not feeling too hot right now. guess it's nothing new for anybody here. i guess it's just that no one would ever want to be with me. i feel completely hopeless. even if it turned out that this guy i like did somehow like me (which isn't even a possibility), i sometimes feel like I’d just have to turn him away. he would become an enemy. or even worse, he would see that I’m just a complete waste of space. people can put up with this sort of thing – how I feel – for only so long before they snap. at first, my boyfriend would be caring and nurturing. he would take me to therapy and get me on meds and hug me all the time and be as sweet as possible. But when none of that worked, when I simply never got better, he would feel betrayed. he would grow to hate me, become tired of me. then he’d leave. and that would be it. i would be no sadder than I was before. well, that’s not true. but I just don’t know. i wanted to ask you guys something, see what you think. i didn't know who i could ask. see, that thing, having a boyfriend and all, or someone who cares, is like an objective or something. for me. so, i'm looking through that sort of context, that frame of mind, and i start thinking, what’s the point of trying to get to an objective if part of you knows you’ll never reach it? what if life is just purely Sisyphean? does that make it not worth living? i just don't know anymore. i'm not feeling suicidal right now. i just... have not felt anything positive for a long time. almost a year now. i could ask a preacher there questions, but that’d be dumb - i'm not religious. it’s not that I think all Christian people would give me an inherently Christian answer, it’s just… I don’t know. that context seems inappropriate to me, somehow. i could ask my friends, but they would laugh and call me emo or say, “that’s stupid.” they always do. i could ask Trey, but he would just say, “Hm,” and look at the wall because he’s asked himself the same question a million times already and still hasn’t come up with an answer. maybe everyone asks themselves these questions. through the pages of history, society stumbles on. why? what is it for? are we born just to die? if I died, would people care? or would they just say, “I feel bad for his family"? what am i fighting for? i know you guys don't know the meaning of life or anything, and it's probably overly simplistic to say that i'm only sad because of some kind of existential crisis thing going on. but... well, i don't know what i want. maybe some words of encouragement or something. some reason to go on. i don't want to die. i really don't. i'm only fifteen. how can i die? but then, if i'm only hurting people, and if i will never feel fulfilled, what's the point? i guess that's it. goddamn, good luck. i apologize for this.