Everyday it's a constant battle to speak. I'm not mute, but it seems that I miss every opportunity to say something positive. I think it in my head but the words don't come out. When I do speak it's something mean or snide or bland. I was never a bland person. I used think in colors and music and art and wonder. But I can't get it to come out. I just want to die. It would be so much better than to hurt the people that I love. I have no friends anymore, slowly they leave or I push them away. This makes me sadder. I have no idea why I even got on this site. There was one guy, like my piece of corn, someone who made me laugh and feel. But he's gone now, I've told him to go away. I can't let him see me like this anymore. Nobody should seem me like this. I'm losing my mind and taking everyone down with me. I'm hurting people with negative emotions and thoughts and words and actions. I see it in their faces when they try to talk to me and I just sit there looking at them like I'm stupid or something. It hurts me too. I can't go on like this. Really, I don't think I can kill myself. I tried that once, it didn't work. I don't like pain and in death there is only pain. I wish there was just an off switch. My grandfather was a child psychiatrist for a time. I fell out of contact with him for a few years but recently I've been seeing a lot of him. He gave me a hint to my disease. Cognitive distortions. Look it up. I wish I knew how to get over it. I'm told it's something I have to do on my own but I feel like I can't. I'm too dependent on others for everything. I'm like a child. If anyone is still reading this I don't know what I want you to say but thank you for taking your time out of your night to read this. Look up guys, the eclipse is out tonight.