stuck

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by hardcore, Jun 7, 2009.

?

What do you think about the journal?

  1. good, keep posting

    5 vote(s)
    62.5%
  2. bad, stop posting it

    0 vote(s)
    0.0%
  3. you should make it a personal journal

    2 vote(s)
    25.0%
  4. I just opened this because it had a poll

    1 vote(s)
    12.5%
  5. I don't like reading long posts

    0 vote(s)
    0.0%
  6. This is a stupid poll question, take it off

    0 vote(s)
    0.0%
Multiple votes are allowed.
  1. hardcore

    hardcore Well-Known Member

    story of my situation, felt like posting it.

    I'm stuck. I'm confused and lost. I have gone through worsening stages of rises and falls since I was fourteen. I built my identity around my failures. I overate and underate. I suffered from deppression. The relationship with my dad got worse until I had lost all hope for any success and I ran away to LA with no connections and no money. I stole food, begged for food, and lived on the streets. Eventually got into injecting speed. Then caught by the police and sent back home. My identity was fucked up and I got extremely deppressed. I compulsivly overate and did nothing. I got insomnia and seperated from the world. Then i got into otc drugs and eventually ended up in the ER because my sister found me on triple-C. I changed my ways and started going to phsychiatrist and a therapist. Pulled my dream of the marines back from the ashes and went back to school. I didn't crash for two months. But I began to feel empty. I had defined myself around failure, I didn't know what to do with success. I never cared about friends or relationships before. Started to go to a dance club and doing x. Not alot, I was still doing good. But the empty, meaningless felling got worse. I started drinking and snorting various perscription pills. Then I was perscribed adderral. I let go. I knew I should have stopped taking it. But instead I started snorting it. I got phsychosis. Lost my sense of reality. I started to eat little and sleep little. I stopped talking to people and began hearing and seeing things. I knew I had to do something before I went completely insane. But I was addicted and had no one to reach out to for help. I decided to snort alot and try to use it up fast so I would run out. But in my confusion I forgot that it is possible to overdose on amphetamines. I snorted 360 mg of adderall in 3 hours. I thought I was going to die. My heart hasn't been the same since. The phsychosis still hasn't worn off. I ended up going to the hospital a few days later. I couldn't think right for a while. I couldn't focus on anything. My head began to clear but I had no control. I stopped studying and went between being healthy and snorting various drugs even though I knew that they were terrible for me and didn't make me happy. I was alone. Then the thoughts of suicide began to float into my head. I've thought of suicide before but this was diferent. I began to prepare and I knew that I could do it. But I didn't want to, I fear the blackness but at the same time I hate being alone, a failure, deserving nothing, and not being able to do anything about it. So one night I took 20 lunesta to get me to calm down because I had set up a noose. But lunesta makes you loopy. I had been curious what caffine and lunesta would do. And being in my stupor I crushed up 60 mg of wellbutrin too. I couldn't fall to sleep. And I was out of my mind. I texted my friend and told him I was ditching again. He told me not too and asked some other guys for advice. I ditched anyway. But part of it was the drugs. I didn't really want to leave the house. I was just mentally in a depressed chaos. I didn't have much of a touch with reality and I was very close to leaving to LA again where I would have gone down some very dark roads. I didn't want to. But my heart hurt so much, literally I still haden't recovered from the overdose and I felt like I was going to die all the time. I reached out to a few people I wanted to create a bond with but they didn't respond. I had started smoking as well. When I got back I decided to go straight and I did for a while. But then the mental chaos began to come back. At first it was just intense depression (I had stopped all my meds at this point). But then it got worse, the thoughts of suicide were coming back. I didn't have anyone to reach out to anymore, I had stopped meating with my therapist and phsychiatrist, I had turned my back on my friends enough that we weren't really friends anymore. I decided to turn back to drugs. I went to the club again. I did cocain and one tab. I smoked alot too. I felt terrible after it wore off. I kept smoking. I just went minute to minute. Not expecting anything, not thinking, not hoping. I heard that my drug problems had gotten out at my school. I had to deal with everybody knowing I had run away and now everyone knew I had serious drug problems. Worse it meant that I would be kicked out of school and have to redo the entire junoir year at a public school (dont get me wrong I want to go to public school but I would like to graduate next year). Eventually I decided to prepare for my last hit of drugs. One crazy night at the club then I'll try to get everything straight. So I pulled myself together and prepared for that one saturday. It was crazy, I for the first time in my life felt like I could really talk to people. I was able to make new friends and pick up some terrible shell of a social life. That was last night. But the problem is I know that it was a failure. But I am stuck. I have lost my identity. I have been so many places meantally and physically that I don't really know who I am anymore. What do I like? Who do I want to be? What are my beliefs? For every argument I create the counter argument. I am completely indecisive. I'm just going moment to moment occasionally holding to to some sense of purpose. I feel alone. All my friends are gone. A few weak friendships don't get me close to finding my place. And now all I want is to find that peace again. I haven't explained everything. If I find some way to find meaning in a non-drug life I may be able to stop for a while. And keep going on one path. But at what cost. I know that I will begin to cut myself again if I go straight. And I know that eventually the heavy deppression will kick in. I will curl into the the fetal position and not move for hours every night. Feeling terrible but not having anything to do about it. I've met with a phsychiatrist and a therapist and I know that im not going to change easily. Somehow I've hardwired my head to be narcisistic or something. I have everything in front of me, a loving family, money, food, and a good education but I squandor everything. I know what I'm going to do just keep moving on like I always have. Just do what I do. But that doesn't make this trainreck of growing up years any more fun. My plan is at the moment is to see if I can go straight and fix myself up some. But I know it wont last, I've played this game a million times.
     
