I think that I've been depressed for as long as I can remember. I've told myself time and again that it will get better when I achieve 'X' or 'Y', but I get there to find that it just isn't enough. Nothing works, and I'm so tired of trying. I can't pretend to be normal or happy anymore. Even just responding to a perfunctory "Hi, how are you?" greeting has become too much. I had friends, but I recently pushed them all away. Being with them started to make me feel even more lonely than being without them. They're so happy, so unlike me. Their lives mean something to them. I live alone, and so it was easy to cut myself off from the rest of the world. I still go to work, but I don't really have to interact with people there and I don't. I'm lonely but unable to reach out to or connect with anyone. Even my dog, whom I used to love very much, has become little more to me than an annoyance. It could've been a week ago that I began to breakdown. Maybe longer; I don't know. Days have been blurring together, and I can't keep track of time. I sleep all the time and don't want to get out of bed, and I hate it when I dream because it's robbing me of my oblivion. I cry whenever something triggers an emotion in me, any emotion at all. I want to die. Life has lost all meaning if it ever really had any at all. I spend my time looking at profiles and online journals of people that killed themselves. I'm not sure what I'm trying to find there. Reading most things that people posted in response to someone expressing suicidal feelings just makes me feel more isolated and alone because it's clear that they don't understand, but I think I got some comfort from reading the thoughts of those who went trough with it. Why I'm here, posting on this forum instead of dead, is because I still want to want to live. I want to try to see a psychiatrist, but I just can't bring myself to call and set up an appointment. I'll look at the phone, thinking I should call now, but my mind starts throwing thoughts and fears at me that shut me down. Thoughts like: he won't be able to help me, I won't be able to bare my soul to a stranger even if he is a doctor, he's going to judge me and laugh at my fears and depression or tell me it's nothing, he's going to just put me on meds and not really try to help me, and other such irrational thoughts. I think what scares me the most is that I don't know what to expect. I've never been to a psychiatrist, nor known anyone that has. For those of you that have been can you give me an idea of what it's like? How did your doctor react when you revealed that you were suicidal? Do the anti-depressants help much? How many times a week and for how long do you go for therapy? Thanks for taking the time to read this, and I appreciate any input you can give.