Stuck in a rut

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Hey guys, for the past years death has been an ever present thought in my mind, not always neccesserally from a suicidal point of view, but just the fact that it is the 1 thing that is inevietable in my life. I've started to become hell bent on what will happen when I die.

I've lost all motivation in life, I feel stuck in such a huge rut, I have rapidly run out of energy or interest for most things - i just can't be bothered to do anything my mind is too occupied with the bigger picture, i love thinking about space and how it all came about but then it goes right back to feeling the only way i'll know is to die.

I could be an astronomer, perhaps or i'd love to go into space... but that will never happen as i have to hold down a job to pay my mortgage and support my wife.

I do love my wife, but I find it incredibly hard to talk to her about my feelings, i've become very sensitive to what people say to me, I take alot of it to heart, and hold grudges. Sometimes when I do open up to her she asks questions and my mind just goes blank, i can't think of the words to say, i know exactly how i feel, but to put it into words is just too hard, then she gets angry with me for not talking to her and we fall out, i do love her that is for definate, but now i feel condemned to the dross that is life, medicore life, kids, struggling to make ends meet, have a boring car, go on holiday occasionally, and even then it will be one of those cheap package deals... I can forsee that my life will be incredibly average, and i don't want it to be, i want to see the world in all it's glory, travel, learn how to scuba dive... learn languages, volenteer to help in africa and places like that.

But it's too late, i don't have any money spare, it all goes on surviving and living, paying the way for a very average, working class, lifestyle - that is the way my life is going to pan out. i'll stress again that i love my wife, and she's one of if not the only the reason i'm not dead already.

And inevietably children will arrive even more money gone that i don't already have.

So you could say here that money would solve all my problems, and believe me it would oh man it would. If i won the lottery i'd be a different man, but why should i hold out for something that probability dictates won't happen, and if fate had anything to do with it, I don't deserve it at all. I don't do anything particularly helpful to other's, sure i'm polite and respectful, but i don't go out of my way to help others too much. Oh and getting a new job isn't going to happen either, I have good grades however they are only at high school level, i dropped out of college, it's about here that my persona on life changed, i don't know why, i remember being so happy and had such a zest for life when i was a kid, adulthood just feels bleak and struinned with disspointment.

So here I can see that my life isn't going to pan out the way I want it to, struggling to make ends meet, nothing like what i dreamed when i was younger.

So I go back to thinking about death, and every angle that I look at it from i begin to convince myself that it is the realistic answer.

I'm going to die anyway, so, why bother with the drudgery? because i don't want to cause my wife so much heartache. thats the only thing stopping me really.

Other than that you could argue, you will go to hell and burn for eternity, i would answer well if that is the case, chances are i'd be going to hell anyway whenever i die, and eternity put's a few decades into insignificance, if i die now, or live till i am 100, eternity will be far far far far far greater and make that small difference insignificant.

It's the same answer for pretty much anything else, hell, death is the absolute end, yada yada yada...

so the only other alternative i can think of currently would be reincarnation, great! another chance! even if i end up as a worm or something like that, at least then i won't have the mental capacity to feel stuck in this web of dilemmas and dissapointment, so thats a plus.

So now after convincing myself that death will outweigh anything that happens in my insignificant life, i can't be arsed to do anything because there is no point, it doesn't matter at the end of the day, i cannot achieve the things i want to in life, so why should i even try and settle for anything less when it doesn't matter anyway?

I don't feel particularly suicidal at the moment even though as i said it's something i think about regularly...

i guess i've just gone kind of numb to life.

Sorry if this is a hard read, theres' probably alot i have missed out, but i've just been typing as it has come into my mind.

PS: I don't want to seek professional help, i can't afford it and don't suggest it, i don't even know why i posted this, it doesn't matter anyway, it will be a post long forgotten on the internet soon enough.... i guess i just wanted to see if anybody else felt like me?


Staff Alumni
I truly know how you feel with the exception of the loved one not having been a wife...I find depression and suicidality have an obessive component which I found I got stuck in many times...please PM me if I can share any of this with you...J
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