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Dinolaur

Human by day, Dino by night
#1
So this thread isn’t about me. Not at all. Its more about my brother. I’m extremely worried about him. He’s 25 and has dyspraxia, he’ll be 26 in a few weeks. However for the last year he has been on and off with this girl called Tara. At first we thought yes, he’s found someone he can relate to, who’s been through some heart breaks etc, unfortunately she has 2 kids so baby daddy is still involved heavily, my brother being the kind, caring person he is, took them on and loved having them as part of his life.
After a few months of dating she told my brother that her ex had beaten her etc and he believed her.
A few more months passes by and he starts to notice little things about her, that are kinda controlling, you know, like telling him he can’t go to his works Xmas do, but he goes anyway coz you know, he wants to go, so she dumps him on the spot, but this is like the 5th time in the space of a few months that she’s dumped him for stupid reasons.

anyway, he seems better off for a month, but they get back together and he moves in with her, where she tells him that it’s like looking after another child and calls him fat and lazy (even though she’s not much better herself) so they break up again. And again and again
Until the last time at the end of March where she told him to drop dead and never speak to her again.
Me and my mum think thank fuck he’s finally gonna not get back with her. Ever. Again.


However, About 30m ago I text him to ask about details of his birthday get together that his having just for the lads as Dan (my partner) has been invited. Only to be confronted with abit of sass, which is super unusual for my normally very chill brother. Anyway, so we carry on texting and I ask where he is as mum has told me that he’s staying at a friends, but I’d had suspicions at this point that he was actually at Taras. Turns out I was right, howeve we were texting and arguing over it, it doesn’t actually feel like I’m talking to my brother. I show dan the texts and say this doesn’t seem like my brother, he agrees, I screen shot the conversation and send it to my mum, who immediately says “thats not Rhys” I mean wtf! Who does that! My mum is now worried that sues physically hurt him. I mean he’s not a small guy and he’s not weak, but he’s an absolutely c*#%. I literally cannot stand her. She blocked me before she could even get to know me which tells me she’s scared of me, although I’m not exactly someone to be scared of, but if she hurts him I’m gonna hurt her *nono wtf do I do people?! Really worried now
 
#2
Sorry that this is going on. It's pretty common for abusive relationships to be off-again, on-again. He should probably be have a domestic abuse counselor.

I'm not sure how it works in the UK, but in the US, you could call the police and ask them to do a safety check.

She may not have hurt him, but just has control of his phone.

You could also try contacting a domestic violence or abuse resource. www.hotpeachpages.net has a world-wide directory of resources
 

Dinolaur

Human by day, Dino by night
#3
Sorry that this is going on. It's pretty common for abusive relationships to be off-again, on-again. He should probably be have a domestic abuse counselor.

I'm not sure how it works in the UK, but in the US, you could call the police and ask them to do a safety check.

She may not have hurt him, but just has control of his phone.

You could also try contacting a domestic violence or abuse resource. www.hotpeachpages.net has a world-wide directory of resources
Thanks @may71 im so worried as he’s fairly vulnerable due to his dyspraxia. I knew it wasn’t him the second he started arguing with me, not even that, but his gramma had changed, as he types differently
 

1964dodge

Has a frog in the family
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#4
i'm sorry that you have to go through that with your brother, can you invite him and only him for dinner. then you and your family can express your concerns over this relationship. bring up all the shit she pulled. it is his decision but you can make him see what she's doing. you can also be sure that he's safe...mike...*hug*console*shake
 

Dinolaur

Human by day, Dino by night
#7
i'm sorry that you have to go through that with your brother, can you invite him and only him for dinner. then you and your family can express your concerns over this relationship. bring up all the shit she pulled. it is his decision but you can make him see what she's doing. you can also be sure that he's safe...mike...*hug*console*shake
Thanks mike. He knows she’s no good for him. He agrees every single time they break up, he says he’ll never get back with her and blocks her number and deletes and blocks from social media, but she worms her way back in. She’s manipulative and disgusting. I cannot stand her. I don’t even know her. Never met her, but I actually hate her. I’ve never said I’ve hated anyone before because that’s not me. He won’t listen anyway, it’s like she’s got a spell on him like a witch
 

Dinolaur

Human by day, Dino by night
#11
ask him to phone you as it's an emergency for you (make something up if you have to), that way you can hear his voice so you know he's still in a position where he can answer the phone
I have no idea what I’d say. The fact he said he wouldn’t see the girls breaks my heart. I’m hurt by him saying that, if it was him
 

Lux

local yahoo
Safety & Support
SF Supporter
#13
I have no idea what I’d say. The fact he said he wouldn’t see the girls breaks my heart. I’m hurt by him saying that, if it was him
Maybe give it the evening and see how the vibe is in the morning, maybe just needs to cool off (if it was him), or if not, she can cool off and you can try again tomorrow
 

1964dodge

Has a frog in the family
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#14
Maybe, but I also don’t want to deal with the argument that I’ve now possibly caused. I don’t know what to do
if you want you can call him. and i know how you feel but see if your brother can come to dinner at your house or your moms and even offer her to comes a a guest. i doubt she will come but it give you something legitimate to call about without offending her..mike
 

Ash600

✮☆Meetup star ☆✮
SF Creative
SF Supporter
#16
Laur, the way you've described the changes in his behaviour and from what you have observed in the past could possibly, just possibly indicate some form of domestic abuse may be occuring here. Changes such as behaviour, demeanor, physical appearance, contact pattern can be such signs. There are warning signs of someone being controlled some being:

