Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by loneland, Feb 20, 2014.

  1. loneland

    loneland Member

    I don't want to make this long winded or angry, so I'll try to be brief.

    I am frustrated with my husband. It seems to me like he has real issue dealing with stress and anxiety. His job is certainly very stressful, but that stress seems to be the center of his thoughts and feelings. Often when he comes home he escapes into the computer room to play games or just sits there complaining all evening. He has very little motivation to do anything in the evenings or on weekends and it seems like he merely indulges his inertia. Things that would be routine for most people, like stopping to get some milk on the way home or cleaning a cat box only ever are done when I ask him to help me and are met with loud complaints.

    I will admit, there might be some resentment on my part. In the recent past, he hasn't always been as strong as I need him to be to help me when I've needed support and I've felt like I've had to take care of him even when I desperately need emotional care, which has been draining. I struggle with clinical depression and PTSD and I usually feel that I'm always alone with it. He also doesn't give me the daily affection I feel I need and his sex drive has basically evaporated.

    I know I can be confrontational, and that he tends to simply shut down when I'm like this, so I've really tried hard to be supportive, to talk to him as long as he wants about work, or to try and distract him with a nice meal or something fun to do (which he usually just complains about, anyway). I do ALL of the housework, yard care, repairs, and home improvement and still work more than full time. I've tried to get him into therapy, and succeeded in getting him to one appointment, but that was where is stopped. He's even lied about having contacted therapists for appointments.

    I feel stuck. . .
  2. justsomegirl

    justsomegirl Well-Known Member

    loneland, I'm hearing how overwhelmed and stressed you are, and also that you are feeling stuck in a situation. I'm sorry you are having to deal with all of this. Not being married, I don't know what kind of advice I can give. I think it takes a strong person to fight against the instinct to be confrontational and to be patient instead; I admire you for that. I mostly just wanted to say that although I have no concrete advice I feel for you and hope you find a solution soon. :hug:
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    If you can you go to marriage counseling on your own then ok it will help you to know someone is listening and supporting you
  4. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I am sorry you are in such a difficult situation and your apparent efforts at changing the setting have not been successful. Being married can be very hard work sometimes - and unfortunately the spouse is often the one that is most neglected no matter how much extra effort they put into things. Unfortunately it sounds like you have already tried a lot of the things that might be recommended and there comes a point when some effort needs to come from the other direction as well. Has your husband ever suffered from depression before? I mention just because his lack of interest in everything and lack of satisfaction has some signs of that as well.

    If your husband will not go to therapy with you, perhaps you could set an appointment for yourself to go talk to a marriage counselor where you could describe the situation in some detail and get some insight on ideas you have not thought of yet? Or ideas on how to convince him that therapy or counseling may be of benefit to him as well? The only other thing I could think of would be to stop doing a lot of the things you do and when it gets noticed you stop perhaps he will listen to the why. That may get attention, but it would be a very high risk method of doing it and while I am sure it has occurred to you to just stop doing so much if he does not appreciate it, that approach when already in a strained situation could push things too far over the edge so you would need to use your best judgement on if that is a good idea or not.

    I guess I really just wanted to say I read this and understand your frustration. I also applaud you for caring enough to make the effort to reach out for help or ideas from others. You clearly are worht his time and effort and I hope he realizes that soon.
  5. loneland

    loneland Member

    Hi there. Just wanted to thank those of you answered. It really did mean a lot just to be able to tell someone, even if I don't even know them. Since I feel alone with these things, sometimes I feel like I must be crazy, if I am the only one experiencing them. Anyway, I just wanted to thank you all.
  6. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Hi loneland, you're a star! You're not the slightest bit crazy........ I do hope that hubby comes to see how valuable you are and that he starts to meet your needs the same way :) Sometimes, think about giving yourself some "me"-time, hun - you need to take care of your batteries too, and he needs to charge his up a little (or much....