Stuff in the basement

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by oftenconfused, Jun 15, 2011.

  1. oftenconfused

    oftenconfused Member

    Hi, I just joined this site to get some ‘stuff out of the basement’ to clear my head.
    It’s about this feelings I’m having. I’m not depressed all the time, I only have periods of mostly light depression where I pretty much don’t do anything. I get up in the morning, go to work (when I have a job) or sit in front of the PC or TV and think, and then go to bed in the evening. And it’s always the same, I always think and ask myself “why is this happening to me, why can’t I for once have a break in life”. What I mean is, I had a good childhood until I reached elementary school but then it all started to go bad. My father became an alcoholic, my country (yugoslavia) was at war and falling apart. Then my parents got divorced after some tough years dealing with my fathers drinking and I had to go through elem. school which was hell, at least for me. Being bullied by popular and rich kids and being embarrassed of my family situation. Then there was secondary school (kinda like high school). It started quite well until I began doing weed and being high all the time. After 3 years of getting high I changed school and did some drinking but I finished the school. Got a job and really started to think that life is going to get better, but it didn’t. I lost my job (company went bankrupt) and spent months looking for a new job and being down most of the time. After 4 months I got me a new job and once again had that feeling of better life, but after 18 months it went away just like my job because of this economy crisis. Even though I had that better life feeling I was still feeling down on the inside. I pretended to be happy but on the inside all I wanted was to go home and lock myself in my room for life. So here’s that period again when I am once again looking for a job and once again feeling down and asking myself “what is there to live for”. I mean, everyday I watch on TV how my country’s going deeper and deeper down the toilet and how hundreds of my fellow countrymen are losing their jobs because the corrupted government is doing nothing to stop this. Sometimes I wish I had a gun so I could go out and kill ‘em all and sometimes I just think about ‘doing’ myself. I don’t think about if I should do it, but how I should do it. I almost have everything planed but then I think of what it would do to my family. I could do this to myself but I could never do this to my mother. Well, I’m quite sure this feelings are going to pass soon and hope for a long time, but I’m also sure that they are gonna come back.
    I know my stuff ain’t so serious but I just wanted to get it out and, that’s it.
  2. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    hey tomaz..I hope you can remember that you had good times and they will come back again.
    and your stuff is serious to you so that makes it no less serious than anyone elses problems
    i can hear you have strength
    you've had some tough things happen and you've not given up through them all so
    don't give up now

    are you getting any professional help? meds? therapy?

    i can't tell you how pleased I am to hear that you care so much about your Mum and family that you don't want to put them through losing you...
    take care and keep reaching out ok
  3. oftenconfused

    oftenconfused Member

    Thanks for the reply. You’re right and I do remember the good times I had at least I try to every time I’m feeling down. About the meds and therapy, I think I don’t need them cause I’ve been pretty successful at handling my ‘stuff’ so far. As I said, I only have periods of feeling down and they usually come when something doesn’t go the way I planned, like the loss of job recently. I’m sure I’ll feel better as soon as I get me a new job. Every time I feel down I try, as you and I said, remember the good times and I got some friends to talk to. About ‘doing’ myself in, I think about it when I’m down, as do a lot of people, but I don’t think that I’ll ever be able to actually do it. Maybe it’s more of a 'wish I could do it' than actual desire to do it. The important thing is that I don’t do it.