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stupid little things

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by MdngtRain, Sep 13, 2013.

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  1. MdngtRain

    MdngtRain Well-Known Member

    I really do want out, but I don't want anyone in rl to know. I don't want to be stopped...
    I started obsessing over this snake for sale from a local dealer (I am into reptiles), and I wanted him so bad. Then the thought crossed my mind "it won't matter, he would likely get the snake back soon because you're not going to be here for long"... it wasn't that I already have a lot of animals, it wasn't that I have decided not to breed any time soon due to financial reasons (you rarely make money as a breeder, mostly you are lucky if you break even. you do it for the love of the species...) anyway, it wasn't any of those things that halted my intense impulse to buy him... it was that I don't want my wife to have more animals to re-home when I choose to go. While they bring me peace and a sense of calm, they are also utterly overwhelming at the moment. I've been resisting the impulses to attempt to take my life. I quell the urges by researching what would be a more effective, less messy way to go. I see my therapist tomorrow and part of me knows I should tell her about all this. I don't want to go inpatient though. My fear is that if I tell her all this, she will commit me. I don't benefit from meds, so it's really pointless. I also have no insurance, so I would wind up in the county facility. That place is scary, gross, and not at all helpful. I also know if I'm too much in crisis, she will refer me out (I don't want to switch T's again so soon. I just started with her about 6 weeks ago when my other T left - his internship was up). If I lose her as a therapist, I will be suck with the people at county... that makes me shudder. So I need to either do something, or shut the heck up. I'm tired. I'm having trouble seeing a positive or even livable future. I wish I were home alone for a period of time so I could just disappear. I hate this cycle. I hate the depression. It's no way to live. I really want to just <method> and be done with it. I don't want anyone to find me. It's all so difficult to get through.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hope you are able to hold onto your wives love then hun think of her ok I know depression is so tiring and you feel there is no hope or light it is there hun Hope just sometimes hides itself but it is there It is good to be honest with your therapist though or she will not be able to help you fully. I tell my therapist all the time i want out but he does not admit me hun he listens and guides me to a better place in my mind
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