Such a failure that I can't even cry for help correctly!

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by wbbmlost, Mar 4, 2014.

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  1. wbbmlost

    wbbmlost Member

    Alright, so, I've posted a couple times now. I do understand that I'm clearly in a slump...depressed, tired, given up of life. I understand this. What I'm having difficultly comprehending is how much clearer do I have to be about this black pit of hell I'm in for someone to actually help me out of it?!

    I did plan an attempt a while back, only to be interrupted by an older brother. Something else I failed at miserably...couldn't even do that right! Anyway, when that happened, I didn't come right out and tell him that night but I did tell my therapist the next day. She pushed all the panic buttons and all hell kind of broke loose. She wouldn't let me leave her office alone, she ensured that someone went into my house to get all medication - that was the plan - I had piles of old medication from a previous back injury/surgery, she made sure that I was placed on 'suicide watch' I guess - had to move into my parents place for a few weeks. And...that was that, a minor bump in the road and everything went back to normal for everyone. Everyone but me. About 2 days into this apparent 'suicide watch', it must have been too much for my parents because they left town, off to some concert or theater show somewhere. Woke up that morning to a pot of coffee and a note on the table that they were leaving town and to text them if I needed to talk. I did notice that all medicine cabinets in the house were surprisingly least they took it somewhat seriously. That same morning I got into my own vehicle and went on a road trip, no destination in sight and I left without a cellphone or computer to keep in touch with anyone. I ended up stopping at the Washington Monument in DC 4 days later.

    No one even knew I was gone, that was until I missed my appointment with my therapist the following week. She was on the verge of freaking out when I finally touched base with her...I was trying to get back to my appointment but there was no way that I could in time so I called from a city about 12 hours away and she was literally freaking out.

    So, everything went back to normal for everyone, because everyone just ignored it or never even talked about it. Since then, I've sold or given away everything, I moved into a crappy little dump apartment, I haven't spoken to anyone except for a few friends and some family in months - two close friends (who I have to reach out to and whose advice is that its either all in my head and there's nothing wrong or that I just need to get over it and move on) and parents who would rather just ignore the fact that their failure of a child is depressed and heaven forbid tried to do himself in last summer and a brother who only calls or texts when he wants money to support his addictions and I have a few older brothers, who are just too caught up in their own lives and realities to give a shit about me. I saw another old friend in a mall, which actually brought a smile to my face, that was until she completely ignored me and walked past me like I was a ghost. I'm not sure what happened there...we were quite close friends and colleagues, but I guess that just happens.

    Anyway, I have tried to bring up the fact that I'm feeling pretty shitty and I'm struggling in a pretty dark and dreary place. It seems though that either no one gives a shit or cares or even hears what I'm saying. Or I have to grab them by the face and scream it to them. When I start to bring up how I am actually feeling, it's almost like I start speaking in a foreign language because no one understands.

    The newest hotshot therapist in town, I started seeing her after my last one moved on to bigger and better things. She was a waste of time, I blatantly told her I was suicidal and had a plan, she looked like a deer caught in headlights and then offered to get me information and a phone number to call, that never happened, she was too busy scheduling my next appointment I appointment which I missed and haven't been back there since.

    I am off work and have disability coverage through an insurance company. To jump through their hoops, I met with their hotshot just the other day. I filled out her little 4 page 400 question assessment and was as honest as I could be, especially when it came to the questions about suicide and depression. After she reviewed it, she says she has concerns because my assessment questionnaire shows that I've got some ideas about suicide and her response, I shit you not, I'll have to ask your insurance company about getting a few more sessions with you!!! At least I know where her priorities are...unbelievable!

    I always hear people suggesting going into your nearest emergency room if you're in need of help. Well, I'm not sure if these people have ever been near their nearest ER!!! I think the quickest way to get help there would be to drive through in the intake desk with my car!

