I lay awake at night torturing myself with thoughts and sometimes they beat me and I end up going out doing things just to feel something that I shouldn't and then even up feeling even worse. I write endless words, draw endless sketches and close my eyes reliving my past over and over and over and over. People reach out to me only for me to reject them or barely say a word because I sincerely believe no one should ever have contact with someone like me - someone who only brings bad. I often fantasize about returning to my old ways of drinking and doing drugs but I made a vow that I would never.. And even if that vow is meaningless to the other now its still there brainwashed into me. I can deal most of the time with how my life is..and what I mean by that is I cope with it because I know one day I'm going to take my life, I also know that It terrifies me.. but not quite as much as it scares me to continue breathing. But for now I am stuck, too scared to live yet too scared to die. And sometimes it's just too hard of a place to be in and those times are when I can't deal. I can't deal.