My happy positive mood just went out the window. So, I've been up since 7:30 this morning even though I only got a couple hours of sleep and I've been cleaning and doing odd jobs around the house. For some stupid reason I though, "Hey, maybe mom will be in a good mood then." Well, when she walked in the door, the only thing she could think to say was, "Why are you in the house?" I was kind of speechless so I thought, maybe she'll at least say thanks. No, that was too much to ask for from someone who bitches about us being lazy and never doing anything even though I help with everything like the dishes and picking up everyone's shit. So then the next thing that comes out of her mouth is, "Where are the crackers?" and when she found out that they were all gone, she says, "You guys didn't even leave me any crackers. You know you guys are blah blah blah" and going on about how we are so thoughtful and kind kids :dry: and I just wanted to go fucking cut my head off. I almost went into my room and cut but then I thought why should I do that? It's not going to make things better. I'll still be pissed. So I swam it off, thinking I would feel better. But I just feel really empty now. I've been trying to help her so much and she sees it as nothing. God I try so hard just to make her happy even when that means that I lose out and I just want to be appreciated once in a while. I wish I was like a normal teenager and I just want to say to everyone that I'm sorry I'm not. I'm sorry I don't gab like all of you and that I'm not smart enough for you all. I've been thinking of suicide all afternoon and I just want to die in the most painful way possible. It will make everything feel so real even if it's the last thing I do ever feel. Sorry this is so long I just feel so. . . pititful, guilty, and way too emotional. My heart is even beating in my throat and I've got this heavy feeling climbing up my esophagus right now and I feel like I'm going to throw up but my stomach is completely empty.