find myself wishing that I just won't wake up from a sleep. Painless and easy. That'll never happen. It's not logical. I don't know what to do. All of this feels like a nightmare because nothing's going right in my life in any area. People constantly screw me over and they turn out to be nothing but shams, liars, and users. I've been out of a job for a long time and I'm struggling financially. I don't know what I can do to get ahead in this economy. Money is all I think about. How to get it and that I don't have much of it left. I feel like a failure who can't get her head not only above water, but can't come anywhere near halfway to the surface. I'm always falling for the wrong guy. He turns out to be nothing like what I thought. Just another lying parasite.