Stupid Stupid Dreams

Discussion in 'Midnight Owl' started by Twowires, Apr 3, 2007.

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  1. Twowires

    Twowires Active Member

    On Sunday my Grandad burst a blood vessel in his colon, he's just getting over lung cancer and he's in a very weak state so the blood didnt clot.. he ended up in an IC ward, but hes begun to stabilise again after some transfusions and emergency surgery - I still haven't seen him, hopefully I can visit tomorrow.

    I'm very close to my Grandad, I love him an unbelievable amount despite that we never speak or do anything, but I don't think my family realise how close I am to him - My sister especially acts like I don't and shouldn't care - shes acting incredibly hostile to me again, same with my mum.

    I'm the emotional punch bag for the women in the house it seems.

    I had these dreams last night.. before I knew if he would live or not, when I wasn't being told anything - like I wasn't important at all - So I was stressed out and anxious.

    But these dreams, I can't stop thinking about them, they're stupid. Stupid Stupid Stupid. And yet I've been depressed all day, I wouldn't have gotten out of bed today if a friend hadn't called me up to tell me he was coming over.

    If you don't know I'm gender dysphoria/manic depressive. :dry:

    The first dream, I'd undergone all this surgery and whatnot to change gender, I'd been gone for 5-6 months and I'm come back, nobody recognised me, but when I told them the majority accepted me, one friend especially, a bisexual friend of mine (male), treated me great, he didn't whisper behind my back or anything.

    Before I knew it, I was dating this friend, but it felt like he was just in it for the sex. My friends kind of hated the idea of the relationship and all decided to leave me, last thing I remember from the dream was my ex girlfriend glowering over me, shouting at me - about how much of a failure I was, an abomination, worthless, a waste of time - and my new boyfriend was nowhere around, he had to go do something important and I was all alone to face these people.

    Second dream was a lot weirder, I was in a large hall, with a circle of chairs, except I was in a bunk bed I used to own - naked. I didn't seem to notice the fact that I was female either.

    Well people went round in the circle, talking about how they got over cancer, and aids, and this and that. And I didn't know why I was there - until they got to me and I realised what had happened.

    I figured that I'd undergone everything, and I'd been strong - and I'd come out beautifully. So I begun to share my experience, people were nodding politely - except one man, who was with his wife (she'd got over cancer) who looked in deep thought. Eventually he begun pointing out the flaws and gaps in my story, how I never went back to college, how I never got a job, how I didn't see a specialist, or a surgeon, or take hormones - my entire story fell to pieces, but people just keep nodding politely.

    Then he moved onto my physical problems, and I realised that I wasn't beautiful or perfect - I still had an Adam's apple, my breasts were scarred, my hips small, my hands unproportioned - I was still an ugly anorexic, but now I looked like a failed drag queen, naked, wrapped up in a duvet.

    And into the waking world. Any comment appreciated, although there isn't much to say I guess - dreams seem clear enough :sad:
  2. issacweirdo

    issacweirdo Active Member

    1st of all, your not a girl so what is it up to you? 2nd, you shouldn't care about what others say about you; you are who you are and they have just got to accept that. I, too, have problems...just in the mood for discussing them. And, like mostly every one else, I don't have a disease or disorder, etc. I'm just who I am, and i'm proud of it.
  3. Twowires

    Twowires Active Member

    Eh? :blink:

    Well if that were as sound and easy as the theory, stuff like anorexia wouldn't pose as much trouble would it :laugh:

    Go for it! This thread is hijack friendly :smile:
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