Stupid OCD. (long post, sorry)

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by TheWr0ngChild, Nov 14, 2009.

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  1. TheWr0ngChild

    TheWr0ngChild Well-Known Member

    I'm not new here btw, my post count will tell you that.

    I did however post here the other day with regards to my most recent battle with OCD. I also have Asperger's Syndrome, which causes me even more obsessive behavours, so I guess I get two for the price of 1.

    My latest OCD has revolved around the computer, it started with me wanting to change the settings & files to get it to mess up, I don't know that much about computers, so I have no idea what I'm doing with the really technical stuff.

    This OCD basicaly wants me to keep doing this (which I refuse to do much to the detriment of my physical health), until the computer breaks and requires expensive repairs, which we can't afford.

    I have several theories about how it started, one is when the monitor broke and went to a black screen everytime you started the computer up, but would come on randomly, this caused me to panic big time. Another is when the computer had a virus last year and needed to be fixed at the shop, and the other is when it broke the first time and PC World treated us like subhuman scum. I came within inches of asking one of the little idiots to come outside & take off their coat...

    Lets just say it was an all round horrible experience, they failed to diagnose the fault the first time, which was both the graphics card and the hard drive, they only diagnosed the graphics card, and because I was stupid enough to pay for insurance through them, I had to wait for the engineer to come out from the insurance dept. Because PC World had missed the broken hard drive, I got the computer home, after seeing it working in the store, only for it to break down again within 10 minutes. This caused a huge argument between me & my partner, and lead to the massive conflict with PC World's incompetant staff. I had been in a 24/7 state of anxiety while it was in the shop, so to bring it home with my hopes built up only for it to break again probably lead to this.

    This was a couple of years ago, and I have since cancelled the insurance and had nothing further to do with PC World. I also feel they discriminated against me for my style of dress, and the fact my partner has long hair. That only added to the upset, even though that is unproven.

    I've never been fantastic with people, you have Asperger's Syndrome to thank for that, but I do my best to avoid conflict, but PC World pushed me over that threshold. If it had been any other volitile situation, like the bar or in the street, I could have walked away, but I have huge issues with people in sposed positions of trust. They were the experts, they should have done the job they're paid for.

    The worst part of it was when the store 'manager' came down and told me & my partner that if we came to the store to check on the progress of the repair (they refused to give us a contact number) they would condemn the PC for the maximum time of 6 weeks! On that thought, I basicaly begged my poor partner to buy me a spare computer, which he did, just to settle the awful situation at home, which resulted in me using drink, over the counter pills and salvia to escape the huge gap left in my life by having no computer.

    You know, since I've been writing this post, it makes even more sense that this is part of the OCD. As much as I try to be peaceful, I can be very vengeful, and as much as I told PC world what I thought of them, I never did get my last word. They were pretty brazen to accuse me of breaking it in front of my 6 foot tall guy lol, but they did. I was accused of doing something I did not, and had no way of proving it.
    Maybe this is at the seat of this OCD? Like someone who fears being sick because of a bad experience in their past, so they avoid certain foods or do certain things to try & stop themselves becoming ill.
    Maybe my mind has shut out the worst of the memory and converted it into the OCD as a way to deal with it.
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I do not think anything you do is stupid...yes, the actions of OCD are not always under your control and are quite horrific, but you are not your diagnosis...have you tried meds and counselling...they have been found to be quite of luck and know how valuable you are, imperfections and all, J
  3. bluegrey

    bluegrey Antiquities Friend

    Hi WrOngChild. My whole day is spent struggling with OCD symptoms, it is taking the little will to live I have left to live. Whether OCD is the result of faulty brain wiring or an imbalance/ faulty metabolism of neurotransmitters is still up for debate. It just sucks--ask Howard Hughes.

    Hang in there :eek:k:.
  4. TWF

    TWF Well-Known Member

    Wow thats servere, I got over mine, I'm sure you can too. I just stopped caring about life and everything. But as someone said, OCD might be physical, checking up and researching on it should make you more aware, good luck.
  5. elbee

    elbee New Member

    TWF thats exactly what I did, just decided not to care it got to the point where I thought I would rather the thing that I was scared of happens (why I had to do it) then have to prevent it constently with the OCD tendencies eventually you win. Keep challenging yourself become numb to it. Sorry if im not making sense Im finding it really hard to explain or convey how i feel at the momment but then again i always feel like that :/.

    I had OCD for about 2 years got to the point where my mum had to get a new car. stupid huh.
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