I'm not even sure this is the right one for this but I need something because I am 23 and so tired of my past running my life. not too go into too much detail. The first time I thought about suicide was when I was 7. It was after my older sister tried to drown me in a pool and afterwards I sat crying my eyes out & hoping for death in the locker room until closing. My parents had gone through a messy divorce a few months beforehand. I remember them screaming nasty things towards each other that still goes on today. my father when I was 12 had a sex change and thats when I started cutting/burning and seeing how deep I could go. Thoughts of suicide were frequent during high school and I even had some attempts that didn't go right. they wanted for me to call em "mom" which really screwed with me. when I was 18 he went back to being a "guy" . living with my mother meant little food, no heat during a minnesota winter, no medical coverage so I lived with my other parent off and on. when I was 16 I got involved with a man that was 18 years older than me. lost my virginity, got a permanent std, stopped self mutilating, and moved on to drugs. That obviously didn't work out because I realized how bizarre that situation was. I quit the drugs except the drinking & nicotine. My logic for smoking is that I kill myself slowly every time I smoke. drinking is better than slicing myself up. I got involved with another man who was closer to my age but I couldn't hold onto a job for more than a year and got plunged into depression for long periods of time which caused strain on the relationship. he also had desires to change sex as well which freaked me out. I left him and told him I didn't love him because I wanted better for him. I pushed everyone away that I was friends with and moved to a different state to live with my parent cause I had no where else to go. I haven't made any new friends because I have a fear of social situations. My thoughts of suicide are much more frequent again and I go over every possible way that i could do it right now because I get a constant reminder of all the things that happened in my past every single day living with em and I hate that they never want to talk about it. I can't go anywhere else if I want to go to college next fall but I am not even sure if I can make it that long in this environment. I can't afford to go see a therapist or someone similar. I can't sleep at night and I am so tired of wanting to end it all. I am tired of the pain. tired of the memories. I wish to wake up with no memory or not wake up at all.