stuck in my own head

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Malcontent, Oct 19, 2008.

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  1. Malcontent

    Malcontent Staff Alumni

    So yeah, here I am again, begging for support. I hate that I haven't given anything back to anyone here for months now. It's not for lack of wanting to, but I feel like anything I could say would sound empty.

    I was doing so much better and felt like I actually had a bit of a handle on life. But like always that illusion has been shattered. I've started drinking again, and taking drugs. I haven't started cutting again yet but I think about it all the time and I think it'd take only one really bad day to make me give in to it. Everything feels like it did just before the last time I broke. I can see the cycle I'm stuck in but I can't see any way out of it. Any way that doesn't include my own death that is. I break down, I depend on other people to pull me out of it, I fool myself into thinking that I'm doing ok, I try to work and the stress of it pushes me down, I keep going until I make myself physically ill, I break... This time I've tried to stop all that from happening again by not looking to anyone else for support, but all that's done is make me even more introverted and hateful and untrusting of other people. I don't keep my anger about things to myself anymore, I'm finding it hard to give a shit about what anyone else says. I think I need to go back into therapy again, but the shame I feel about that is so huge. My parents would have to know because I'd have no other way of getting there or paying for it. I want to make them proud of me. I'm 23 for fuck's sake, I should have a job and a university education and my own place and a stable life, I shouldn't still be relying on them. They should be able to live their lives without having to worry about me by now. I know they don't see it like that but I feel like a disappointment on every level. I want to work, I want to do something with my life, but I can't take the stress. I know that sounds like a pathetic excuse, but I physically hurt when I'm stressed and by ignoring that pain and carrying on I damage my body. I hate how useless and worthless I am. There's only one thing that makes me truely happy and I'm insecure about whether I'm actually any good at it. All I want to do with my life is sing, it's the only time that I feel I'm really being myself and doing the best I can. Apart from that everything else is empty and pointless. Apart from that I'm a complete waste of oxygen and would be better off killing myself now. I'm everything that's bad about people.

    Please don't reply to this just because you feel obligated to, I honestly would prefer no response at all. I already know I'm pathetic and stupid and the cause of all my own problems.
  2. andyc68

    andyc68 Guest

    hi Mal
    sorry to see you back on the booze and drugs, seems like you have been doing a great job until recently, whats happened to bring this about, just life or something more substancial.
    theres no shame in asking for help again, we all need help at times and it doesnt matter if theres been a gap since the last time.
    the only one who can help you with your stress is yourself firstly, face up to it then understand that this is something that you need to share and have others support you in this, and it doesnt make you worthless or pathetic, just human.

    i may not have been much help but remember you wont be alone here, let us help you and maybe we can make a difference.

    be strong
  3. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I can understand your frustrations Mal. If things were different for you emotionally you would have all the things in place that you wish could be. Unfortunately life didn't take that direction. I wish I had all the answers for you, or even just one of them, but I don't. I offer my ear and my support as you struggle through these tough times.
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