stupid existential questions

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by goodbye pork pie hat, Jun 12, 2008.

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  1. goodbye pork pie hat

    goodbye pork pie hat Active Member

    not feeling too hot right now. guess it's nothing new for anybody here. i guess it's just that no one would ever want to be with me. i feel completely hopeless. even if it turned out that this guy i like did somehow like me (which isn't even a possibility), i sometimes feel like I’d just have to turn him away. he would become an enemy. or even worse, he would see that I’m just a complete waste of space. people can put up with this sort of thing – how I feel – for only so long before they snap. at first, my boyfriend would be caring and nurturing. he would take me to therapy and get me on meds and hug me all the time and be as sweet as possible. But when none of that worked, when I simply never got better, he would feel betrayed. he would grow to hate me, become tired of me. then he’d leave. and that would be it. i would be no sadder than I was before. well, that’s not true. but I just don’t know.
    i wanted to ask you guys something, see what you think. i didn't know who i could ask. see, that thing, having a boyfriend and all, or someone who cares, is like an objective or something. for me. so, i'm looking through that sort of context, that frame of mind, and i start thinking, what’s the point of trying to get to an objective if part of you knows you’ll never reach it? what if life is just purely Sisyphean? does that make it not worth living? i just don't know anymore. i'm not feeling suicidal right now. i just... have not felt anything positive for a long time. almost a year now. i could ask a preacher there questions, but that’d be dumb - i'm not religious. it’s not that I think all Christian people would give me an inherently Christian answer, it’s just… I don’t know. that context seems inappropriate to me, somehow. i could ask my friends, but they would laugh and call me emo or say, “that’s stupid.” they always do. i could ask Trey, but he would just say, “Hm,” and look at the wall because he’s asked himself the same question a million times already and still hasn’t come up with an answer. maybe everyone asks themselves these questions. through the pages of history, society stumbles on. why? what is it for? are we born just to die? if I died, would people care? or would they just say, “I feel bad for his family"?
    what am i fighting for?
    i know you guys don't know the meaning of life or anything, and it's probably overly simplistic to say that i'm only sad because of some kind of existential crisis thing going on. but... well, i don't know what i want. maybe some words of encouragement or something. some reason to go on. i don't want to die. i really don't. i'm only fifteen. how can i die? but then, if i'm only hurting people, and if i will never feel fulfilled, what's the point? i guess that's it.
    goddamn, good luck. i apologize for this.
  2. florizel

    florizel Member

    Totally agree. Every goal in life is meaningless, especially when our focus is on death. And no one could give a definite answer of what life would be after death either, so I guess striving for a decent afterlife would be meaningless too.

    Sometimes I think that the only reason I'm still alive is because I'm too scared of dying.

    And people say that's stupid.
  3. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    Well, let's just say for argument's sake that life IS Sisyphean in nature (I do not believe this, btw). What difference does it really make? All I can really say is that it's not about the destination, but the journey. NOBODY is completely happy with where they are and what they are doing, but the smart thing to do is to try and live in the moment.

    Now, I don't mean by that that we should do anything and everything that we feel like at any given moment. What I mean is that we, as people need to acknowledge and be always aware of what is going on around us. Every day, people waste so much time thinking "I'll be happy once I get that promotion/job/girlfriend/boyfriend/handbag/degree/house/raise". What a sad way to live!!! Nothing is EVER going to be perfect, but life IS HAPPENING right before our eyes and we are often so focused on the future or the past or what we feel is lacking in our lives that we miss the whole thing.

    The myth of Sisyphus, while on the surface seems to be a message about the futility of life and effort, is NOT about that at all! It is about living in the moment and actually being an active part of your own existence! What do you think Sisyphus was thinking about when he was pushing that boulder anyway?

    I believe that he was living in the moment, that he was fully engaged in the very simple action of pushing that boulder, fully aware of the "nowness" of his endeavor, feeling the texture of that boulder, of the way the earth felt under his feet and fully engaged in the task at hand without allowing himself to be overcome by thoughts of despair and hopelessness, because those thoughts are worthless and counter-productive.

    How easy it is to allow ourselves to become overwhelmed with thoughts of past and future, to think that just when we get to the top of that hill, everything will tumble back down and we will have to restart, when all that really matters is NOW. The Sisyphus myth is really about perfection in the moment, about concentrating on being fully whole and fully present and fully perfect in THIS moment and this moment only, despite of what the future might bring (a future that may never come).

    It is about not agonizing about what will come, but about living the journey as it presents itself to us, and by doing this (and ONLY in doing this) we are fully alive, aware and present.

    Perfect the moment in which you are living, rather than worrying about something that may or may not ever happen. When we do this, we are truly alive and aware and productive.

    Perfect THIS moment, do everything to the best of your ability, and be fully and utterly present, without distraction, feel it and take it as it is and the rest of your life (no matter what happens) will unfold, and whatever that life brings, you will be able to experience it on an entirely different and much more significant level.
  4. Summer.Rain

    Summer.Rain Well-Known Member

    I think that the ONLY reason why humanity is still here, its becouse
    we dont have free will, even though we may think we do.
    When boy fall in love with a girl, merry her, then make kids, he do
    so just becouse his and hers HORMONS "telling" them to do so.
    The only reason why people work\study is becouse thay want
    to live a life where thay can buy beutiful expancive things and see the world..
    And the only reson why we alive is becouse our boddy want us to be alive
    our boddy will fight if needed to keep us alive as long as possible.
    That why when people trying to OD, thay puke all fall asleep and wakeup
    becouse thair boddy managed to fight the poison.
    This is one example...

