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Successful yet suicidal

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Monkey, Sep 16, 2014.

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  1. Monkey

    Monkey New Member

    Hello to everyone,
    English is not my first language, so I ask you to excuse me if I commit any mistake.
    I'm 21 years old. Even though I'm not old, I've accomplished many things. For example, I've earned a scholarship to study in the most prestigious university of my country. I study Law and philosophy and I'm in the top 10% of my university. I speak 4 languages proficiently and I'm also able to speak other 4. I'm part of the faculty newspaper and I'm assistant teacher in the ancient languages department. I'm already working in law related matters. I'm tall and athletic, also I've been told, by males and females alike, that I'm handsome. Currently I'm going out with a girl that studies literature. My household is really stable, without many fights. My parents live together and I have 2 sisters. Event tough we're not rich, we are part of the 5% of the population of my country with the highest income.
    However I feel utterly miserable. I can't enjoy anything. It's been like this since I've been 10 years old. Back then my parents had to take me to the psychologist because I suffered depression and suicidal thoughts. At ten years old! It turns out things never improved really, but I pressed on and did a lot of things.
    But as days go on, I feel I want to take my life, everything feels so plastic and unreal. Since 15 years old, I've practiced self harming as a way to keep the suicidal thoughts away, but it's not working anymore...
    Lately I won the chance to be part of an exchange program in Netherlands. I think I will suicide then.
    I just wanted to ask you what do you think, I promised I would give me 5 years to think if suicide was the right choice. Nevertheless, in just 2 years I've achieved so much and I still feel so miserable.
    Yes... I think I will end this in Netherlands.
    So I want to hear you what do you think?
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    What do you want to hear that it is ok to suicide you won't hear that here. Many of us are successful and still have those thougths of leaving Are you on medication for your depression if not talk to a doctor and get something if meds are not for you there are other options Depression is treatable but you have to want to do something ok therapy and meds together is the best treatment You are successful you are intelligent so reach out and get the support that is there to help you
  3. Danialla

    Danialla Well-Known Member

    I second what total eclipse said...time to go back to a dr and get some help with your depression. Medication and therapy are both helpful but get help. It is out there and it sounds like you can access it without to much trouble. Take care
  4. Monkey

    Monkey New Member

    Thank you for your kind response. I truly don't know what I want to hear. I've been medicated and I've been under psychological surveillance for quite sometime. But therapy didn't work for me. Nor did medication.
    It was me who asked for help back then, they didn't realized that I was falling apart one piece a day. I thought it would help. Perhaps happiness was possible through therapy...
    But it wasn't. What are you supposed to do, when there is no reason to be unhappy? That's what really makes me miserable. Why can't I be happy, if I'm able to do anything I want? What is therapy supposed to fix, if it seems like there's nothing broken?! I've even befriended with my therapist!
    So why I'm always unhappy? Why do I feel the desire to destroy myself? Why does it feel so good to hurt myself?
    I truly don't know what I want to hear...
    Thanks again for your response,
    Yours Monkey
  5. snogo

    snogo Well-Known Member

    Hi I think you are asking the right questions. What's important next is to ask whether you are truly ready to find the ways that help you arrive at the right answers to those questions.

    If being able to do anything you want doesn't make you happy, will not being able to do anything make you happy?
  6. denise_c

    denise_c Active Member

    I think it's time to go back to the psychologist. Find one on your own. Not every therapy is the same. The good therapist for you is difficult to find, but probably exists. If your previous one became a friend that's nice but maybe not very professionnal.

    Find the part of you that doesn't want to die. Maybe he's next to the one who accomplished so much.

    Achieving one's own potential can be a road to happiness, but as your example shows, it is not so simple that by doing so, you will be happy. But be reassured! For there are 99% chances that even as desperate that you find yourself, you are more happy now than you d be if you weren't successfull.

    But young you are. And your dissatisfaction lets so much room for improvement. Especially if you start searching for your own ways of making yourself happy.

    Have you ever taken IQ test? Maybe there is something to understand in the zebra direction.

