Stupidly Believing

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by itmahanh, Feb 20, 2013.

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  1. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    years of hearing it gets better. it never does. never will. stop believing. stop being so stupid. listen to the thoughts and not my heart. and above all else...act on the urges...when Im dead its all better.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    NO NO NO your thoughts are not the truth hun do not act on those urges hun ok don't do that You know i care and others do i wish you could care for YOU hun glad you are back hun reaching out here hugs
     
  3. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    my thoughts are the truth. year after year of truths from everyone saying it'll get better i'll always be there, i will never hurt you. where are they today? but the thoughts, urges they never leave...NEVER no matter how hard i try to get rid of them they stay. the harder I try to keep people around me they hurt me and leave. and it's always okay according to them. they never have to give a reason or say sorry but me oh fcuk me if I dont do it. it NEVER EVER gets better people! how much longer am i supposed to stay alive stupidly believing people that have never had a pain in their live tell me it gets better. do i really look and sound that fcuking stupid to others. yes i do cuz they can keep me here for their own selfish needs. and i stay hoping that just maybe this time they are right......stupid!!!!!!!!! this time someone hears me and takes me seriously when i tell them something, this time someone does for me once, this time dont fcuk up and actually die. only then is it better
     
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am sorry people time and time again hurt you hun they are not people you want in your life then anyways You are depressed and depression hurts like hell i get that and i too want to leave hun i do but it can't be i jsut can't hurt others so i understand the sadness the deep sadness and i wish i could take some of it away from you hugs
     
  5. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    i'll hurt others? i'm supposed to worry that i'll hurt others? but fcuk it doesnt matter that others hurt me without a second thought. does not bother them 1 little bit, they're lives go on. mine i'm stuck beating myself up wondering what the hell i did wrong. missed? and that does what for me when i'm dead? not a thing. dead fixes it all, makes it all better....for ME! screw the rest of the world, for once why can't i do just for me without again being told to think about others first why not me first!!!!!! im in pain but hey worry about others and fcuk your pain. yeah that makes it all better!

    i just posted this to someone. do i feel like the worlds biggest bitch for saying that....damn rights i do. im not the same person that lived here for years. im a bitch that has been hurt and molded by the pain year after year. i dont want to be guilted by how much im gonna huirt others and to think of others first. i see i want i do. why is that sooooo wrong? why am i soooooo wrong? a dog is suffering from being in an accident we have that dog put down. if we don't everyone looks at us and tells us how wrong it is to keep that poor dog and make it suffer. im not even equal to a dog? can anyone talk to me sensibly? tell me why staying is good for me. not anyone else. no stupid or guilt plagued shit...legitimate reasons that make it better for me to stay alive. what is for ME!
     
  6. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    arent people i want in my life...i can count without any hands how many people i have in my life. and i mean physically like go for a coffee instead of sitting alone slicing up my arms. ummmmm none! not a fcukin one! you can't leave? why? you cant hurt others? who? you're dead you're dead what does it matter!!!!!!!
    i left here, didnt kill anyone....didnt leave anyone so screwed up. i attempted many times since ive been gone who would of really cared or would of it made any fcukin difference in their lives, even if they knew for certain i was gone!!!! no one!!!!! any one of you tell me right now that you understand how lonely i am how scarred i am from all the pain, hurt and abuse how much it is taking everything i have not to listen completely to the thoghts right now...they are screaming!!!!! tell me and i will call you a liar!!!!! tell me a truth...you cant.
     
  7. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    A dog would not be put down not if its life could be saved i know this for a fact You are not a bitch for saying what is in your mind hun Your heart it still holds love for your child and you know that so don't give me bs about not having someone who loves you YOU child will always love you always even when they don't show it.
    You only see darkness because that is what is shown to you darkness and pain hun but there had to be a time when that darkness was not there so you know you can feel happiness because you felt it that one time before when you held your child in your arms is one time. No one is trying to guilt you into anything hun I said i could not leave I COULD NOT LEAVE ME because i know the pain of loss by suicide i know that pain you have not felt it i have and i am sorry you feel it is the only way out for you. I wish i could take that pain away but noone can hun not unless you let it go first Sorry hun i do care about you and no matter what you say or do i will always care about you because you should be compassion when noone else would dam you for letting me see there is goodness in the world and you are that goodness hun you are whether you believe it or not
     
  8. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    my child has been taken away...they want to give him to a dad that hasnt tried to make any contact for 6 years and has claimed all along he isnt the dad. and they want to just hand my baby over to him now. my reason for all these years to hold on...is now gone. oh i love him to pieces and him me. he also has a foster home where he calls her mom and him dad and their daughter sis he has a new family to love but he is no longer mine...another thing that i battle for so long the "truth" that he would come home some day. one of the very people that pushed me onto this road now not only has robbed me of sanity but now my baby too. i have to let go....you're right. and the onbly way i can do that is suicide. let go and forgive, i tried but how do you forgive when that thing is always being shoved in your face everyday and i keep forgiving everyday and i keep seeing the evil everyday the very evil that i keep forgiving and it never ENDS let go how? when nmothing will let me....
     
