I'm severely depressed at the moment.. Kind of thinking about drinking, and suicide. Thinking of ways I WOULD do it, but I know I wont ever do because of my fear of blood, fear of physical pain, fear of dying I guess.. :/ I'm listening to Joseph Anthony Camerlengo's album "All The Things That Should Have Killed Me But Didn't." It's an insanely depressingly happy album of the FreakPop genre. And I'm listening to it as loud as possible in a locked bed room, in the pitch dark with everything off other than my computer. I don't have any friends.. I wander around websites in hopeless search of making friends. I just... I don't know. I've always been neglected and alone by my fucking self. It's no exaggeration when someone says their alone all the time. I honestly have no friends... I just sit here... Every fucking day.. Listening to my music. Or trying to sleep all day every day to avoid being alive.. Every now and then eat if I feel very hungry. But I also avoid eating. I'll eat maybe one small snack every 2 days or so. I just don't have any friends to begin with, I don't know anyone. And I'm too old for public school, so I'm home schooled. I never learned how to socialize properly with anyone, I never learned how to make friends, I never learned how to do anything. I self taught myself pretty much everything... And it depresses me to a state of wanting to just kill myself, if I can't change myself, if I can't have a better life... I feel stuck in the ground. I feel like I'm trapped in dirt, in a coffin. And everyones walking above me, laughing, smiling, having fun lives. I'm just stuck alive in the ground... I do have anxiety, I am shy, but a reason for that is obvious, I NEVER EXPERIENCED friendships, I never learned how to socialize as I said.. :/ I don't know what the fuck to do. I can't even get a job. I've been applying for jobs everywhere. I can either continue homeschooling or get a GED. And I've already lost my will to care about my education if I can't even get a job in the first place, and I can't even communicate with anyone or make any friends or connections with anyone. I made accounts on basically every social networking site. No friends. I'm so fucking lonely, I don't know how to BE , and I don't know what to do. I just don't want to do anything anymore. I just want to rot in my lonely neglected isolation... I haven't talked to anyone about this in reality. I don't want to go to a psych ward, see a psychologist, or see a therapist. And don't give me any religious bullshit PLEASE. I'm an Atheist. DO NOT PRAY TO ME OR ANY OF THAT SHIT.. If you're reading this, then I'm glad to have gotten a small (insignificant) amount of your time. I'm glad you read it all if you did.. I can promise I wont commit suicide any day soon. I promise that for sure. I'm just severely depressed at the moment.. I don't know how to do things or live my life all on my own.. I wish I could be like those kind of guys who work, talk and see friends and multiple women every day, go clubbing, do crazy shit in public, and be well-known and appreciated.. But I don't know how to BE and I don't know what to do to BE. I can't start, I don't know how to start, I don't know what to do... Like a kindergartener not in kindergarten. Can't learn to BE, doesn't know how to BE, and just.. CAN'T BE.