stuff

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Transient, May 16, 2007.

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  1. Transient

    Transient New Member

    I'm not even sure this is the right one for this but I need something because I am 23 and so tired of my past running my life.

    not too go into too much detail. The first time I thought about suicide was when I was 7. It was after my older sister tried to drown me in a pool and afterwards I sat crying my eyes out & hoping for death in the locker room until closing. My parents had gone through a messy divorce a few months beforehand. I remember them screaming nasty things towards each other that still goes on today.

    my father when I was 12 had a sex change and thats when I started cutting/burning and seeing how deep I could go. Thoughts of suicide were frequent during high school and I even had some attempts that didn't go right. they wanted for me to call em "mom" which really screwed with me. when I was 18 he went back to being a "guy" . living with my mother meant little food, no heat during a minnesota winter, no medical coverage so I lived with my other parent off and on.

    when I was 16 I got involved with a man that was 18 years older than me. lost my virginity, got a permanent std, stopped self mutilating, and moved on to drugs. That obviously didn't work out because I realized how bizarre that situation was. I quit the drugs except the drinking & nicotine. My logic for smoking is that I kill myself slowly every time I smoke. drinking is better than slicing myself up.

    I got involved with another man who was closer to my age but I couldn't hold onto a job for more than a year and got plunged into depression for long periods of time which caused strain on the relationship. he also had desires to change sex as well which freaked me out. I left him and told him I didn't love him because I wanted better for him. I pushed everyone away that I was friends with and moved to a different state to live with my parent cause I had no where else to go. I haven't made any new friends because I have a fear of social situations.

    My thoughts of suicide are much more frequent again and I go over every possible way that i could do it right now because I get a constant reminder of all the things that happened in my past every single day living with em and I hate that they never want to talk about it. I can't go anywhere else if I want to go to college next fall but I am not even sure if I can make it that long in this environment. I can't afford to go see a therapist or someone similar.

    I can't sleep at night and I am so tired of wanting to end it all. I am tired of the pain. tired of the memories. I wish to wake up with no memory or not wake up at all.
     
  2. smackh2o

    smackh2o SF Supporter

    You sound like you have a whole host of things you need to understand. The events that happened to you are self explanatory to an outsider but when you harbour them in your head you start to make your own opinions of them and it can cause feelings like suicide. What's worse is that you can pick up depression and this can cause you to chang those thoughts of those events into something worse and you may eventually start hating yourself, blaming, even becoming violent for no explantory reason. It is truly a good idea to see a therapist about these issues you have, espiecally of the early ones about your parents. First step of stopping your mind from hurting or making you think certain thoughts is to understand it all. Then you can start turning the tables around and get your life back.

    Look up about therapists because you can sometimes get the first sessions free. Maybe it is all you need to step you in the right direction. I'm sorry it costs for you, it shouldnt for anyone, it's a massively whidespread problem and your not suffering alone even though it can feel like it when you have no one to open up to. It's good to use this site to vent it and get advice/give advice and stuff.

    Take care
     
    Last edited by a moderator: May 17, 2007
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