  2. perfectempire

    perfectempire Active Member

    You are smart, I can tell by your elaborate post. I know how you feel, "been so many places meantally and physically that I don't really know who I am anymore. What do I like? Who do I want to be? What are my beliefs?"

    I've been there too. And it took years to climb out of. The trick is manipulating what you are exposed to. Start reading all kinds of random non-fiction books and hobby magazines. Start watching documentaries about other cultures and places. I completely cut myself off from popular media (prime time television that is not educational, MTV, VH1, conventional magazines, conventional movies) and allowed myself to become swallowed up by the silence and emptiness. After 6 months of laying face up on my bed for days at a time, and lots of reading, I was ready to emerge a new person thanks to all I'd learned. I had no friends to go to, no bad habits to fall back on. But I had knowledge. My mind was full of things to think about from Eastern religion to the life cycle of penguins. Suddenly I was able to converse with and surround myself by more educated, clean people who were fascinated by the story of my life struggles.

    You mention "Feeling terrible but not having anything to do about it." Remember, habits don't just disappear, they have to be replaced by new ones. When I feel bad, I come here and rant (and read other people's rantings). If I don't have internet access, I practice sensory deprivation (no lights, white noise or no noise) and sleep. If I can't sleep, I write. Writing will help you process what you're feeling into some conclusion about where it hurts so that you can identify what it is you need to feel fulfilled.

    Sorry this was so long. I only want to help.
     
  3. hardcore

    hardcore Well-Known Member

    Thx for the post. I love long replies. I appreciate your advice. I have always liked learning about things I like. I am going to keep this in mind. I fear not having connections in the future because I can't relate to people but there are things that I love to talk about: Movies, parkour, martial arts, and certain books. If I could learn to enjoy learning then I would have a new way to build meaning. However I have already set my mind on a path even if it is not the best idea. I will continue to pursue my interests and maybe even try to research stuff that I wouldn't have usually. A lot of people tell me I’m smart but I’m still getting kicked out of school.


    I’m going to make this an interactive journal type thing so I'll post here from time to time. Please post long replies if you wish. I love reading, thinking, and writing about his.

    WARNING: this is very long and mostly just stream of thought so I am not necessarily talking about extremely important things. I like to think they are important at some level though.

