Hi. I am so torn right now . I feel like the devil is on one shoulder and the angel is on the other. I am so consumed with suicidal ideation, i'm screaming inside..but nobody is listening. I just keep taking painkiller meds and diazepams. I would rather feel numb or like a zombie than having to deal with these conflicting thoughts all the time. Suppose the thing is, right now....... The negative thoughts are winning.