I really do want out, but I don't want anyone in rl to know. I don't want to be stopped... I started obsessing over this snake for sale from a local dealer (I am into reptiles), and I wanted him so bad. Then the thought crossed my mind "it won't matter, he would likely get the snake back soon because you're not going to be here for long"... it wasn't that I already have a lot of animals, it wasn't that I have decided not to breed any time soon due to financial reasons (you rarely make money as a breeder, mostly you are lucky if you break even. you do it for the love of the species...) anyway, it wasn't any of those things that halted my intense impulse to buy him... it was that I don't want my wife to have more animals to re-home when I choose to go. While they bring me peace and a sense of calm, they are also utterly overwhelming at the moment. I've been resisting the impulses to attempt to take my life. I quell the urges by researching what would be a more effective, less messy way to go. I see my therapist tomorrow and part of me knows I should tell her about all this. I don't want to go inpatient though. My fear is that if I tell her all this, she will commit me. I don't benefit from meds, so it's really pointless. I also have no insurance, so I would wind up in the county facility. That place is scary, gross, and not at all helpful. I also know if I'm too much in crisis, she will refer me out (I don't want to switch T's again so soon. I just started with her about 6 weeks ago when my other T left - his internship was up). If I lose her as a therapist, I will be suck with the people at county... that makes me shudder. So I need to either do something, or shut the heck up. I'm tired. I'm having trouble seeing a positive or even livable future. I wish I were home alone for a period of time so I could just disappear. I hate this cycle. I hate the depression. It's no way to live. I really want to just <method> and be done with it. I don't want anyone to find me. It's all so difficult to get through.