    I don't know how it is for others out there, but is it this difficult for you too? Or am I just really such a failure?!
  2. Chadaho

    Chadaho Member

    I called 911, the crisis line, went to the er, and everything else I could think of. I tried many ways many times to succeed with suicide. Couldn't get any real help. I was working on getting my own insurance to get my own help. Seems like there is no help out there. I could say keep trying but I fear that would make me a hypocrite. Just the other night I was trying again to find a way to suicide. I have been forced into moving back with my folks too. That has made it harder because they have been good at removing tools of self destruction. Just wanted to let you know you're not alone.
  3. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I realize I don't have the answers, but I want you to know I'm listening, that you're being heard and taken seriously. Here if you ever feel like talking or just need someone to listen.
  4. wbbmlost

    wbbmlost Member

    Thanks Chadaho and WildCherry, It means a lot to me that there are people here. People who understand....and like you've said WildCherry, there may not be answers, but it's just good to know what there are people here who hear and understand.
  5. wbbmlost Wow finally someone else who understands the truth. No one @%#& cares about crisis situations. Even my therapist doesn't give a F$#@ especially when such help was seriously needed. All ERs and insurance companies care about is the bottom line so we can expect no help there. One thing I never understood is if the insurance companies would just make it easier for people to end life when they see fit they could save so much money. And we on this forum caught in desperate situations wouldn't have to worry about all those failed attempts. I wish I had some way to be useful to you but I'm on borrowed time, forced to go on for now.
  6. Cat of Spades

    Cat of Spades Well-Known Member

    I've never understood the hyper-reliance on therapists. I strongly recommend that you work on yourself and not rely on others to fix your own problems for you but that is just my opinion.... You are suffering from dangerously low self-esteem, this is something that you will have to address directly, what is the source of this problem and what can you do to fix it? well, I don't know you so I can't tell you what the problem is, but what you can do to fix it is fairly easy; stop being so negative, learn to love yourself and your potential.

    Negativity and depression are a vicious cycle which will consume your life, it is very easy to enter that feedback loop where you are depressed and then you consider yourself a failure which leads to you failing. It is a self-fulfilling prophecy. When you break it you will see a marked improvement in your life, stay positive.
  7. wbbmlost

    wbbmlost Member

    WOW!! Thanks Cat of why didn't I think of that. Be positive...there....I'm cured!
  8. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    You need to take personal responsibility for your care. It is not anybody other than a medical professional where you are inpatient to be 100% responsible for your care and safety - it is your own. It is not the fault of a therapist you are 12 hours away and cannot make an appt, and it is not the responsibility of your parents to cancel trips and plans because you do not want to be alone - if it was not safe for you to be alone then you owe it to yourself to go to a hospital for safety the fact you went on a roadtrip instead would imply that you were still functioning well enough not to need babysitters.

    You act upset about the company paying your disability saying she would make sure you had resources to get further treatment? What did you want her to say? She could equally have said you do not need further treatment- instead she did the right thing and agreed you needed further treatment and that she would contact insurance to make sure you had the resources to do that. What priority is wrong in this?

    If you are in crisis and danger of imminent harm to yourself or others you need to take responsibility to get to a safe place or to call an ambulance to get you to safe place. There is a lot of confusion about a crisis but anything short of imminent harm is not a crisis - it is a really really bad day or low period and not an emergency to anybody but you - sorry if that seems harsh - but that is the way every hospital, doctor, and therapist is going to look at it - and if it is that severe then no, it is not fair to place that burden of care on others. Try asking yourself what you would have these people actually do? Show support or interest is nice and makes a feel better , but that is not a "do" - I am sorry if you do not get the support and level of caring you should have from family, but it is not actually changing anything about what happens with you if they do not -that is still on you to take the steps needed to get care and missing appointments or coming up with reasons to be angry at people is not serving your interests either.
  9. wbbmlost

    wbbmlost Member

  10. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi, are you ok? When your are in a crisis it's hard to cope with and to focus on everyday things. All I can from my own experience is to take one day at time. People don't understand when people are in crisis but it's others like on this forum to understand your situation. Please take care.
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