Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by MoAnamCara, May 26, 2012.

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  1. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    I feel stuck. I thought I was moving forward. But the last week has been very difficult. Negative coping, stupid behaviors etc. I would like to be honest with my T, but I fear the consequences of doing so. How can we trust those who are obliged by their standard of care to do whats "right" for the client? If I say - yes, I have sui thoughts - the next question is do I have a method. If I say well I really don't wish to die but I can't cope. And yes I have two methods - then what?

    There's more pressures re work and some other things that have arisen. It just feels too much. How can I get through this inability to cope? I mean seriously, the smallest of things (I logically know they are silly) but they send me reeling. This is not how I used to be at all.

    I ache so much for my soulmate. I mean, physically, ache.

    I'm not sure how to cope right now. Have definitely gone backwards. Trying so hard to keep busy and keep distracted with things that don't cause me anxiety & stress.

    I'm feeling now at times like I give up. Thats it - done. Like, whats the point? I don't want to feel this way, think this way. But I do, I am. I want out.

    So, what do I do?
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You talk openly to your T okay I have told mine about my suicidal thoughts about my method but not been locked up at all Your T will help you cope hun but only if he or she knows exactly how you are feeling and how much you are grieving hun for your partner hugs
  3. 1Lefty

    1Lefty Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry that you're in such pain and bewilderment. It is a very uncomfortable feeling.

    Let your friends here carry you. There is an ebb and flow to life, some days are wretched, and I go into survival mode or just pure existence mode, And try to do whatever it takes to survive that day. But there are some days that are sweet and simple, and I can catch just a glimpse that there is a future. It hasn't been easy, but friends have helped me, as has this site

    Missing your soulmate? Yes, I know that feeling well, and it seems like that will last forever and there will always be an element of pain to remind us. That's the price we pay, for the richness of that overwhelming love. Love deep, grieve deep. There is no replacement.
    There can be diversions, but none can take the place of one that is so dear. And a soulmate has so many roles that we associate ourselves with, especially when we are acting as a caregiver. With the loss of our soulmate, we also lose the roles we identified ourselves by, we've lost the touchstone that we defined ourselves by.
    No wonder we're lost and bewildered and don't know who we are anymore, what we want from life, what we now want our future to be, since our first choice, the root of all of our hopes and plans, is gone. Everything has to be reevaluated. I'm there. No one taught me or explained to me how to survive this. Sometimes my coping skills fall short of what other people knew me for. Fuck them. This is the most intense feeling I have ever known or can imagine. SI or drugs, neither ideal, I'm not endorsing, but seem to help me prevent my destructive feelings from progressing into full-blown suicidal crisis. For me, there has been a time when I needed isolation, and to put my thoughts to paper, some evolved into songs, or completed songs. Other people may choose other creative ways to express or capture what is going on within, and what speaks to them. It can get better,, or different, my mood level usually averaged a 3, now closer to 5 or 6. I can actually smile, sometimes even laugh, but I had to survive long enough to get there.

    .And sometimes I needed that human companionship and touch, the comfort that comes from holding another. My late wife's sister and brother both were actually supportive and glad when I had found such a friend. At first, it felt like I was betraying my wife, but part of the acceptance of her loss, was that she was never coming back, and that she really loved me so much that she would want me to be happy. I was not dishonoring or disrespecting her memory, honor and respect are shown while the person was living, that's what my sister-in-law and brother-in-law had witnessed, sacrifices and kindness I had shown my wife while she was alive.

    So much more I could write, but that's probably already too much for one post.
  4. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Thank you both.

    1Lefty - you brought tears to my eyes with your understanding.

    My thoughts scare me. Being honest with my T scares me. Which is the lessor of the two evils?

    Maybe I should just go away myself. Or maybe I should be over everything and just suck it up and get on. I swear I have tried, so very hard, to move forward.

    I don't know. I'd feel more able to disappear. Run. Hide. :cry:
  5. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    Maybe you are trying TOO hard? Pushing too much? Can you just let things happen at their own pace?
  6. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    I don't think I am, I think I'm not pushing enough. Or trying enough, without any pushing involved.

    Tonight has gone to hell. Again, it all feels too much. It being the thoughts of work, coping with daily stuffs, the estate stuffs, moving forward, not feeling the anxiety, the pain and hurt. Not knowing what to do, how to.....

    And on and on it goes. This is just so hard. I know much of what I say doesn't make sense right now and I'm sorry. And I'm sorry I'm not there for many of you.

    I'm behind in so many regular things that need done incl paying bills. And I really don't care. And its just not like me.

    How many times can I say "I don't know"? or anything else? Isn't it just reptitive crap? Doesn't it make more sense then to quit? people and things?
  7. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    ok yeah time to shut up, right? yeah. thanks.

    cant breath right, anxiety up the wazooo, and im tired of this. I cant go on like this.

    fuck it.
  8. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    No not time to shut up m'friend. Hope your anxiety is better now.
    You have got this far can you take a step back and see how well you have done?
  9. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Mo...these are the times you hold on tight to people who care (yes, I know I should follow this as well, and I am trying) and please include me in the list...much caring
  10. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Irl there aren't ppl for me to hold onto. And besides, world I really ever admit that im not in control? Sadly, no.

    But thanks. Tale care.
  11. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    Hey Mo...keep talking ok :console:
    is there something the T can do for your anxiety levels? I agree with TE to tell your T the truth so he can help with appropriate treatment

    I hate to say this but there is no getting around has to happen as it happens
    in your own way and your own time
    try not to be so hard on yourself for getting through each day is a huge accomplishment in the early days of loss
    you are getting there Mo..don't give can do this
    you don't know how strong you are until there is no other choice *hug*
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