Stumbled here, feeling alone & desparate

Hi!

Sometimes I feel like I'm reaching the end of my rope. I just thought to do a search for somewhere online and found this site.

I have two therapists. I see one every week and the other every other week. I tell them I feel depressed and have a hard time getting anything done. I've been out of a job for months because I can't get myself to do much at all. I tell them I think about death. I feel like they don't hear me. They just go on to talk about the details of what's happening in my life. They don't offer anything for me to do or any help at all with the depression and thoughts about death. I tell my partner every now and then when I'm feeling really desperate and alone. I don't think she knows what to do and I feel like it's unfair to burden her with that. I guess I'm just hoping that people here will at least be able to sympathize with me and that I'll feel heard--that you'll understand.

I'm 33. I've been in abusive situations since childhood, until a few years ago when I left my abusive spouse. I have a loving partner now but I struggle every day with intense fears about being cheated on and gaslighted as I was before. Every day I think about specific instances and feel like I can't trust her. I've talked to her about my feelings, trying to take responsibility for them and not project them onto her. It doesn't seem to be getting any better though. We've almost been together for 9 months.

I'm going to school to get a B.S. but I hate it. I'm trying to start a photography business but I see others work all the time and feel like my own work is horrible and I'm just not talented enough. Yeah...I struggle with feeling worthless.

Anyway, I appreciate at least having a place to post this. I guess I don't know what else to do. I feel like every time I reach out for help there just is none and I feel like my therapists belittle by feelings of depression. I feel like I really need help and don't know how else to get it.

 

Hi, and welcome to the site. I'm glad you joined.
Have you considered switching therapists? Sometimes it takes a while to find the right one... they're all different and have different thoughts and ideas on how to help people.
I think you'll find lots of people here who understand and will listen.

 

About photography, it's very good that you are interested in something and continue it, I think continuous work and not giving up is way important than talent, don't be discouraged if you feel like you are not as talented as some other person. You enjoy it and you will make progress and that the most important thing. It's also important to remember that depression makes you see yourself in a shadow, you feeling/thinking that you are as talented as others may not be true at all, and even if it was liking what you do and not giving up are the important factors of progress at the end of the day.