Stuck in a rut and unable to see good things

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by JGF, Aug 22, 2012.

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  1. JGF

    JGF Well-Known Member

    I've been depressed and suicidal for almost 20 years (Most of my life) for various reasons, but it's always boiled down to extreme self-hatred and hating my life and feeling that I'm a failure. The main thing I've been most down on myself for in recent years is the fact that not only can I not get into a relationship, but I can't even get a date. I dated once in my life for a few months, broke up with her almost six years ago, and haven't been able to find anyone else since.

    I've been upset about other things that have improved slightly, like not being able to find a job and finding one in recent months, but I still lack a love life and a heavy social life, my interests are too limited, and I can't figure out how to fix either. As a result, what other people see as accomplishments and victories for me mean nothing to me. I still think I'm a pathetic loser, and the way I see it, if I was ever going to get another date, it would have happened already. Because of this, I'm gearing up to kill myself, as I'll just feel lonely and inadequate for the rest of my life if I choose to live it. Any thoughts?
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    My thoughts are that your breakup was recent and it takes time to heal and to move on...please give this time and see what you can do to be in the company of people also looking to connect (while doing what you like to do).
  3. champie

    champie Well-Known Member

    JGF, sadeyes is giving potent advice. Give yourself time to explore your gifts and interests with people you can relate to in an honest way. It's ok to dissatisfied with failure to meet your expectations, but you will have to make an effort to determine what you really need to be satisfied as well as ask yourself why your expectations outpace your satisfaction.

    In a response to one of my previous posts, a very thoughtful person mentioned that I should examine the idea of the TRUE SELF. I found that we all have the ability to overshadow our true selves with a gang of false selves that often make us subservient to them. They are created in an attempt to navigate this world and protect us from all the possible hurtful things that we can experience within and without. However, we can rely on them too much and make them false leaders.

    You want to lead!

    I hope this makes sense and provides some insight. If you are moved by the idea I urge you to explore it further. If you like, I could recommend one particular professional who focuses on this topic through a series of videos on youtube.

    also, you should become aware of Buckminster Fuller's personal story and how he faced down his own planned demise at the age of 32. I would also be happy to provide more information on that if it resonates with you.
  4. JGF

    JGF Well-Known Member

    My breakup isn't recent at all. I said in my first post that it was almost six years ago. That's more than enough time to be in several relationships, and I can't even start one. I'm the biggest loser I know.
  5. JGF

    JGF Well-Known Member

    Weeks later, and I've gotten nowhere in life. I've tried going out to socialize, but I can't wrap my head around how I start conversations with total strangers. Killing myself is probably the best option I've got.
  6. JGF

    JGF Well-Known Member

    Now I can't even try falling asleep without repeated advice to kill myself ringing in my mind. Is there any hope for me? Why shouldn't I end things when I can't get better?
  7. dragonfly70

    dragonfly70 Well-Known Member

    I'm glad you've come here rather than listen to the thoughts in your head. Your original post asked for any thoughts and I have a few, so bear with me...

    First, are you seeing a therapist or a psychiatrist for your depression/suicidal thoughts? Have you ever been to either? Are you on any medications? That would be the first step - find some professional help with this. Some of this may very well be out of your control, but others can help you. I know medication might not be for everyone, but it has saved my life.

    Secondly - keep in mind that things do change - like finding your new job.

    Next - as far as how to meet people...a couple of ideas come to mind. Could you take a class? Nothing really seriously academic - more like photography or cooking or something related to a hobby or perhaps something you might not think you'd be terribly interested in, but have kind of wondered about. I'm not sure where you're located, but very often community colleges or local art galleries have course offerings. Even larger colleges often have lifelong learning opportunities for the community.

    The other thing to consider is one of those online relationship places, like or eharmony - I've known other people who have found very meaningful relationships through these sorts of sites. And nobody will think less of you for going through one, since they're there too! It can be very hard to meet people - that's why these sites are there and have been kept in business so long.

    I do believe there is hope for you. I really do. And I do think you can get better. The thoughts you are having can be silenced and life can be good again. I know things feel pretty bleak right now. But there are options that I'm not sure you've taken yet (sorry, I haven't gone back to read earlier posts - I just wanted to jump in and reply to this now).
  8. sadhart

    sadhart Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry about what you're going through. In certain ways, I can relate. I am struggling to find a steady job, and I am still trying to get over a painful rejection from three years ago. I hope that you are able to find some peace and comfort, at least for tonight.
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