My life feels so meaningless at the moment. Not just right this moment, but in general, really. Back in 2007 my life had meaning. However depressed I was, I made my girlfriend at the time happy, my best friend took care of me, which doesn't sound meaningful, but she is someone who needs someone to take care of, at least back then. However guilty I felt, and still feel about it, rationally speaking I was of help for her in some way. I made people smile and laugh with my goofiness. I don't know what happened to that person. Feels like I'm in a vicious cycle: when I'm depressed, I lose that spark and goofiness that makes people smile and laugh, I lose my ability to help people (not just the smiling thing, but any kind of help, really), and when I can't help people I get depressed... What's the point of my life if I can't even help people? Perhaps I'm subconsciously sabotaging my life to create the situation where I feel I have no choice but to kill myself? I don't know. Any kind of medical education isn't laid out for me, but perhaps I should join the fire squad? I don't know, I'm running out of ideas. I have no clue what to do with my life, or what it is I want anymore. Somehow all the passion I had for anything has disappeared, dissolved. I feel like a zombie, even worse than when I was on medication. I don't want to die, but I just.. I'm drainmed, I have no energy left. I can't do this anymore, I need professional help, again. And I have no clue how to tell my parents. I've put them through so much already. I don't want to disappoint them again. Although I'm pretty sure they know something's up. I don't know. If only this were a dream and I'd wake up. Or go back in time a year or 6 months even, so I could get help back then and nip this friggin depression in the butt before it got this bad.