I realise that we all do it now and again. I really didnt intend to go back to this lifestyle. When I was younger I just stayed fucked up as much as I could so I wouldent have to deal with anything. Im getting back there. Sense things have happened I have just started turning to one thing after another. The first night I got drunk. THe second I smoked some weed. Last night I did bolth and aquired a lot of Xynax. I hadent felt that good in some time. I didnt think I would be able to feel that good. I just bought some E and will probably adding that to the mix. I figure it will make me think I am happy and afterwards I will go emotionaly numb for a bit. I dont know where this will end and I have no desire at all to stop. Its just so much better. I feel so much better. Everyone I know whent through a bad heroin phase. I never took it because I was enlisted and all that but they would tell me what it did for them. Im looking for an opertunity there but Im not sure about following through. I know I want the rest but this one I feel I should not just jump into when I have no desire to stay sober. I know that substances are not the answer but really whats the diffrence? If I go to another therapist they will just give me pills to help me deal. How is getting fuked up off their substances any better than my new concept of self medication? Because they took a bunch of bullshit classes? I just dont see any reason that option is better.