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Stuck inside my head.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Beefmoopie, Apr 15, 2014.

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  1. Beefmoopie

    Beefmoopie New Member

    Everyday it's a constant battle to speak. I'm not mute, but it seems that I miss every opportunity to say something positive. I think it in my head but the words don't come out. When I do speak it's something mean or snide or bland. I was never a bland person. I used think in colors and music and art and wonder. But I can't get it to come out. I just want to die. It would be so much better than to hurt the people that I love. I have no friends anymore, slowly they leave or I push them away. This makes me sadder. I have no idea why I even got on this site.

    There was one guy, like my piece of corn, someone who made me laugh and feel. But he's gone now, I've told him to go away. I can't let him see me like this anymore. Nobody should seem me like this. I'm losing my mind and taking everyone down with me. I'm hurting people with negative emotions and thoughts and words and actions. I see it in their faces when they try to talk to me and I just sit there looking at them like I'm stupid or something. It hurts me too. I can't go on like this.

    Really, I don't think I can kill myself. I tried that once, it didn't work. I don't like pain and in death there is only pain. I wish there was just an off switch.

    My grandfather was a child psychiatrist for a time. I fell out of contact with him for a few years but recently I've been seeing a lot of him. He gave me a hint to my disease. Cognitive distortions. Look it up. I wish I knew how to get over it. I'm told it's something I have to do on my own but I feel like I can't. I'm too dependent on others for everything. I'm like a child. If anyone is still reading this I don't know what I want you to say but thank you for taking your time out of your night to read this.

    Look up guys, the eclipse is out tonight.
  2. morning rush

    morning rush Well-Known Member

    I so have that myself. And the more you try to convince yourself otherwise the louder that cognitive thought screams. It's really not fun to have. I get treated for stuff though so that helps, but I understand what you're going through because I'm doing that too. I've been so negative lately, so angry and there are days when I'm stuck in my head and nothing comes out so I'm stuck sitting and doing nothing. It sucks, but that's part of my anxiety disorder too...

    just wanted to let you know you're not alone :hug:
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Just want to say i hear you are you being treated at all for this disorder with meds or therapy CBT it helps
  4. Beefmoopie

    Beefmoopie New Member

    Thank you to both of you. No I'm not being treated but I probably should be.
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