I don't know what to do anymore. Everything's too much. I don't know whether I should hope, whether I should try, I just don't know... When I'm alone then there's a tiny bit of hope. I think about going to the pharmacy to get some anti-nausea pills and get started with my antidepressants. When the others are home I feel like I'm mentally being beaten up every second. And then I only think about ending this. I can't take it any longer. I've thought about checking myself into a mental hospital, my doc already suggested it before. But there's so much I can't stand about that place. I know I couldn't stand sharing a room, I can't do the group therapy thing. I can't have many different doctors all prying on my life. I guess it's a comfort thing cause right now the only thing keeping me here is whatever comfort I can take. But on the other hand... I don't know, the thought of hospital makes me believe in recovery, even if it's just the tiniest bit. There's help right on hand, I wouldn't have to wait weeks until an appointment comes along. Staying and trying to deal with this at home has the upside of comfort. But all the other factors are the cons. There's a great chance I won't stick to the regimen of taking the pills. And then there's the situation at home that makes me cry until I can't breathe, until I grab the pills or a knife... I guess the easiest way is the way out. It takes away the pain and it makes all the problems go away. Even if I get better I still have to return to all of this crap. And I can't. I can make myself better, but I can't change other people that have killed me inside. I can't and I don't want to look at the loser I've become. I just can't. It's all too much and I don't know what to do and I'm too alone and scared to evern try. Even if I get better I know I'll be back at this point in a few years. Last time I really tried and then it just fell apart again and I can't do it anymore. That's what I keep ruminating about every single day. And I've gotten nowhere. I want to be fine, I want to be happy for once in my life, but whatever I'd decide I'd still end up in pain, with depression or without it. But I can't even decide. I can't even choose to end it. I guess I'll have to wait it out. Because on one of these nights I will let go.