Practical Advice Stuck in bed and scared

[Bluegrad]

So I've been trying for three months to snap out of my depression which has gotten progressively worse over 6 years as a result of living situations, my panic disorder (that I didn't know what it was until 3 months ago) and family that aren't empathetic. I've also developed a bit of a drink dependency for social situations, but more recently this past week for getting through the day honestly. It's 11am and I haven't left my bed for two days apart from to get food at night, because I'm trying to avoid the confrontation that meeting other people brings.
I've been prescribed propanolol for my heart rate and citalopram. I take the propanolol and at first I thought it was just working but now I think it is more of a placebo. I'm terrified to take the citalopram because of side affects. My doctor said I should start a 6 month trial of it to see how it goes but I'm at a point in my life where I need to make big decisions about my future as I will graduate with classification in 8 days and I don't think I can cope with getting worse before I get better right now. I messed up my dissertation big time and think it will cause my grade to shift significantly. My hesitation is causing a huge divide in my family and they are often angry at me and say I'm not helping myself. I feel like I'm in survival mode, I'm so focused on myself right now I worry that I'm not thinking of others. My therapist is honestly useless and gives me loads of worksheets to complete surrounding expectations and values that I think people and society have.
My country is also in lockdown and nothing is open and still can't meet friends. My boyfriend lives in another city and I haven't seen him for 13 weeks, I haven't ever told him I'm feeling this way and I'm lying to him about being productive because I don't want him to think of me this way. When I met him I was never this bad. My mum says I shouldn't tell him either.
Are there other medications that work without the side affects? What can I do? I've tried crafting this week to occupy my mind, but I feel just empty and hopeless. I cannot gain weight and the rest of the side effects are terrifying.

 

[Walker]

Hi there
I'm concerned that you are more worried about gaining weight as a side effect of medication than progressive depression over the past six years. Does that sound reasonable when you hear that written down? If a friend went to you and said they were so depressed they were visiting suicide sites, drinking a bit, feeling hopeless and unproductive. couldn't get out of bed and were messing up school but didn't want to take medication -- but were also unwilling to take medication because they MIGHT have side effect if weight gain, what would you tell them?

 

[Bluegrad]

Hi there
I'm concerned that you are more worried about gaining weight as a side effect of medication than progressive depression over the past six years. Does that sound reasonable when you hear that written down? If a friend went to you and said they were so depressed they were visiting suicide sites, drinking a bit, feeling hopeless and unproductive. couldn't get out of bed and were messing up school but didn't want to take medication -- but were also unwilling to take medication because they MIGHT have side effect if weight gain, what would you tell them?

Well I'm bullimic and have had issues with my weight since around the same time. It's a big reason for my depression.

 

[Bluegrad]

Well I'm bullimic and have had issues with my weight since around the same time. It's a big reason for my depression.

Bulimic*

 

[Acy]

Hi, @Bluegrad - I’m sorry to hear you are feeling so badly right now. I think when we have multiple intertwined issues, it is very important to trust our doctor’s recommendations. They are not going to just treat one aspect of a person, but will consider the impact on the “whole” person long-term. So if the citalopram causes weight gain, the doctor feels that is “okay” for now. I have seen people take meds that made them gain weight, then they lost the weight when things settled down for them.

For citalopram, it seems that it doesn’t cause weight gain, it improves the appetite. So the person eats more. One way to handle the improved appetite is to have a lot of healthy treats to eat. Fruit, veggies with a bit of tangy dip, smoothies, drink lots and lots of water to feel full, limit the carbs and fats a bit, make fruit smoothies without sugar...

Maybe you could plan out each day’s allotment of meals and snacks so you know what healthy meals you will have - making it less likely that you will eat too many calorie-heavy, sugar-laden things.

And if it is for six months to get feeling emotionally better, it’s not forever. If you gain a little weight, when you are feeling better, you can carefully discuss with your doctor how to lose the weight properly. I think since you are concerned about all these things, maybe talk to your doctor now about your concerns so you have a sense of what she/he thinks are the risks and benefits and what is “likely” to happen in your case.