    Things are very weird at the moment. I think that people take their sanity for granted. Identity, reality, morality, and other illusions are necessary for us to live our lives. I don't have an identity and at times my reality is very weird. I am pursuing three things that make me feel that I have some identity and security. I am eating very little, I am sleeping very little, and I have begun to cut myself. I know this is not healthy but I also know that it somehow helps give me purpose. I feel better knowing that I am becoming this messed up person. It is hard to say why. I want to be messed up. I have the same feeling about this as I did when I took the adderral. The excitement of the unknown. How much weight can I lose? How much sleep can I go without? How deep can I cut my skin? This is disturbing but at the same time I think that I will not be as damaged by these new attractions. But maybe I will. I don't know why I am so addicted to doing this to myself. I am not going to stop today or tomorrow. Different topic now. So there are some feelings that I have had that I want to mention. First is reality distortion, I feel that most people cannot understand how terrible this is. Today I got a feeling I have had before. A feeling that is terrifying. I look around and I feel that all things are vile, and evil. That even the most innocent of things are covered in blood. That behind ever person crouches the beast of their true person. We are walking thru rotting bodies and living in a world made for torture. Everything that we think is good is just an illusion and if we ever could see the truth we would scream in terror. That is very scary, I don't know why I get that feeling, I just look around and everything looks so false. I think it comes from my guilt. I believe that I am a bad person. I believe this because I live such a luxurious life that hurts so many people. I buy drugs that support drug cartels. I waste money that could save dying people around the world. How could I call myself good? After that I began to get the emptiness again. This is bad because the last time I got the emptiness I felt like killing myself a few days later. It is when I feel meaningless no matter what I do. Like nothing matters and I am all alone. It goes hand in hand with my failure to talk to other people. I feel very insecure about my communications. If I reach out then the next day I curse myself because I see how much of a loser those people must see me as now. I always worry about how people interpret me. Just earlier today I was wishing I had said less on this forum because I thought that people would laugh at me for it. Tomorrow I may regret posting this. This makes me want to stop talking to people because I create all sorts of terrible thoughts that they have about me. Feeling alone is one thing but feeling like a loser is worse because I realize that people don't want to know me and that reaching out just annoys them. But then I know why that realization is dumb, because people do care. But at the same time I know that many don't care that much. I don't know if anyone follows this. I play this game all the time. Life is good no life is terrible. You are smart no you are dumb. You are interesting no you are a loser. It is why I am so indecisive, because I can't make up my mind. I end up making choices for other reasons. I am not cutting myself not because I think it makes sense but rather because I must make that choice (I just have to, I just know I will). I don't think I really control myself anymore. I think that I have no control. I am just a passenger in the rollercoaster. Did you know that only half of your thoughts are conscious? Which means who you are consciously is only half of who you are in reality? Then add in experience, genes, and surroundings and what control do you really have. I think none. But I don't really think any because there probably is the ability to change your mind but I am just too cynical. Am I really cynical? Ok change of topic. I talked to somebody today about my problems. This girl I met at a club texted me and I told her some of what was going on. It made me feel better and more hopeful. Part of it was that she I have met her and I know she has a life but she stilled cared about me enough to listen. I really appreciated that. No offence guy but a forum isn’t exactly the same. But this place is still awesome. Let’s see what did I leave out? Right, I fear becoming happy. Why? Because if I get happy then I won’t have the negative energy to drive me to anorexia, self harm, and insomnia. Then I would go back to being unable to find purpose and identity. I would overeat again and pathetically be a loser instead of interestingly a loser. I know that this is not logical but I never claimed to be logical. I want to have scars, I want to wake up and feel weird because I have only had 10 hours of sleep in the past 4 days. I can’t create that identity if I lose my motivation. Who would I become when I am happy, I can only see myself going back to who I used to be. I've already been there done that and even if I know that it isn't that bad I would rather go into the unknown. I like experiences. I want to cut off my finger and run away to a foreign country. I want to experience hard time. I actually plan on getting rid of a finger by next year. I have lost some of my sanity. But I don't really want it all back. I want an identity and reality sure, but I don't want to be normal. Normal is boring. I don't want to be like I used to be because I have already done that. Ok one last thing I want to mention. I intend on finishing this short story and posting it on this forum. It is about a police officer who has forgotten an important memory in his past and ends up doing something he never expected. I think it is good but not written well. I also think it is a little cheesy at times. I am a little over half way done and have spent at least 20 hours on it. I will try to finish it eventually. Life is a little bit interesting. I might have done this all on purpose just because somewhere I knew this is what I have really wanted all along.
     
