Stuck

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Butterfly, Nov 17, 2011.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Butterfly

    Butterfly Pokémon Master Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    I feel like I am stuck and that I am not getting anywhere. I have reached out to the professionals, been honest with them and I don't know what else I can say or do to get them to listen. I don't really know what I am looking for but I see no improvement within myself, in fact, when I really think about it I have got a lot worse. My moods cycle a lot and when I am really down and reach crisis point I am dangerous. I use a lot of methods to self harm, regular OD and I have methods ready and planned in my head that I may one day act on out of impulse. I tell them this but they don't listen and it scares me. I can't get therapy because my referral was rejected because I was too much of a risk to myself (I mean what the fuck) and the psych's won't re refer me. All I keep getting is well we will just increase this med blah blah blah. Oh and an addition, a mood diary to keep for the next 6 weeks to two months. It is blatantly obvious that SSRI's are doing absolutely nothing for me. I felt numb on citalopram which in my opinion wasn't a good thing as I would rather feel something than nothing at all. Fluoxetine was a disaster as it made me extremely suicidal and started off my graphic nightmares which I still have and I have been on Sertraline for a little while now and no improvement whatsoever. They psych increased the dose but I am going to refuse to take them because I am broke and I don't want to waste my money on shit that is not going to work for me. I am sick of the pre conceptions and the assumptions.

    I also feel like I have no purpose in life. I worked my damn arse off at university in my nursing degree but because these fuckers won't help me I had to take a break. I spend my days doing nothing. I try to motivate to shower at least every other day and I try to keep myself occupied such as writing. I enjoy writing but it doesn't always work. I also play computer games on occasion to keep myself distracted but there is nothing left for me anymore. I have my fiance who loves me dearly and I love him dearly and then there is my parents, but I am not sure love is enough to cure my unhappiness and I am not sure it attracts me enough to stay in this world.

    To top it off I may have Lymphoma and I don't have enough strength to keep on fighting without a life threatening disease, let alone with one. All that has happened within a year is things have gotten much worse and my life has been tipped upside down on numerous occasions. What do I do? Stay on this planet and rot until I am a complete numb zombie with no feelings, emotions and live life on auto pilot, or do I cut my losses and with knowing that things are never going to get any better enjoy what time I have left and say goodbye to this cruel world?
     
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    There's no saying goodbye. :( You're worth more than that honey. I think the idea of keeping a mood diary is a great idea. It will give the psychiatrist/doctor much more understanding of how you're doing. Hopefully they will find the medication that suits you and soon. :) Hang in there sweet :hug:
     
  3. Butterfly

    Butterfly Pokémon Master Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    I've told them for months how I feel you would think they would get the message by now but no to them there is nothing serious for them to worry about. I don't want medication. I want to die.
     
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    That's sad. :(

    Let me tell you, only 2 months ago I was where you are now, I attempted and ended up in the psych ward for a week, its really not worth it. You have your whole life ahead of you, you have your boyfriend, you have your college degree, you have a lot going for you :hug: Hopefully it will be enough in the end for you to start to improve in how you are feeling.
     
  5. Butterfly

    Butterfly Pokémon Master Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    This is what makes me sad. I am going to be getting married and one day qualify as a nurse. On paper my life is fantastic but I am still fucked up in the head and unhappy and I am left thinking why? Why do I feel like this? I've been unhappy since I was 13 years old and things haven't really changed much in 8 years. Yes I managed to achieve things but I am still unhappy. I feel kind of peaceful knowing that there could be a way out of this where I will truly stop hurting.
     
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.