    Overall, our boddy controll thay way we see and think.

    Many people will say that our boddy and us is one whole living organism
    but the truth is, that its a lie. For example why cant i have controll
    over my hormonic balance? or physical development?
    why cant i controll my heart? why cant i disable my boddy if
    i dont want to live? the answare is simple...
  5. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    My therapist would tell you to stop fortune telling. You are putting undo stress on your self. There is no way to tell what the future will bring. Now you can have some input on it by making certain thoughts and input them.
    You can do this by setting yourself small goals to keep your mind thinking about what can I do next. Sitting back and not doing anything is a bitch. I know because I do it everyday. I have agoriphobia and stay in my room all the time. I do alot of just laying in my bed staring at the ceiling with my mind just a blank not seeing anything.
    Here recently I got a puppy so now I have a companion and he requires alot of attention. I actually get up and take him for a short walk, until my anxiety gets up then I just return to my room. I have been getting a little interaction here lately by having a dog trainer come once a week. I have certain duties to take care of Digger. Like I said I walk him, feed him, train him, play with him and a few others I can't think of right now. My mind is spinning in circles.
    You need to find something to do with yourself or you will eventually start isolating yourself from the world. You are to young for that. There is a whole big world out there to see. I wasn't always like this. I have been to five countries, hitchhiked across the USA. When I was doing that it was pretty much safe to do that. Then one day on my way back to Florida I had a truck driver going the other way take a couple of shots at me. Well enough of that, please stay safe and stay strong...:chopper:
  6. worlds edge

    worlds edge Well-Known Member

    Translation: Existence as a stimulus-response machine. Doesn't seem all that significant to me. But, let's play along at home: What exactly is a "much more significant level" anyway? When, where and how did you go from the insignificant level the significant level?

    Or are those of us perusing this thread too insignificant to aspire to this magnificient significance? :rolleyes:
  7. silver76

    silver76 Active Member

    This is not entirely true. Tibetian monks can controll nearly every aspect of their bodies. Using only a "wet" cloth they can sit in sub-freezing temperatures, and spend the night that way. They can control their internal temperature and raise it to the point that the cloth dries and they can spend the night on the side of a snow covered mountain with no ill effects. Others can slow there heart rates and breathing to the point that it is nearly inpercievable to EEG machines. For a more common example. Deep water divers can hold their breath for up to 10 minutes, and have no side effects, because of training and slowing of their heart rates. While this level of control is not possible for everyone, and would take a great deal of practice, it is possible.

    As far as not being happy for a year. I can not say it will get metter, nearly 20 years and still waiting. My wife has given up trying. We live together. I love her and she loves me. She has just gotten used to my brooding and wanting to be alone at times. Love is possible. Wheather I feel love like others I don't know. It's not Hollywood style, but it's there. I have gone through life in a gray haze. Nothing is vibrant, nothing is really fun. I do things that pass the time faster is all. Every now and then I do see something, a sunset or something that sparks something, and for a brief moment I can remember normal. But only for a moment. Maybe that's why I haven't been successfull in my attempts. Those brief moments. Maybe that is all life is, brief moments surrounded by gray.
  8. fromthatshow

    fromthatshow Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Anastasia put it perfectly I think
  9. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    The point is, we spend so much time either regretting our past, which we cannot change, or being anxious about future events which may or may not ever occur. Even if anxiety about the future is over something inevitable, such as death, there really isn't a damn thing we can do about it.

    The best thing we can really do is stop living in the past and the future and actually have the presence of mind to fully experience what is happening right now.

    There is so much going on around us if we only pay attention. For example, when walking to my car to go to work, I can either space out and start thinking about how I wish I didn't have to go to work, or how I wish I had done or said something differently the day before, or I can focus on exactly what I am doing at that very moment. Then I would notice the smell of jasmine from the jasmine plant that grows on the side of the house, I would notice a little girl out front playing a game with her father, I would notice that I seem to have doves living very nearby because I can hear them cooing from somewhere. I would notice that maybe the bushes are growing very fast and need trimming or that the lily plant in the garden has a new bloom. I might notice that I really like my new shoes because they are so comfortable. I might even notice something really significant, like a boy bouncing a ball next door, which I will be thinking about as I back out of the driveway so that I can avoind hitting him if the ball bounces behind my car. I may notice how the latte I am drinking at the time just tastes particularly good this morning. These are sights, sounds, smells, feelings and tastes that would have gone by totally unnoticed.

    Every single one of these things is something I would have missed had I not been fully committed to experiencing the present moment. How many things do we just MISS COMPLETELY because we are worrying about something else or not paying attention? It's such a waste.

    We need to learn to take out the mental trash and just BE for a change.
  10. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    Thanks :hug:
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