  4. hardcore

    hardcore Well-Known Member

    Godamn Ecstacy. So I took 9 tabs and 2 hits of acid the other day at this rave club and had one of the best night of my life. I met so many people. Let my feeling out. And found friends who have gone thu similiar things. But after a night like that all you can think about is going out again because it feels so good to be on x and so good to be social (and physical) that it is more than just a drug. It is a mental addiction. But I am getting withdrawls every night. It pisses me off. Most of the day I dont want x because I have learned to enjoy my pain. But every once and a while I'll think of the club, the music, the amazing girls, the cool guys, and of course the x and I'll get a withdrawl. If you have never had withdrawls you wont understand what it feels like. It is a complete mind take over. All of a sudden I want it so bad that I dont care about anything else. It is not a terrible withdrawl. When I had speed withdrawls I had to curl up on the ground and shake for like 20 minutes before I could do anything again. That was terrible this is just extremely annoying. because even if I did go back I would have to wait until the weekend. But mainly because I need to avoid ecstacy. I know that I have been taking speed based tabs and I think that is the main reason I am getting these withdrawls ever night. When I take tabs I think my phsychosis gets worse and I need to get better not worse. Finally I dont want to want to be happy again. I like enjoying pain. It makes life enjoyable again. I do want to go to afterlife and give some chicks some tabs and party. Because if I do that I can still embrace my pain and see if I can find friends. There is this one girl at the club who is amazing and I want to get to know her. I talked to her for a while the last time I was there. She is too cool, her name is pipsqueek. I just want to talk to her. But I don't really know how. She is the kindof girl that does what she wants to do and unless your interesting she probably will just say hi and walk away. But I thought that if I bought her tabs she might like me more. But even if she doesn't want to talk to me there are alot of other cool girls there. Alot of cool guys too. Only im about to run out of money so I should conserve. If I don't take tabs I will conserve so much money cause these days I want at least 8 tabs for a good weekend. That is like 140 dollars cause I got to get a ride, and tabs for other people, and entrance, and gum, and what not. But if I don't roll that is like 100 dolars saved. But I wont be as cool or social at the party but I also will still be able to enjoy pain so its a trade off. 1:15 AM. If I don't sleep at all tonight I am going to be messed up tomarrow :). I get dizzy these days. And my heart rate is really slow sometimes it was 60 beats per minute earlier today. I don't know what that means. Usually it has been really fast ever since I overdosed on adderral. Anyway the withdrawl is gone now which is nice. I'll probably get another one tomarrow. I also just had a nice conversation with one of my past school friends. It didn't seem like he knew all my drug problems even tho I thought he had. He may just be ignoring them. I didnt talk about serious things but it was nice anyway. Today is turning out to be a good day. I only ate three peices of pizza and 3 crackers. I am not tired and it is 1:19 and I cut much better than I usually do today. I takled my arm and chest for the first time. So far I have only been cutting my leg. I bleed more than I do usually. I'm getting better at it. Really I have been only scratching. They only drip blood for a short while. But yesterday I only got one long trickle. Today I got alot more. It is weird I am getting better at cutting but when I think about it im like 'omg cutting is so brutal' but wait i cut earlier today. Like I don't really grasp the idea of what I am doing. I weighed myself at 139 lbs. I haven't weighed under 140 for a very very long time. When I first got back from LA and started overeating my weight reached 165lbs, that was 5 months ago. I dont want to go to far tho. Cuz if I keep this up for too long I might collapse. If I lie down for too long I get really tired and sometimes I get dizzy and light headed. Yesterday I got into a hot tub for ten minutes and ran into a door. It was fucking hilarious but how much longer before I collapse at work and what if they take off my shirt. That would be bad. But maybe I kind of want people to see my cuts. Kindof, i've already dealt with people knowing so much it wouldn't be that hard to deal with. I wondor if anybody is reading all of this.
     
