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Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Butterfly, Apr 6, 2011.

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  1. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    Today was the day I finally got to go and see a doctor about my worsening feelings and to get my prescription. I didn't go and see my usual doctor because she wasn't in today so I booked in to see another one instead. I was expecting to feel nervous and apprehensive but I was actually ok because I knew this was something that needed to be done to make me feel better. No panic attacks, my heart was racing slightly but I was hot from walking. So the doctor calls me in. I told him that I had been to see the other doctor since January for my depression, and that I had come back today because I had been getting worse. He looked through my notes and told me that last time I came I had been feeling better. Which at the time was true because I had been able to finally get through to my fiance about my feelings and I was starting to have a couple of good days. I told him this but I said to him that for at 6 weeks I had been getting worse and that I was having no good days at all. Then he asked me how long had I run out of my citalopram so I told him about 2 weeks, but I hadn't been able to get an appointment because it was either booked up or I was working. He asked me what I did so I said I was a student nurse and I worked as a carer also. He said that was fine. He then just sat and read my notes and we sat in silence. It was so awkward. He printed me my prescription off. He didn't even bother to ask me if they were working for me or anything. He then said so why are you feeling worse when last time you came you were feeling better? I said I don't know why I just don't seem to be having any good days, when before I would have a couple. I am irritated all the time. I can't stand to be around noise because it drives me insane. I also told him I felt suicidal. I didn't tell him about my latests OD's though. He didn't take much notice. Maybe I should have mentioned them but I don't want to go to the looney bin. He then made me do the depression screen to see if I had got worse so I told him the answers. By this point I was feeling extremely agitated. I could not look him in the eye and I could not sit still. I began feeling hopeless and that it was a giant waste of my time even bothering to go. To add insult to injury, he then told me that in my busy schedule I should fit in a positive thought so I could stop myself from feeling suicidal. Oh how I was seething. AS IF I DIDN'T FUCKING TRY THAT ALREADY YOU FUCKING MORON!!!!! I just picked up my prescription and left. I didn't want to punch him in the face. But I was seething. I could have gone and smashed something up. I had to stop myself from crying from sheer frustration.

    I don't know what the fuck to do anymore. I feel so helpless and so stuck. I am trying to get myself better but with this moron I feel even worse. I contemplated walking up to the bridge and jumping off. I feel so lousy. I just don't know what else to do.
  2. lightbeam

    lightbeam Antiquities Friend

    *hugs* I'm sorry that it was a tough appointment, Lexi.

    :hug: At least you got your perscription. Hopefully that will make you feel better. And yes, that doctor is a moron.
  3. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    you have to open up to someone about how you truly feel inside, if not him, then another professional.

    do you have a therapist or counsellor? i highly recommend it. don't try and fight this alone. you are clearly feeling worse. there is help out there...
  4. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    No I don't and I have to be referred through my GP which obviously isn't going to happen any time soon. Only other way is if I attempt to do myself in and failed.
  5. Crue-K

    Crue-K Well-Known Member

    Just think, the Government will be handing the NHS budget to these knobheads. I never see my GP anymore, if I ever have a question I always ring my CPN or Psychiatrist, at least they have some idea of my issues.
  6. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    I just don't know what my next step is now. :(
  7. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    get that referral. what is the alternative? an attempt? death? you deserve help...
  8. solutions

    solutions Well-Known Member

    Hi, butterfly.

    It's a roulette with psychiatrists, or anyone in the mental health field. With quite a few of them, it's like they're passing onto you that they hate their jobs. My father owns a hospital, and he once said, as a joke, "Hospitals would be great places to work if it weren't for patients." And that, unfortunately, is true. People like your psychiatrist just don't care about how you feel. It's disgusting.

    The not-so-funny thing about the mental health field in general is that, even though it's astoundingly unreliable, it's everyone's only option. And it's a bitch to get through before you can find someone who shows that they actually care about you.

    I'm so tempted to type out loud when I wonder if you've bought enough time to find another psychiatrist...You'll never keep yourself together with a cold, empathyless psychiatrist like that. You can ask your GP, but some psychiatrists will refer you to another if you ask for it. So it's an option to ask the psychiatrist you're seeing now if there's anyone else available. I realize that's asking a lot, heck, I couldn't do it, but it's possible. In any case, I think a new psychiatrist needs to be sought out, someone you can actually feel comfortable sitting in front of. I've gone through three. But again, I admit, it's hard, and it takes a lot of effort.

    Man, this sucks. You just can't catch a break.
  9. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    I don't see a Psychiatrist Rocketpop. I am only being treated by my GPs at the moment. The only way I can get referred to a Psychiatrist is if I first get referred for counselling, who will then refer me back to the GP to refer me to a Psychiatrist. I felt like I came out of that appointment with nothing at all. Like it was a giant waste of time. I didn't even get my meds increased and I am on the shittiest dose of Citalopram ever. I am thinking of going to the Emergency Department tomorrow to see if I can get some help that way. I am desperate now.
  10. ali 56

    ali 56 Well-Known Member

    have you ever tried ringing up the crisis phone no.? they are very good, I called them on Saturday and spoke to a really nice lady they will advise you and they are there to listen. Get some help. Take care
  11. solutions

    solutions Well-Known Member

    To tell you the truth, that might not be a bad idea. They will, of course, ask if you want to be in a hospital or not. If I'm reading you correctly, you really are getting desperate. However you present yourself to them will determine what they do with you. So what are your intentions at the ER? What do you hope happens after it's through?

    I did that once, just walked in and said hi, please help me. I still went through their standard procedures before they had someone evaluate me. I got what I went there for, so maybe you'll have the same kind of luck.
  12. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    I think I will just be honest with them and tell them what's been going on. I am going to tell them that my ODs weren't attempts. More of a form of self harm. I don't cut anymore because no matter where I do it there's always someone somewhere that will see it and I don't want to cover up. So instead I damage the inside so no one can see my pain. I don't want to be hospitalised. I don't believe I need it and I don't believe things have gotten that bad. But I need some support. I am only on 20mg of Citalopram also and I really don't believe it's enough, neither do some of the people around me who know I am on it. I'm just very nervous about this and what will happen.
  13. solutions

    solutions Well-Known Member

    I agree that you're running out of options fast. Unless someone disagrees, I think that the ER might be beneficial. I think honesty is the best policy here, too, so tell them everything, including about how you know your dosage is too low and you can't find someone reliable to help you.
  14. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    Thank you guys so much for supporting me and understanding and helping me to realise that this is probably the right decision for me. I am definately going to go to the ED tomorrow to try and get some help. I will let you know how it goes tomorrow!
  15. icequeen

    icequeen Well-Known Member

    phone your local crisis line if your doc wont refer you or make another appt with your doc and refuse to leave till he/she refers you. you clearly need more than just meds. hold on.
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