Alright, so, I've posted a couple times now. I do understand that I'm clearly in a slump...depressed, tired, given up of life. I understand this. What I'm having difficultly comprehending is how much clearer do I have to be about this black pit of hell I'm in for someone to actually help me out of it?! I did plan an attempt a while back, only to be interrupted by an older brother. Something else I failed at miserably...couldn't even do that right! Anyway, when that happened, I didn't come right out and tell him that night but I did tell my therapist the next day. She pushed all the panic buttons and all hell kind of broke loose. She wouldn't let me leave her office alone, she ensured that someone went into my house to get all medication - that was the plan - I had piles of old medication from a previous back injury/surgery, she made sure that I was placed on 'suicide watch' I guess - had to move into my parents place for a few weeks. And...that was that, a minor bump in the road and everything went back to normal for everyone. Everyone but me. About 2 days into this apparent 'suicide watch', it must have been too much for my parents because they left town, off to some concert or theater show somewhere. Woke up that morning to a pot of coffee and a note on the table that they were leaving town and to text them if I needed to talk. I did notice that all medicine cabinets in the house were surprisingly sterile....at least they took it somewhat seriously. That same morning I got into my own vehicle and went on a road trip, no destination in sight and I left without a cellphone or computer to keep in touch with anyone. I ended up stopping at the Washington Monument in DC 4 days later. No one even knew I was gone, that was until I missed my appointment with my therapist the following week. She was on the verge of freaking out when I finally touched base with her...I was trying to get back to my appointment but there was no way that I could in time so I called from a city about 12 hours away and she was literally freaking out. So, everything went back to normal for everyone, because everyone just ignored it or never even talked about it. Since then, I've sold or given away everything, I moved into a crappy little dump apartment, I haven't spoken to anyone except for a few friends and some family in months - two close friends (who I have to reach out to and whose advice is that its either all in my head and there's nothing wrong or that I just need to get over it and move on) and parents who would rather just ignore the fact that their failure of a child is depressed and heaven forbid tried to do himself in last summer and a brother who only calls or texts when he wants money to support his addictions and I have a few older brothers, who are just too caught up in their own lives and realities to give a shit about me. I saw another old friend in a mall, which actually brought a smile to my face, that was until she completely ignored me and walked past me like I was a ghost. I'm not sure what happened there...we were quite close friends and colleagues, but I guess that just happens. Anyway, I have tried to bring up the fact that I'm feeling pretty shitty and I'm struggling in a pretty dark and dreary place. It seems though that either no one gives a shit or cares or even hears what I'm saying. Or I have to grab them by the face and scream it to them. When I start to bring up how I am actually feeling, it's almost like I start speaking in a foreign language because no one understands. The newest hotshot therapist in town, I started seeing her after my last one moved on to bigger and better things. She was a waste of time, I blatantly told her I was suicidal and had a plan, she looked like a deer caught in headlights and then offered to get me information and a phone number to call, that never happened, she was too busy scheduling my next appointment I guess...an appointment which I missed and haven't been back there since. I am off work and have disability coverage through an insurance company. To jump through their hoops, I met with their hotshot just the other day. I filled out her little 4 page 400 question assessment and was as honest as I could be, especially when it came to the questions about suicide and depression. After she reviewed it, she says she has concerns because my assessment questionnaire shows that I've got some ideas about suicide and her response, I shit you not, I'll have to ask your insurance company about getting a few more sessions with you!!! At least I know where her priorities are...unbelievable! I always hear people suggesting going into your nearest emergency room if you're in need of help. Well, I'm not sure if these people have ever been near their nearest ER!!! I think the quickest way to get help there would be to drive through in the intake desk with my car! I don't know how it is for others out there, but is it this difficult for you too? Or am I just really such a failure?!