  5. hardcore

    hardcore Well-Known Member

    Holy crap. It is now 3:10 AM. I am messed up. Its like a drug. I just haven't slept for a while what the hell. I can usually make myself hear really really weak soft but obviously not real voices. Now I can hear these clearer voices. I am begining to halucinate and become a little paranoied. I don't want to leave the computer. I keep think these monsters are going to kill me. I like horror movies but god damn why do I have to think of them now. Hearing things and seeing things oh shit this is disturbing. I have just been eating coffee beans. Lets see. Last night I got about 4 and a half hours of sleep. The night before that I got about four hours. The night before that I didn't sleep. That isn't that bad is it. Well I have also been cutting (more like scratching) myself and not eating. Does that mess you up phsychologically? I keep thinking of the machanist, could not sleeping really cause that. It is weird like time doesn't really run quite the same. I wouldn't be able to sleep if I tried im so freaked out right now I would probably freak out. It isn't quite like phsychosis, in phsychosis I can control what I see and hear. But now I have less control. Ok im not that messed up, but I think that I will be if I don't stop. No way I am too curious to stop. I wasn't even sure if I would really even to pull this off.
     
  6. hardcore

    hardcore Well-Known Member

    I just pigged out. I feel like shit. Im gonna get some sleep tonight. I am getting some bad withdrawls. If I had any decent drug right now I would take it.
     
  7. hardcore

    hardcore Well-Known Member

    I did some painkillers last night that I found in my house. They are for my dog. It was great and healthy compared to otc or inhalents so im happy with my choice. I am picking not eating up again and know that I have a problem. I dont think my starving is going to be a huge problem because I obviously have trouble not eating sometimes. I don't want to eat for a while now but i also took a drug yesterday so it is hard to know exactly what I am feeling. My insomnia is going to be minor because I doubt that I will start sleeping as much as normal but I doubt that I will go more than 2 days without sleep. The cutting is still up in the air. I can cut much deeper now and it is easier for me. I like cutting alot. The cuts still arn't very deep but sometimes I split the skin a little (not just scratching anymore). I could see cutting becoming a bigger deal but I could also see it becoming just something else I have tried. Great now I want to cut again. I am fairly happy atm. I have been talking to a cool girl who has gone thru alot. Uggh I feel so fat, I hate saying that cause it sounds dumb to me but it is true. I want to purge but ill fight the urge because it was my choice to eat last night. I'll just have to wait until im starving again, sigh...

    I am going to start excersising some again. I used to freerun alot (I have a video on youtube, PM me if you want to see it). I feel like freerunning and excersising, not really to get in shape but it sounds fun. I also really want to box right now. Ok I just told one of my amigos I want to fight soon. Lol im so out of shape and have cuts all over me, im going to suck so much.

    I decided that I want to graduate high school asap so if I can I want to go into the school I have been in. And if that means rehab so be it. I actaully kindof want to go because I have never been into rehab and want to see what it is like even if I end up hating it. I love new experiences. I feel odly normal right now. Really, I feel like I am almost normal. I dont expect it to last but maybe with time I wont be a lunatic. I kinda enjoy being a lunatic, but I want to be normal enough to have relationship with non crazy people. I want to start reading again. Notes from Underground is my favorite book and I enjoy reading so I kinda want to read it again.

    This was a laid back post. Kinda nice. I feel like a human being.
     