  9. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am sorry your child has been taken away hun but you know hun he will always love YOU and he will grow and he will come back to you he will NO ONE can replace his mother for him hun He knows in his heart that you love him more then anyone could hun. You see evil everyday hun but you know there is goodness in the world you son is that goodness because you hun gave him a soul of kindness and compassion Please hun know that he will come back to you he will look for you and he will want you to hold him as you have done so many times hun and he will want to hug you. His father never gave him that love or attention you did The foster family is just that foster hun not a true family YOu are his family hun so don't take that away from him. Here hun i cannot even phantom the the pain and sadness you are feeling as i have not loss my child yet But i came close to it so i get that pain You hun don't need to forgive anyone but you do hun need to hold on so you can be a family with your son again hugs.
     
  10. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    a dog if SUFFERING from an accident...suffering when applied to animals means that they can not continue to live a life they are used to they are put down. i had a dog, mybest friend the vet charged me thgousands of dollars to "fix" him after a bad accident. that dog could noit live his life like he used to and suffered. i had him put down. animals are not allowed to suffer....i had a dog that had a littler of pups on the coldest day of the year once. the puppies were freezing 1 by 1. i took the rest and drowned them. they were suffering the mom was suffering loosin pup by pup they didnt have any chance. that's the farm an animal is hurt you cant afford a vet to come and prolong the anguish of that animal, with respect for their life and let them have diginty,,,they are put down! give you bs....when have i ever given you bs!!!!! i didn't say i have no one that loves me...i know exactly the people that love me and me them with all our hearts. but i need support not my child to scare with all the things going through my head, scare them seeing me slicing up my arms. i need someone an adult physically there. my kids are all grown and gone and my baby is gonre too.

    knbow how it feels right now? i got a little mad, for once tried not to bottle it up if pissed someone else off....walk away. CANT I BE MAD sad uppset scared lonely like others? run run away the crazy bitch is upset is FEELING like a normal person is allowed to....I am a human not unlike any other one of you here. I am alone upset scared and extremely suicidal not unlike so many others here. But I can't find the "right" words to express it. I can't "behave" like a normal suicidal person does around here. I am unlike any other person here yet we are all exactly alike. I came here year after year giving all i had to help others. im asking someone to help me find one thing to hold on for. but yeah...like any other time and any other person, go help yourself...we can't. but you see...I cant either....sorry for upseting the apple cart....bye
     
  11. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You did not upset me hun and yes you are alllowed to rant You are allowed to feel pain because you are in pain i see so many times animals that have lost legs or eyes or burnt and people who step in and safe them and they are loved and they survive because of that love.

    I am not running away you are not upseeting the apple cart Hun i do understand ok you are asking me to say it is ok for you to have final peace and i am saying i can't say that
    and what right do i have You are my freind no matter what you do or say you will always be my friend always You are a normal person and you are just like many of us here wanting peace in their souls wanting release You are not different hun I am sorry i cannot give you anything as i have not much to give anymore either hun All i can give you is my freindship as you have given me I am still here hun and will always be here No one is asking you to behave you keep ranting you keep releasing the pain here ok
     
  12. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am sorry for all you have endured and all you have lost hun just know i am here ok and even if you dont want that i will always be here to listen to care to try to understand
    If i could i would take all that pain away from you i would hun because somehow somehow i just know you would be somuch better for this world then me
    You hun have a gift but i know you dont' see it just know i see it hugs
     
  13. Broken4ever

    Broken4ever New Member

    Hi Hun,
    I'm new here and just read your posts - I get what you are saying!
     
  14. angelicgoddessofdeath

    angelicgoddessofdeath Active Member

    I dont know if you remember me or not. Im sorry I haven't been on all these years. Im sorry that you are in so much pain. Im sorry that I wasn't around to talk to you. Im not much of a friend, am I? If you even feel like talking to me. Ill be around this time. No promises though. Promises are only meant to be broken after all. Im on my phone so I cant quite figure out all of the sites functions but ill do my best to talk to you. That is if you want me to. I can understand if you don't want me around. I did abandon you after all maybe posting is a mistake. I dont know. Ill leave it up to you.
     
  15. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Still here hun hope you are still here too hugs
     
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