  • Seem afraid of or are anxious to please their partner
  • Go along with everything their partner says and does
  • Check in often with their partner to report where they are and what they’re doing
  • Are being belittled, humiliated, and humiliated – “he is a rubbish, weak men”
  • If a father’s children are persuaded by their mother to turn against him (Parental Alienation)
  • Threatened that if he leaves he will never see his children again
  • Threatened with false accusations that he is the perpetrator
  • Being convinced they are going ‘mad’ or losing their ‘mind’ (called “Gaslighting“)
  • Receive frequent, harassing phone calls from their partner
  • Talk about their partner’s temper, jealousy, or possessiveness
  • Have very low self-esteem, even if they used to be confident
  • Threatened that if he leaves, he will be falsely accused of carrying out domestic abuse, sexual violence and even sexual abuse against the children
  • Show major personality changes (an outgoing person becomes withdrawn)
  • Be depressed, anxious, or suicidal
  • Take up, or, increase drink or drugs usage
  • Not taking his appearance seriously (being unkempt, unhygienic)
  • Looking unwell (including lack of sleep/insomnia)
Additionally,

Warning signs of isolation: People who are being isolated by their abuser may:

  • Be restricted from seeing family and friends
  • Never or rarely goes out in public without their partner
  • Has no (or no longer has) access to social media
  • Not being able to go to or return from work on their own
  • Have limited access to money, credit cards, or the car
You may hear (in person or via the ‘grapevine’) from his partner that he now has no time for or dislikes his friends and family


Speaking up is obviously a must, as doing nothing in any situations such as these is not an option. First step would probably be to try to talk to him in private, let him know that you're concerned and outline the changes in him which are making you worried. Of it will go without saying of letting him know that you are there for him whenever he feels ready to talk, but don't try to pressure him.

This support group should hopefully be able to offer you suitable advice on what options are open for you to take

https://www.mankind.org.uk/
 

Dinolaur

Human by day, Dino by night
#17
Laur, the way you've described the changes in his behaviour and from what you have observed in the past could possibly, just possibly indicate some form of domestic abuse may be occuring here. Changes such as behaviour, demeanor, physical appearance, contact pattern can be such signs. There are warning signs of someone being controlled some being:

  • Seem afraid of or are anxious to please their partner
  • Go along with everything their partner says and does
  • Check in often with their partner to report where they are and what they’re doing
  • Are being belittled, humiliated, and humiliated – “he is a rubbish, weak men”
  • If a father’s children are persuaded by their mother to turn against him (Parental Alienation)
  • Threatened that if he leaves he will never see his children again
  • Threatened with false accusations that he is the perpetrator
  • Being convinced they are going ‘mad’ or losing their ‘mind’ (called “Gaslighting“)
  • Receive frequent, harassing phone calls from their partner
  • Talk about their partner’s temper, jealousy, or possessiveness
  • Have very low self-esteem, even if they used to be confident
  • Threatened that if he leaves, he will be falsely accused of carrying out domestic abuse, sexual violence and even sexual abuse against the children
  • Show major personality changes (an outgoing person becomes withdrawn)
  • Be depressed, anxious, or suicidal
  • Take up, or, increase drink or drugs usage
  • Not taking his appearance seriously (being unkempt, unhygienic)
  • Looking unwell (including lack of sleep/insomnia)
Additionally,

Warning signs of isolation: People who are being isolated by their abuser may:

  • Be restricted from seeing family and friends
  • Never or rarely goes out in public without their partner
  • Has no (or no longer has) access to social media
  • Not being able to go to or return from work on their own
  • Have limited access to money, credit cards, or the car
You may hear (in person or via the ‘grapevine’) from his partner that he now has no time for or dislikes his friends and family


Speaking up is obviously a must, as doing nothing in any situations such as these is not an option. First step would probably be to try to talk to him in private, let him know that you're concerned and outline the changes in him which are making you worried. Of it will go without saying of letting him know that you are there for him whenever he feels ready to talk, but don't try to pressure him.

This support group should hopefully be able to offer you suitable advice on what options are open for you to take

https://www.mankind.org.uk/
Thankyou for your advice Ash. I’ll definitely look into that mankind thing, see what they come up with. I don’t think she’s physically abusing him, but mentally absolutely. She’s a very manipulative girl and it worries me so much.
 

Dinolaur

Human by day, Dino by night
#18
Hey all
So since this incident happened, my brother has chosen to ignore me. Until today.

Myself and my mum went shopping on Thursday so I could find a new dress/top for a hen party next weekend, and then take my mum food shopping. Anyway so afterwards I went to their house for a cuppa and he came down stairs, he completely ignored me. My mum even said to him “Lauren’s here” his reply was snarky “yeah I know, I’ve got eyes” and then he stormed off.
late last night I got a text from him saying “happy now, we’ve broke up” I replied but didn’t get anything back from him until this afternoon when he told me that me and the girls are his world and that he was probably only with her coz he was lonely. Thankfully the stupid bitch has blocked him on everything, but it’ll only be a matter of time before she unblocks him and begs him to go back with her so her narcissistic self has someone to control. I hope he has sense this time, Thankyou to everyone who gave me advice
 

Dinolaur

Human by day, Dino by night
#20
I've watched similar happen with people I know, its infuriating to witness but we cant really talk sense into them, I guess they have to learn for themselves. I hope your brother stays away from her ♥
It’s so frustrating. She’s the worst of the worst. I’ve not even met her, so that tells me in itself that she’s not that important to him, he always brings the girl home to meet my parents and me, but yeah, this time nothing. I just hope he stays away this time too
 

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