Stuck...

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by tavsan, Dec 1, 2010.

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  1. tavsan

    tavsan New Member

    I'm struggling to live from one day to the next, been suicidal since I was 12, so almost 20 years, but come to find out when I was 26 that I'm bipolar (couple suicide attempts). Been hospitalized multiple times, on just about every major medicine known for this illness, and for whatever reason all the medications and combinations thereof do not help me or stop me from feeling so much pain and agony over the fact that every day I wake up I just want it all to go away, life that is. I didn't ask for this existence...I feel like my family and friends don't believe me when I tell them I am destined to end my life by my own hands. I have multiple "end all" plans if any should fail, but it's like I'm not an "imminent" threat to myself...the thoughts are ever present, but I lack the impulse right now being on a rather rough combination of meds. I am going to be losing my medical coverage soon, along with half of my income. I have no clue how I will afford my doctors and the medications. I feel like such a failure...a hopeless case for everyone that knows me. I'm desperate for friends as I live out in the country with my mom and stepdad, and often feel isolated. I could go drive around but that's an expensive hobby I cannot afford. My finances are probably the biggest trigger to my mood instability and thought processes. I basically can't fund my own survival, and I've been eating away at myself for so many years now I JUST WANT IT ALL TO END. I never thought I'd live this long, but feel like the next few months are going to test immeasurably my will to live...but I've already given up for the most part, so what do I do?? I am dumbfounded and amazed at how much I have screwed up my life. There are no ways out. It's all black and white. I'm so tired of fighting this disease in my head. Sooooo tired. Please don't fault me if I'm in the wrong forum, I've been crying on and off all day about this situation, and thankfully (I guess?) my stepdad came home, because I was starting to feel a growing sense of urgency to close the history books on me...
     
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    You're not in the wrong forum. :hug: I'm sorry you're struggling so much. I hope you'll stay here and post, possibly make some friends and have some people to turn to.
     
  3. hollowvoice

    hollowvoice Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    hi tavsan
    i think youre in the right forum too its kept me alive
    i dont think your a failure i think this disease has took over your life for so long now you think of nothing else
    im glad youre stepdad came home
    and hope youll hang around and talk with us somemore
     
  4. Cortez

    Cortez Banned Member

    I know how you feel, I hope you feel better. Please feel free to pm me if you need someone to talk to.
     
  5. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    I hope you find the help and guidance your looking for on here. I know I have felt like you so many days of my life that the balancing board is about to topple over.

    PM anytime.
     
  6. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    i'm bipolar too. for a long time i thought i was destined to die by suicide, that it came with being bipolar. slowly my thinking has changed. i had other shit to deal with, a rotten childhood specifically. as i heal from that the suicidal feelings lessen. it's been a long journey. is there other work you need to be doing. medication is not all there is.

    isolation is the worst. i lived out in the country a few years back and i attempted suicide within the year. are there any clubs you can join, like photography. a cooking class? anything to get you out and around people. you might not feel like it at first but you need it to get better.

    plan to get back into the city asap, as soon as your finances are sorted. it will make a huge difference. you will get there one day. hang in there.
     
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