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Stuck in the past *triggering*

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by ShoegazeDaydream, May 10, 2016.

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  1. ShoegazeDaydream

    ShoegazeDaydream ~Kid at Heart~

    For some reason I'm stuck in the past and I feel as if I'm not able to move on. I've been abused ever since I was young and I know my inner child inside is feeling very lonely and just wants to be loved. When my father sexually molested me and when my mother got married again I went on continuing on being a child and never once thinking about it until years later. I finally got a serious boyfriend who I was in love with and when he broke up with me, I honestly felt as if it was better if I died and thought suicide was the answer. My heart completely shattered cause I loved him and he was my first serious boyfriend ever. At the time I was 19 years old and before than I had boyfriend's but they didn't feel as if they were serious cause they didn't honestly show that they were truly interested. In the end though this guy was just another typical guy and only cared about sex and only sex. As time went on I continued to date different men and I learned a lot from them and I was happy with a lot of them, though I always constantly felt sad. I kept changing and things kept changing between our relationship, I wasn't opening up to them cause I bottled it in and acted as if I had no problems at all. Finally things hit a turning point when I moved to South Carolina and lived with a guy, only he ended up cheating on me in the end and causing me a bunch of anxiety and depression. After that I took a year off from dating and I concentrated on myself. Once I found a new guy, I fell in love....only he was an abuser in the end and I kept going back and forth with him for five years and we used to abuse drugs and get high. At the time I was deeply depressed, I was getting abused and at this point I honestly didn't care anymore. A year before him and I got together I got high on E with a girl and a friend of hers. I hope this doesn't get taken down or anything. This needs to be told. Around the time I needed to escape, once my abuser came into the picture though the addiction was something else. Something that I couldn't stop even if I wanted too cause I felt so happy, free and just wanted to escape reality. I no longer wanted to see what was going on around me, I felt misunderstood by most people and anyone online I met ended up abandoning me, giving up on me and ignoring my messages. In the end it made me feel lonely, sad, felt as if there was no hope. The addiction grew deeper and so did the abuse, the name calling, emotional abuse and I stayed cause I honestly didn't believe anyone else could ever want me or possibly love me. He thought I was beautiful, not many guys ever called me beautiful or wanted to date me cause they think I'm weird, odd or abnormal. The abuser is over with now and I'm clean off of drugs now which I'm thankful of. One day I'll go deeper into my addiction but for now I'll simply leave it as I abused drugs, I won't mention what yet. I'm not ready to open up about that yet. Now it's 2016 and I'm still stuck in the past. Anytime someone hurts my feelings, ignores me or I feel as if there criticizing me. I always think inside my head that there trying to be mean to me and I always end up crying, while thinking to myself, "Why is everyone always mean to me. Why doesn't people like me?" I always feel like people don't like me or will like me. I'm afraid of making a fool of myself or even talking cause I'm afraid once I talk they won't like me. So I stay quiet and listen instead and add in my two cents here and there. I'm a very very quiet person. If I'm alone in a room with someone though, it's a different story. Group of people make me nervous cause I feel as if I'll get judged by them, made fun of by them or told to shut up if I talk a lot. My mind is always constantly thinking of bad and sad memories and that's why I feel as if I'll never heal past all of this. I'm stuck in the past and I want to move on, I really do. Inside though I feel so hurt, depressed, lonely and just wants people to be nice to me. I know one day I'll find love and I truly hope I do. One day I just wanna smile and laugh, not worry so much all the time and just be myself without worrying what people will think of me. :( I want to be accepted and loved.
  2. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I am so very sorry for everything that happened to you hun. You have been through so much, and you're fighting a very brave battle.

    It is very understandable that you have these feelings and that your past is haunting you this way. Abuse has a way of changing your thoughts...
    You are in therapy? Right? Do you feel it is helping you to move forward, and get a more healthy thought pattern? It's hard work and it may take time, but the work is worth it.
    If you start to work on these things, and learn to think better of yourself, then it will be easier to find someone who truly deserves to be with you.

    Please stay strong hun. *hugs*
  3. Mello

    Mello New Member

    Same here. (I read your whole post)

    I had social anxiety, too. What helped me was to have no regrets. I'd say what's on my mind, anyway, and prepare for the worst. If someone tells me to shut the fuck up, I'll act out in aggression and say "fuck you!" If they're bigger than me, and might get stomped or jumped, I'll just be like "alright, man. damn." At the end of the day, I would have no regrets because I tried. And I won't look back and cringe.

    As for the rest of your life, do the same. Live without refrets or fear. You'll find another person who really loves you. Just be smart about it and don't make the same mistake twice.

    I also have some fucked up shit from the past that came back on me. It made me really sad and suicidal with the other fucked up shit I already have to deal with every day. Now I'm just trying to move forward through all this new bullshit that keeps happening. I feel staying optimistic makes a world of difference. Pessimism can lead to suicide and getting nowhere, and things will get worse at every turn. Those same things can HELP you if you're optimistic. You'll look at them differently.
  4. Striking

    Striking Well-Known Member

    This is somewhat difficult and took me some time to do consistently. Create a voice, a friend and protector, who will combat the bully in your head. Mine is Dug, from the movie Up, I do the voice well enough. Whenever Leonard the bully shows up I use Dug and my own voice to counterpoint the attacks. Over time as I've learned about myself I have become acceptably good at fending off attacks or just allowing them to be present. Believe me, Leonard does not like losing and will fight to remain the dominant voice. But he loses consistently now.

    Is my anxiety cured? Hell no, but it is manageable. Is my depression cured? Hell no but I find that by using my anti anxiety tools I can sometimes quiet it too.
  5. Striking

    Striking Well-Known Member

    I believe taking time off from dating is an excellent idea. You need to learn to be kinder to you. It is tougher to do that when you are trying to care for and build a relationship with someone else at the same time.
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