I suspect that it all feels overwhelming. Break it into pieces - “This is for now; this is how I could try to manage it; this is the long-term goal, and when I get there, I can do that.” Getting better will not happen all at once, so maybe try not to jump ahead too far with your concerns, just take it as it comes. And then deal with things IF they crop up. Some people take citalopram and do not gain a lot of weight. Talk to your doctor.

I wish you good luck!

 

[lifetalkz]

Unfortunately you are in one of those crossroads sorts of situations where many important (and unresolved) issues in your life are all colliding at once. This happens to us all at times in our lives and it's never pleasant. Because you have a combative relationship with yourself your particular situation is (I'm sure) very uncomfortable. I was in a similar circumstance more than 20 years ago. Things had to work out in their own time, in their own way but I was very worried about the outcome. Like you I had very little self-confidence. Also like you I had a severe addiction to alcohol and an eating disorder (anorexia).

I know now in looking back that the missing piece in my life was a kind, compassionate relationship with myself. I allowed other peoples opinions and expectations of me to drown out the sounds of my own inner voice saying "please stop..." I had to find my own voice in all of the noise and learn how to stick up for myself. It was very difficult at first because I didn't believe that I deserved to have my own life and my own opinions of things. I had bad anxiety too because people expected so much of me and I was terrified of letting them down and disappointing them. Then they wouldn't love me any more (at least that's how I thought).

You have a right to love yourself and be kind to yourself. You have a lot of work to do to begin to heal your life but the first step is so very simple...make a commitment to forgive yourself for whatever it is that you believe you've done wrong and start fresh with a clean slate. You really can start over with new hopes and dreams, It all starts with you...you're worthy of love, kindness and respect. You deserve those things from yourself first then everyone else. If someone in your circle can't seem to treat you that way for whatever reason some time away from that person or persons would probably be good for a while. I'll be praying for you. Best wishes-LT

 

[may71]

Sorry that you're going through this.

I recommend acupuncture and traditional Chinese herbal medicine here a lot. It might be hard to get treatment, depending on the lock-down rules in your country. I think there are some herbalists who will make a diagnosis based on a description of your symptoms, health history, and an examination of a picture of your tongue, and then mail you a prescription.

Are there other medications that work without the side affects?

Not really, but there are some medications that might have a different set of side effects that you may find more tolerable. You might want to have a conversation with your doctor about other possible medications.

The links in my signature have some information about self-help methods that might be useful.

I hope things can get better soon

 

[Bluegrad]

Thank you all for your advice I appreciate it a lot. 😌

 

[O2BHAP]

OP, I understand your feelings about medication. It is a bad choice to have to make. These meds can wreak havoc. It feels like a cruel trade off.
Hang in there and try different things. Just because one med has bad effects, you may tolerate another better.
research nootropics for mental health for other ideas.
Don’t give up trying.
Also agree with the above posts regarding what is happening.

 

[Bluegrad]

OP, I understand your feelings about medication. It is a bad choice to have to make. These meds can wreak havoc. It feels like a cruel trade off.
Hang in there and try different things. Just because one med has bad effects, you may tolerate another better.
research nootropics for mental health for other ideas.
Don’t give up trying.
Also agree with the above posts regarding what is happening.

I since have increased my therapy sessions and dosage from doctor, I'm trying so hard to be a better family member. I bake fresh bread for them, I clean a lot, I try to be agreeable. I'm going through all my savings paying for this as it isn't cheap. It's not working though, I mentioned I was going to try stay with my boyfriend for a change of scene and my mum now wants me to leave the family home for good as she is offended I don't want to be there right now. I don't know what to do. This obviously isn't an isolated issue, and have been singled out for a long time by family. I even got a first class honours but they regard me as stupid. Lockdown is really getting to me, I'm struggling to find a job to get out of this situation. Also lacking in funds to take courses which might help my job prospects, because my old landlord is trying to steal my deposit after I moved out 2 months ago. I am having panic attacks more regularly and am really body conscious right now. Keep taking laxatives. I don't know what to do, I feel so sore all over. I worry about my little sister because she's so anxious too.