    Good luck.
  7. Monkey

    Monkey New Member

    Hello to everyone,
    I've been with at least 4 psychologists so far. Each one of them said different things. I've been diagnosed with dysthymia, depression, Asperger's syndrome, some sort of autism even bipolar disorder. My family has a history with depression but I don't feel I have any of those pathologies. I think I'm sick but I can't seem to find the sickness, that is really frustrating.
    I've always feel ashamed of being more intelligent than the majority, I don't know why. So I've tried to hide from everyone else my grades and I've tried to look like an average guy.
    One thing that really worries me is that I think I've been able to achieve so much so far, because of my sickness. I don't want to be sick (as Cicero said "no one wants pain for pain itself"), but what if I get better and I'm unable to keep doing so good?
    That really stresses me out. I just want to be happy, even if just a little. Why can't I feel satisfied? Is there any point in going forward, if you know you're physically unable to feel happiness? Once, one of the psychologist told me that perhaps some part of my brain was damaged and that was the reason why I was anhedonic and unable to feel joy or sadness. I don't want to suicide because I'm sad or depressed, I want to suicide because I've been lead to think that I'm physically unable of being happy.
    Anyway, I'm really thankful for your honest responses, I never thought someone would really care,
  8. snogo

    snogo Well-Known Member

    Who or what lead you to think that you are physically unable of being happy? Is being happy something physical, mental or emotional? When did you last felt satisfied or happy? What is happiness or satisfaction to you? Why would suicide be the only course of action if one is physically unable of being happy? I mean it sounds like if physically unable of being happy is something you cannot change through medical intervention, then suicide would simply just be like trying to switch off your mind through a physical death. What if you can switch off your mind without a physical death? I'm asking because I too wish to know the answers. Since you are clearly an intelligent person, maybe you can share your personal answers with us.
  9. Monkey

    Monkey New Member

    In advance, thanks for the interest.
    Regarding to your question is known that brain injuries or inappropriate brain development may lead to behavioral changes. This happens because all our emotions and thoughts have a material basis and are located so where in the brain. Therefore if your brain is damaged you're unable to feel because the material basis of the feeling it's not working. For example, if your hard disc input is broken you'll be unable to use the software in it. So happiness is an emotional, psychological and physical phenomenon.
    When I was a kid, perhaps 3 years old, I sustained a serious head injury that broke my skull. Probably that's the reason why I was diagnosed with depression and suicidal tendencies from such a young age (10 years old).
    I'm not sure I can remember what satisfaction feels like, neither do I know how sadness feels like. The only thing that awakens me is physical pain and just for some time. I think I could describe it, as Baudelaire does in one of his poem, as an unending tedium.
    If the final goal of life is happiness (as everyone has said since the Greek philosophers), what is the point of living if the ultimate goal is physically impossible? I mean I think people can be happy if they try hard enough. But what about me? You can't ask someone without a tongue to speak. You can't ask a bald man to comb his hair. So if I've already realized that my brain prevents that I'm happy, why bother living? No matter what I do everything will remain as tedious as it has always been. No matter how successful, rich or intelligent I become, everything will remain in the same state.That means I've failed life's ultimate goal just from the start!
    If I cease to be, if I suicide, the contradiction that is my life will solve itself in the vacuum. I'll be one with the nothingness and I won't have to worry and feel depressed because anything makes me happy.
    I hope this have enlightened the point I want to make, and the reason why I want to finish everything.
    Thanks for your cordial attention,
  10. Volsam

    Volsam New Member

    Hi there! :)
    I feel similar to you, Monkey..
    I read somewhere that if neuron doesn't make connections to other neurons, it dies. Makes me think that "happiness" lies where you are absolutely honest with yourself
  11. Volsam

    Volsam New Member

    Be patient. We are too much in a rush and don't even see that. Language is flat too. There are direct ways of communication, I believe the right people will come in the right time. So pay attention.
  12. scaryforest

    scaryforest Banned Member

    the assisted suicide program they got going is much more complex than just going in and saying "kill me" btw
    instead of dying, you could go experience stuff you've not experience, live, learn and grow
  13. FMyLife

    FMyLife Chat Buddy

    As previous stated by someone else, there are many successful people on this forum that are experiencing the same thing you are. I have accomplished much in my life but due to the disorder I'm afflicted with I have a lot of troublesome thoughts and hurdles that I must jump to keep going. You just need to find your groove. Find something you are passionate about and run with it. I know it seems like after many years of achieving and still feeling miserable that there is no hope. Well there is. You just have to find it. Suicide won't bring you peace.
  14. snogo

    snogo Well-Known Member

    Okay, this is what I've understood so far about your answers and I have the following questions.

    So happiness is an emotional, psychological and physical phenomenon. And at the same time you are saying that you don't know or remember what is satisfaction and sadness. Then do you know what is happiness? Can you describe what would be regarded as happiness to you? If happiness is an emotional, psychological and physical phenomenon, why are you approaching the ultimate goal from only the physical phenomenon point of view?

    Someone without a tongue can still speak by learning sign languages. A bald man need not comb his hair but still needs to wash his scalp properly.
  15. fosty

    fosty Well-Known Member

    Hi Monkey

    Do you love yourself? If so wouldn't you want to avoid causing yourself harm?
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