I feel like I am stuck and that I am not getting anywhere. I have reached out to the professionals, been honest with them and I don't know what else I can say or do to get them to listen. I don't really know what I am looking for but I see no improvement within myself, in fact, when I really think about it I have got a lot worse. My moods cycle a lot and when I am really down and reach crisis point I am dangerous. I use a lot of methods to self harm, regular OD and I have methods ready and planned in my head that I may one day act on out of impulse. I tell them this but they don't listen and it scares me. I can't get therapy because my referral was rejected because I was too much of a risk to myself (I mean what the fuck) and the psych's won't re refer me. All I keep getting is well we will just increase this med blah blah blah. Oh and an addition, a mood diary to keep for the next 6 weeks to two months. It is blatantly obvious that SSRI's are doing absolutely nothing for me. I felt numb on citalopram which in my opinion wasn't a good thing as I would rather feel something than nothing at all. Fluoxetine was a disaster as it made me extremely suicidal and started off my graphic nightmares which I still have and I have been on Sertraline for a little while now and no improvement whatsoever. They psych increased the dose but I am going to refuse to take them because I am broke and I don't want to waste my money on shit that is not going to work for me. I am sick of the pre conceptions and the assumptions. I also feel like I have no purpose in life. I worked my damn arse off at university in my nursing degree but because these fuckers won't help me I had to take a break. I spend my days doing nothing. I try to motivate to shower at least every other day and I try to keep myself occupied such as writing. I enjoy writing but it doesn't always work. I also play computer games on occasion to keep myself distracted but there is nothing left for me anymore. I have my fiance who loves me dearly and I love him dearly and then there is my parents, but I am not sure love is enough to cure my unhappiness and I am not sure it attracts me enough to stay in this world. To top it off I may have Lymphoma and I don't have enough strength to keep on fighting without a life threatening disease, let alone with one. All that has happened within a year is things have gotten much worse and my life has been tipped upside down on numerous occasions. What do I do? Stay on this planet and rot until I am a complete numb zombie with no feelings, emotions and live life on auto pilot, or do I cut my losses and with knowing that things are never going to get any better enjoy what time I have left and say goodbye to this cruel world?