Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Wildcard, Sep 19, 2012.

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  1. Wildcard

    Wildcard New Member

    I guess this summer has been making me a little crazy. I've always suffered from depression, but it seems like it's gotten worse and worse the older I get. I just started my junior year of college, I have been considering quitting since freshman year. It's not that I am having academic issues, I make straight A's, and have a full ride scholarship.

    I don't have that many friends, I just moved here for college, and I switched around schools a lot in high school. Lately, a lot of people in my social circle have been talking about me a lot. I slept with two guys this summer, and in both cases, it was one of those things where they hung around for a couple weeks, just long enough to convince me that they were interested in a relationship, but then when they got what they wanted they stopped responding to my calls. Unfortunately, that's not how they represented the situation to our mutual friends.
    I have a boyfriend now, we've been dating for a little over a month, and things are kind of rocky right now. His dad is sick, so he's been in a bad mood a lot, and he's usually very short with me.

    I am an art student, and it's started to dawn on me that I might not be good enough to make a living off my art. I excel in my classes, but I feel like I don't have the same level of talent as the other juniors.

    My two best friends, a couple that I travel with, kind of betrayed me this summer. We rode the freight train to Richmond, and spent a really great two weeks there, but when we got back, they started avoiding me. They said they feel like they don't really know me and I'm hiding things from them. This claim was completely unwarranted, and I feel like a lot of it had to do with the fact that they were moving across the country and are not good at putting effort into long distance friendships.

    I have a lot of money issues, my boyfriend can't get a job, so I have been paying for us both a lot lately. I live off of money the school gives me and help from my mom, though she is really broke so I'm basically on my own now. I'm so tired of digging change out of my couch just to feed myself. I had a job this summer but it is hard to find one that works with my current school schedule.

    I know my life isn't that bad, but it's not that great either. Everyday is bland, I am tired of being stuck in this dead end town, and I feel like there's no point in finishing school because the degree will be useless. I want to move to new york with my boyfriend because he grew up on the street there and he says he can get me a job, but I am scared to quit school when I have a full ride.

    Every day just seems like an endless cycle of dragging myself out of bed, dragging myself through a bunch of routine stuff I don't want to do, staying up all night and eventually beating my insomnia and passing out. My life feels like the volume is turned down on it, I'm disassociated from so much, and I am pretty much constantly in emotional pain. I've been considering killing myself for several months, but I have been stuck on how to do it. I don't want it to be dramatic, and I don't want anyone to feel like its their fault. This winter is looking like it's going to be bleak, and I can feel myself getting worse. I constantly feel like something bad is going to happen, I just don't know what. My anxiety is getting worse and worse and I feel it changing who I am, and I know I'm getting more and more bitter and withdrawn.

    I just don't know what to do anymore.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Your bf needs to get out and support himself hun no way you should be supporting him You hun you talk to councillors at your school ok or the doctor there and tell them how you are feeling. Time to look after YOU ok get the help support you need to get feeling better about YOU and push the bf aside for awhile find someone that does not use you hun ok hugs
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