  8. hardcore

    hardcore Well-Known Member

    Rant on the human mental condition
    *warning may trigger*

    So I am atheist by nature. I think I’m a bunch of cells and that is all I will ever be. And something has been bothering me. I am not suicidal at the moment and if someone told me they were going to kill themselves I would want to stop them. But how can I relate to them when I don't know what is happening in their head. Telling someone that it is going to get better is a lie. No one knows that. No one knows if AD's can help. Our mental condition is created by chemicals in our mind. If our minds make it impossible for life to be anything other than complete hell than there is nothing we can do. I know that I have no power over my mind. If in the next hour I became completely suicidal I would be dead by the days end. It doesn't matter what you told me because consciously I can't change what the destiny of science holds for me. I’m doing ok right now but that doesn't help people who are suffering right now. Some people die naturally having to live a life of depression. There is nothing we could have done for them. We have no control of our weaknesses. I remember when I was in LA having run away. There was a guy I met there named white bread. He was a homeless meth head. He was 27 and had spent most his life in jail. He was the kind of person that good people hate. He was a brawler. If some guys came around and white bread didn't like the way they looked he would walk up to one of them and punch him in the face. He loved to do that. He had stories how he would just go up to some guys and fight until they were unconscious on the ground. He would take their money and leave them there. He would steal what he could. Now you should now that white bread had no hope of getting a job. Very few places hire felons who look homeless and white bread looked homeless. But more than that meth had messed up his mind. He walked weird, talked weird, and it was obvious that he was a guy to stay away from. So he would always be on the streets. Like most people in his position he had mental problems. He may have been depresses, it was hard to tell. Most drug addicts have mental problems. No one, and I mean no one, cared about white bread. I looked up to him. He was a bad person, the kind of guy I once would have thought should be in prison. But in the streets of LA I became his brother. I wanted to be like him, I wanted to beat the shit out of people I had never met. White bread gave me one piece of advice 'think about ya future dog, you don wanna to end up like me, I neva wanted to fucken end up this way'. I told him I wanted to be a fireman. That was my plan at the time even though secretly I wanted to be like white bread. The day white bread left the place we were staying I stayed the night because I wanted to wash my clothes. If I had left with him I don't know where I would be. I left the next day and went to look for him on the streets of LA. I walked around for a while whishing I had some meth to shoot up. I new a place I could beg for food. I hated begging for food though because I have to let go of my ego. I have to walk up to some family and ask if I can have their leftovers. It always takes them a moment to realize what I'm doing. They give me the food with an caring look on their eyes. But they will forget me soon because they don't really know what it is like to be homeless and have to beg for food. Anyway I had decided that I didn't want to beg anymore so I was walking into stores and jacking food. I had been doing this for about a day. I was worried I would never find white bread. Well I got caught and sent to juvy. I never saw white bread again. But I will never forget that I could've become him. We believe we have identities but we could be anybody. I could be a killer, I could be a rapist. What do I tell someone suffering. I don't know what it is like because I can't be them. Maybe the depression I have gone through is similar maybe it's nothing like what they are going through. I have hope for certain things but maybe hope is a lie for them that doesn't help. I guess I can say that I care. But do I care? How long before I get them? How long until I can't remember their name? A girl killed herself at my school when I was in 6th grade. I heard the gunshot. At the time I didn't really think about it because I couldn't relate. I had problems but they were not that bad and I had no idea that it had to do with depression. I don’t know life is hard and meaningless. I figure that in the end the great human is trying to find meaning in that which is meaningless: life. I hate how dumb people are. We think we are smart but we aren’t. Everything is an illusion. Emotion, meaning, and morality don’t exist. It is just chemicals. We have such weak minds. Think about this think about that but that is it. We can’t even comprehend what is going on. That’s my belief but I have no fucking idea. I just always feel that I’m just along for the ride and only getting a glimpse out the window.

    On another topic I feel like a poser. I mentioned the word anorexia and insomnia but I feel that I’m just insulting the people who really have to deal with it. I don’t really know what I’m doing but I’m not anorexic because I eat and I don’t have a bad case of insomnia I just sleep a little less than other people. I don’t know but I do feel like a pathetic poser. I get that feeling a lot. But I guess feelings are just chemicals. Then again if I am just cells then does it matter if my feelings don’t have any real meaning because nothing has any real meaning?
     
  9. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I voted 'good,keep posting'.

    Keep venting if it helps :hug: :)
     
