Stuck In The Ground (triggering)

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Joshy, Aug 19, 2012.

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  1. Joshy

    Joshy Well-Known Member

    I'm severely depressed at the moment.. Kind of thinking about drinking, and suicide.
    Thinking of ways I WOULD do it, but I know I wont ever do because of my fear of blood, fear of physical pain, fear of dying I guess.. :/

    I'm listening to Joseph Anthony Camerlengo's album "All The Things That Should Have Killed Me But Didn't." It's an insanely depressingly happy album of the FreakPop genre. And I'm listening to it as loud as possible in a locked bed room, in the pitch dark with everything off other than my computer.

    I don't have any friends.. I wander around websites in hopeless search of making friends. I just... I don't know. I've always been neglected and alone by my fucking self. It's no exaggeration when someone says their alone all the time. I honestly have no friends...

    I just sit here... Every fucking day.. Listening to my music. Or trying to sleep all day every day to avoid being alive..
    Every now and then eat if I feel very hungry. But I also avoid eating. I'll eat maybe one small snack every 2 days or so.

    I just don't have any friends to begin with, I don't know anyone. And I'm too old for public school, so I'm home schooled.
    I never learned how to socialize properly with anyone, I never learned how to make friends, I never learned how to do anything. I self taught myself pretty much everything... And it depresses me to a state of wanting to just kill myself, if I can't change myself, if I can't have a better life...

    I feel stuck in the ground. I feel like I'm trapped in dirt, in a coffin. And everyones walking above me, laughing, smiling, having fun lives. I'm just stuck alive in the ground...

    I do have anxiety, I am shy, but a reason for that is obvious, I NEVER EXPERIENCED friendships, I never learned how to socialize as I said.. :/

    I don't know what the fuck to do. I can't even get a job. I've been applying for jobs everywhere.

    I can either continue homeschooling or get a GED. And I've already lost my will to care about my education if I can't even get a job in the first place, and I can't even communicate with anyone or make any friends or connections with anyone.

    I made accounts on basically every social networking site. No friends.

    I'm so fucking lonely, I don't know how to BE , and I don't know what to do. I just don't want to do anything anymore. I just want to rot in my lonely neglected isolation... I haven't talked to anyone about this in reality. I don't want to go to a psych ward, see a psychologist, or see a therapist.

    And don't give me any religious bullshit PLEASE. I'm an Atheist.

    If you're reading this, then I'm glad to have gotten a small (insignificant) amount of your time. I'm glad you read it all if you did..

    I can promise I wont commit suicide any day soon. I promise that for sure. I'm just severely depressed at the moment..
    I don't know how to do things or live my life all on my own.. I wish I could be like those kind of guys who work, talk and see friends and multiple women every day, go clubbing, do crazy shit in public, and be well-known and appreciated.. But I don't know how to BE and I don't know what to do to BE.

    I can't start, I don't know how to start, I don't know what to do... Like a kindergartener not in kindergarten. Can't learn to BE, doesn't know how to BE, and just.. CAN'T BE.
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I think you are less inept than you perceive yourself to be. You know clearly that isolating yourself in your room in the dark and listening to depressing music id not the answer. You obviously know that drinking and suicide are not the answer since you said so yourself. You know that sitting around and doing nothing is not the answer.

    You are stuck trying to find out what the right answers are, not being told what you are doing wrong as you clearly know already. A job would certainly help. If you can't get a job (and there are huge numbers of people that can't for any number of reasons), try volunteering someplace - even something simple like a food pantry or soup kitchen where you do not need great social skills but can still be around people and possibly aquire over time either skills or to let people get to know the real you so as not to be put off by social awkwardness. The internet is okay for meeting people, but nothing beats actually being out there doing instead of waiting for somebody else to do. It may giive you a sense of purpose and direction which i am guessing would also be helpful to you.

    This is just one idea, maybe others have better ideas. But the most important thing is to not give up until you get what you need. You know the things that are bad for you - change the habit and routine. Say "tomorrow from 10:00 - 11:00 I am going for a walk. I don't care if I do not talk to a single person but for that hour I will not be stuck in my room- I will not be stuck in the routine that I know is bad for me" - and then do it. Or whatever activity or thing works for you.

    Take Care and Be Safe

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