I'm so sick of feeling sorry for myself. I'm so sick of feeling angry at myself because I keep feeling sorry for myself. Then I get these five minutes of feeling inspired and to do well, only to not achieve cause I'm too busy fantasizing about achieving - and cause I didn't achieve I feel upset - then sorry for myself - then angry again. It's like my brain is full of so many automatic thoughts, constantly putting myself down - feeling sorry for myself - getting angry - resenting everyone - pushing myself away from everyone, only to hug them tight - I'm always a bloody yo-yo. I keep dissapointing myself. My Granma said to me today, don't worry, you will work harder in your A-Levels, you just don't work much because you're depressed. See the thing is I remember before I suffered from depression and I never worked then. I can't blame things on a stupid depression. My mind has been so jumbled lately I can't even come up with a half-decent plant to kill myself. How pathetic can you get, to get to the stage where you can't even kill yourself cause your brian gets so messed up. (There I go again feeling sorry for myself.) I know I wont achieve, because I never achieved academically even before I got depressed. See that what I've noticed about society, people tell me ''go see your doctor or someone for help''. Well I've asked for help hundreds of times, no one cares. No one wants to help, the NHS is crap, the College is crap, the whole f****** system is crap. My family says "oh you'll get over it, the depression will go away" despite the fact I obviousy suffer from a chemical imbalance. They think I've actually improved, when actually I just shut up more because no one helps when I show that I'm upset. People always think they can push me around - I even had a teacher bully me yesterday in the College IT room, he said he had every right to be nasty to people like me. I'd done nothing wrong, all I did was sit and do work on the computer. Everybody was a laughing at me, the teacher laughed at me and said he was gonna say to my tutor that I was kissing a student and shouted at him even though I hadn't done any of that. The other students found it so funny, they all clapped when I burst into tears and ran away. I found out today that guy really did lodge that false complaint against me. Maybe that sounds like an event. People say life gets better but from day one I've been treated like this by people. I've burst into tears in my lessons before - teachers either ignore it or find it funny. I'm so sick of feeling sorry for myself. My mind is just full of rot and biased depressive thoughts. I want to change, I try to change, I tell myself to change. To no ******g avail. Just...Help. I really need someone. Someone who can actually help me. I've tried time and time again to deal with this independately, it hasn't worked. I don't want sympathy from people, all these years I've searched for people to help me help myself. I don't want to wallow in self-pity, I want to change. Everything I've thought of hasn't worked. Yeah, I'm probably making little next to no sense. -_-"