story of my situation, felt like posting it. I'm stuck. I'm confused and lost. I have gone through worsening stages of rises and falls since I was fourteen. I built my identity around my failures. I overate and underate. I suffered from deppression. The relationship with my dad got worse until I had lost all hope for any success and I ran away to LA with no connections and no money. I stole food, begged for food, and lived on the streets. Eventually got into injecting speed. Then caught by the police and sent back home. My identity was fucked up and I got extremely deppressed. I compulsivly overate and did nothing. I got insomnia and seperated from the world. Then i got into otc drugs and eventually ended up in the ER because my sister found me on triple-C. I changed my ways and started going to phsychiatrist and a therapist. Pulled my dream of the marines back from the ashes and went back to school. I didn't crash for two months. But I began to feel empty. I had defined myself around failure, I didn't know what to do with success. I never cared about friends or relationships before. Started to go to a dance club and doing x. Not alot, I was still doing good. But the empty, meaningless felling got worse. I started drinking and snorting various perscription pills. Then I was perscribed adderral. I let go. I knew I should have stopped taking it. But instead I started snorting it. I got phsychosis. Lost my sense of reality. I started to eat little and sleep little. I stopped talking to people and began hearing and seeing things. I knew I had to do something before I went completely insane. But I was addicted and had no one to reach out to for help. I decided to snort alot and try to use it up fast so I would run out. But in my confusion I forgot that it is possible to overdose on amphetamines. I snorted 360 mg of adderall in 3 hours. I thought I was going to die. My heart hasn't been the same since. The phsychosis still hasn't worn off. I ended up going to the hospital a few days later. I couldn't think right for a while. I couldn't focus on anything. My head began to clear but I had no control. I stopped studying and went between being healthy and snorting various drugs even though I knew that they were terrible for me and didn't make me happy. I was alone. Then the thoughts of suicide began to float into my head. I've thought of suicide before but this was diferent. I began to prepare and I knew that I could do it. But I didn't want to, I fear the blackness but at the same time I hate being alone, a failure, deserving nothing, and not being able to do anything about it. So one night I took 20 lunesta to get me to calm down because I had set up a noose. But lunesta makes you loopy. I had been curious what caffine and lunesta would do. And being in my stupor I crushed up 60 mg of wellbutrin too. I couldn't fall to sleep. And I was out of my mind. I texted my friend and told him I was ditching again. He told me not too and asked some other guys for advice. I ditched anyway. But part of it was the drugs. I didn't really want to leave the house. I was just mentally in a depressed chaos. I didn't have much of a touch with reality and I was very close to leaving to LA again where I would have gone down some very dark roads. I didn't want to. But my heart hurt so much, literally I still haden't recovered from the overdose and I felt like I was going to die all the time. I reached out to a few people I wanted to create a bond with but they didn't respond. I had started smoking as well. When I got back I decided to go straight and I did for a while. But then the mental chaos began to come back. At first it was just intense depression (I had stopped all my meds at this point). But then it got worse, the thoughts of suicide were coming back. I didn't have anyone to reach out to anymore, I had stopped meating with my therapist and phsychiatrist, I had turned my back on my friends enough that we weren't really friends anymore. I decided to turn back to drugs. I went to the club again. I did cocain and one tab. I smoked alot too. I felt terrible after it wore off. I kept smoking. I just went minute to minute. Not expecting anything, not thinking, not hoping. I heard that my drug problems had gotten out at my school. I had to deal with everybody knowing I had run away and now everyone knew I had serious drug problems. Worse it meant that I would be kicked out of school and have to redo the entire junoir year at a public school (dont get me wrong I want to go to public school but I would like to graduate next year). Eventually I decided to prepare for my last hit of drugs. One crazy night at the club then I'll try to get everything straight. So I pulled myself together and prepared for that one saturday. It was crazy, I for the first time in my life felt like I could really talk to people. I was able to make new friends and pick up some terrible shell of a social life. That was last night. But the problem is I know that it was a failure. But I am stuck. I have lost my identity. I have been so many places meantally and physically that I don't really know who I am anymore. What do I like? Who do I want to be? What are my beliefs? For every argument I create the counter argument. I am completely indecisive. I'm just going moment to moment occasionally holding to to some sense of purpose. I feel alone. All my friends are gone. A few weak friendships don't get me close to finding my place. And now all I want is to find that peace again. I haven't explained everything. If I find some way to find meaning in a non-drug life I may be able to stop for a while. And keep going on one path. But at what cost. I know that I will begin to cut myself again if I go straight. And I know that eventually the heavy deppression will kick in. I will curl into the the fetal position and not move for hours every night. Feeling terrible but not having anything to do about it. I've met with a phsychiatrist and a therapist and I know that im not going to change easily. Somehow I've hardwired my head to be narcisistic or something. I have everything in front of me, a loving family, money, food, and a good education but I squandor everything. I know what I'm going to do just keep moving on like I always have. Just do what I do. But that doesn't make this trainreck of growing up years any more fun. My plan is at the moment is to see if I can go straight and fix myself up some. But I know it wont last, I've played this game a million times.