I don't know. And I don't know how the hell I expect this to help...but here goes. I just feel like I'm right back where i started..I thought I'd found something to live for, but I can't even remember what the hell it was anymore. The thing is I know I can, I know I have the strength to do it, and I know my situation isn't the worst it could be, not by far. But I also know I just do not deserve life. And i don't deserve death. I feel like i should do somethng about it, I know its not up to me, it just feels like it is. I'm truly a terrible person, I'm sorry but that's the truth and I'm even too much of a coward to let you know who I am. My dad was abusive. i know that that has gone into me, I feel sure that I'm a bad person and I can not allow mysef to bring children into the world. Even though that is the thing that matters and always has mattered absolutley the most in my life. The only thing I wanted. It hurts to think about, but that's completely selfish. I can't become that. I already triggered my father off, I caused all that hurt and I can't do it again. I'm sorry. I'm just so scared. I can't live with this, this pain that I can't have that. I can't live with nothing in my future being even vaguely certain. Nothing's there. Its just loneliness stretching out in front of me. And when I look back there's nothing there either, its all just fallen apart behind me when I wasn't looking, feels like there's nothing to go back to. I guess that's it, rant over. I don't deserve help, I don't deserve to die, I don't deserve to live, just wish so badly that i never ever existed. Which is impossible, so I only have one other solution I can think of, I guess soon it should be time.