Stupid, stupid, stupid

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by deadlyseneschal, Nov 2, 2006.

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  1. I got back several hours ago from a visit to the emergency room. I hadn't cut for almost a month and had almost forgotten how good it feels. Just got the urge today and decided to act on it, not intending to do any serious damage. I started off with a few small cuts on my legs and got carried away and put a big gash on my calf.

    It took a minute for me to realize that I'd cut myself really deep, that I'd gone through several layers. By that time I was bleeding everywhere in the bathroom and panicked. Fortunately I had the presence of mind to tie a towel around it and walk to the hospital (pretty close, about 20 minutes).

    I feel like an idiot for going overboard like that and now my roommate knows that I cut (not that he said anything, but he was back before I was and got a chance to clean up all the blood). What really kills me is that I don't know why I did it, nothing in particular was bothering me, I suppose I just wanted to see the blood again. Goddammit, it feels so good but I just can't control it anymore. Anyone else feel like that?
     
  2. resistance

    resistance Staff Alumni

    The longest i have gone without cutting is 7 weeks and i know where you're coming from. It's normal to feel like you've let yourself down after cutting when you haven't cut for a while but try not to let it stop you from trying again.. It was a good thing you realised you needed to go to hopsital and you acted on that thought, I hope that when you decide to try and stop self harm again, you can go longer than the month. There's a sticky at the top of this forum called 'alternatives to self harm in a crisis", maybe it will help you. A way to help your urge when it comes to seeing blood is maybe making up a red food dye. Take care of yourself.
     
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