  10. hardcore

    hardcore Well-Known Member

    What is it I want to write about? nothing. Absolutely nothing. So I’m not alone anymore and that makes me happy. My old friends are gone and that makes me happy. I don’t want to talk to them anymore. My new friends understand me. I don’t have to hide. I still have doubts all the time because that is what I do. But I feel less empty. I was kicked out of my last school. I’m glad I don’t ever want to see that rich private school life again. But I’m still stuck. I ate a crap ton today, I cut a lot today. I want the blood to flow. I need to sleep and stop smoking. Smoking fucks me up, I don’t know why. I’m not joking weed doesn't mess me up as much as smoking does. I like it and hate it. It makes me get dizzy and feel all lazy. But it makes me give up and accept everything. I wish I had been anorexic today. I will be tomorrow. You can feel these things. I know my overeating mood and my anorexic mood. And I won’t eat tomorrow. I have to finish my computer work quickly and fall asleep and then drink a crap load of coffee. Coffee is magical. I want to be with my friends again. I want to be skinny instead of fat (I’m not really fat but I think I am). Really I’m fat. Haha I’m so stupid. I want the blood to flow; I want the blood to fill every corner of my life. I want to be scared beyond repair. I am going day to day. I’m still psycho. I have plans. I just want to be skinny and cut. I mean I have more plans than that but I am having trouble moving. I need to sleep not eat and drink coffee. I wish I had more fucking privacy. Shit I don’t have heart behind this entry. I will do the things I need to do. I may be a beast but don’t I have the right to live? Sure I’m a fuck up who isn’t going to make things right. Sure I’m no superman. But this is my life, I don’t need morals. I have believe in natural anarchy. I will find my path even if it is the path of a loser. Who ever said that life was meant to be pretty. On the contrary I think we all love ugly things. I think simple and ugly is beautiful. Live and die. Wake up and fall asleep. We are just the passenger in the car of our life. Lets do this shit. This is my chance to take off and fly. I feel it coming. I await in excitement. I love cutting and not eating.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 16, 2009
  11. hardcore

    hardcore Well-Known Member

    I should also note that I feel dumb. Not right now but I will later. I feel like a loser and I feel like a poser. I feel like someone who should go in a corner and die because Im not worth looking at. My new freinds accept me for who I am and that makes me accept myself. But sometimes I have doubts. I wish I could destroy the doubts. I wish I could stop thinking things that make me sad and afraid.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 16, 2009
  12. hardcore

    hardcore Well-Known Member

    I am so tired. I think it is because of the cutting. my throat hurts and my eyes hurt. Im tired all the time. Everything looks kinda weird. I Get this weird feeling that is hard to describe when I move. It is like my body is laggin just a little bit and I can feel the movemtn of blood or something. I think I need to stop cutting this much. I cut more yesterday than I ever had. Im so tired, my throat hurts so much.
     
  13. hardcore

    hardcore Well-Known Member

    Fuck fuck fuck. im no one. I have no identity. Im having a huge amount of trouble writing this because after I write something I for some reason don't think it is something I really want to say. Reality, what the fuck is reality. For all I know ill wake up in a hospital in 20 minutes to find out that I was in coma for a year. I feel anxious, like something is about to happen. Im sick both literally (some viral throat thing) and mentally. I want to cut off a finger but then I would have to stop going to work. So I will have to wait until work ends. I haven't cried since I got psychosis. I can't cry, is it because I cant really feel anything? Is it because when I look inside myself all I feel is confusion? I don't know who I am or what im supposed to be doing. I need to stop eating again because that gives me identity, it gives me something to focus on. Paranoia is bad. Paranoia is bad. I don't know if anything I am talking about is actually true. Am I making myself believe all this just because I want to be psycho. I believe it. I don’t know what is really going on in my head. I feel so weird all the time how am I supposed to discern information from it. Human thought is so weak, I just keep on going. I know that my conscious is just a shriveled pathetic piece of flesh. But I just keep going because that is what im programmed to do. I usually ignore my weak conscious. I can control myself so little, I have so little vision of reality. Fucking paranoia why doesn't everybody disappear and leave me alone. I want to be alone. I dont really want to post this, I really really dont want to post this. I will because... I don't know why.
     
  14. hardcore

    hardcore Well-Known Member

    I will have to live with this. I will have to learn how to go day to day not knowing who I am or what I believe. If people look down on me for being so weird I understand. Some people may think im pathetic, some people may not want to be around me. Man is shallow and I accept that.

    It is scary to think of who I am. I can't remember yesterday. I think I fear how meaningless my life is. I could die tomarrow and what would it matter? I want meaning.

    Natural anarchy is my philosophy. I'll just keep on going, the way I always have.
     
  15. hardcore

    hardcore Well-Known Member

    Im gonna make this a personal journal because some people think I should and im getting quite a bit of social anxiety doing this. Last post